Losing Your Way

Playlist..

2008-12-26T14:19:00.001-05:00

Dubai...

2008-12-26T00:28:00.003-05:00

okay, okay...
I know
I haven't written in here for a LONG time...

by the way,
I started this blog this year
and yet it's soooooooo long
last year seems like sooo long ago
i miss u guys so much
my head is turmoil...

sorry that was a jumbal...
however u spell it...
okay, i have a reason for everything(lie...)
but I do have a reason for this...
several.. actually
1-
this will be my last entry of the year
I wont be able to write anything in the next 5 days
because i'm going to go to Dubai...

2-
my head is in turmoil and I miss u guys soo much
I know I already started that...
but its soo true...

the minute I started typing this,
I started crying...
just a little..
I don't know what to do anymore...
but I guess I dont have the right to say that
now do I

u know, screw that...
who says, I dont have that right?
i dont know
i dont know anything
nothing
Im not even sure the sun is going to come up again tomorrow
I dont know

I mean that's probably whats going to happen
but I cant be sure
just because its been rising for millions of years
makes no difference for why it will rise tomorrow

I am reallllly scared...
I dont know what to do anymore

okay
I got to stop ranting...
I'll go slow
deep breaths

just promise u wont hate me?
or get annoyed

that's one of my fears
a fear that I'm being too clingy onto u guys with this blog
that I tell u more than u need to know
but then again
where else is all this supposed to go?
and if I cant tell friends, then who can I tell?

I really, really, really miss you guys...
everyday, all I want to do is give you all a great big hug

i stopped talking after Egypt...
i know u know this..
I wrote something about this
but it wasn't very clear
(by the way, if you haven't figured this out already, this is going to be one long entry...and it's going to spill it all... well almost... I know I always say spill it all, but most of it.. the stuff thats making my head into turmoil..)

In Egypt, I fell in love
not with a guy
actually with the country
the people
and most of all
you guys
friendship

so when I came back
I missed u guys sooooooooooooo much
and I still do
I wonder if u noticed that I've actually been saying I love you in the emails...
and I mean as friends..
remeber my trust issues?
and high school
god...
stupid egypt..
and challenge day
I didn't tell u guys any of this...
I mean, not on here...

but I mean this works...
right??
or is it just me
see
one of my fears is
I think I'm getting progress
and closer to you guys
but its really just an illusion for me
you know
like holding onto something that's already gone
thats kinda how I felt after egypt...
like I was still holding on to you guys
with this blog
but u were already gone
and not only that...

I was telling u ever thing...
if u really wanted to
u could break me to piece...
hey olivia
I dont know if u still read this or not
probably not
but I forgot if I ever told u that
you broke my heart
u were my closest friend
and when we stopped being friends
it hurt
and I'm sorry
for everything I've done..
I really am

I'm soooo sorry
this year was soo crazy
I really miss u guys
I mean after egypt
high school started
and I hated it
and then that stupid challenge day
in October I think
no
november
and she died..
did I tell u my grandaunt died...
she was like a mom to my mom
like her role model
she had a phd
and she was healthy
she got hit by a car
and she is the one we were going to go see in Dubai
stay in her house
have fun....
now we are going to see her grave
get some closure...

she died...
and then that stupid challenge day came
where u had to tell everything
let it out...
they all know
and I did it wrong...
i dont even know why it was bad
I just got closer

but then again, I forgot to tell them about my trust issues
which i still have
especially with a lot of people dying in my family
I am not living in constant fear that someone even closer to me than my grandaunt, is going to die..
I couldn't deal with that...
I'd be devasted

I haven't told u guys everything yet
and worse...
u haven't told me anything
and no one knows anything
and now, I'm living in this constant regret
that they will never know...
and if I dont do anything
that regret will stay permenant
people dont stay forever
time doesn't last all day
u cant tell someone u love them someday
if they really matter to u
u should tell them every chance u get
and Im trying...
giving more hugs and kisses than nessaccary...
but and telling them I love them sooo much
but I still feel soo far apart...
how do these gaps even start?

I have a question
b/c someone close to u
needs u more than u need them
does that mean u shouldn't open up to them
till their ready?

but what if they never get ready?
then what?

I dont know
but I couldn't bear that answer...
which is what I'm so afraid of
b/c that answer can be soo easily reached...

why do we put ourselves into these situations?
where there are those gaps anyways?
why?
becuase we are scared? maybe?

I'm more scared of what would become of if I don't overcome that fear...

I feel like I'm million miles apart from everyone...
and aren't I supposed to be one of those lucky ones?
what do u think that says for everyone else,
who aren't the lucky ones...

I am sooooooo scared...
I dont want to loose anyone
and I tell myself
that the sun will rise tomorrow
just like it has been every day
for like a gazillion years
and for that same reason
I will have more days with the people I love...
I miss you guys sooo much...
I'm still crying...

...
...
...
did I tell u guys that my parents are getting a divorce...
U have no clue what will happen to my dad
my mom probably expects me to live with her
she probably thinks she needs me more than he does
but truth is
I think he needs me more
no one else is this close to him
if I don't stay with him
who else will give him those hugs and kisses everyday
but the same goes for my mom

but my bro will probably go with her...
maybe he will give her the hugs and kisses she needs...

it would devaste my mom if I picked my dad though..
it always does...
and it devastes my dad everytime I pick my mom
but he is soo quiet about it...

i can just imagine how he must feel
his family is half a world away
and he has a wife who is divorcing him
a son who really doesn't believe in him
and no job anymore..

he was forced to move here
although he would probably do better here than he do other places since this place has arabic people... who at least understand him
he always looks like a wounded puppy
a puppy that was once strong
but now wounded and lonely
so how admit he needs someone
i give him the biggest hugs..

my heart hurts... my head is going insane...
did I tell u I went on the roof again..
this time with a witness
and it was raining
and I was in heels but it was soo quiet and beautiful
I dont know why I dont stay longer up there
its probably because I'm scared...
not of heights...

I dont know
someone finding out...
why do i say, I dont know when I do know?>
its because I've been trained that way
the same way, I've been trained to say good when someone asks me how I'm doing...

going on the roof has to deal with my trust issues
thats why challenge day was so 'bad'...
people found out...
got closer to me
all the better to hurt me...
but then again, why do I assume the worst?
maybe they will become my friend...
and me theirs...

that would be nice...
I stopped crying just to let u know...
Can I ask whoever reads this two more questions?

1-Am I doing this wrong? This whole I'm giving u my trust over the internet thing..? any person could read this onces they find out I made up raphire...
actually, I'm still not sure I made her up...
I think shes my nobody... or maybe im her's...

my friend...
I dont know if she's reading this,
but she wrote a quote...
a poem more like it
that I cant get out of my head
its the new question

a quote from the poem is this...
"tears are happiness escaping frrom your body...
I swear...
thats deap...
okay
I'm gong to sleep now

I feel a lot beter..

Ohh...
and I have one more thing to say...
MS.. thanks for being my friend and reading my last message
I've really been meaning to call you
but I havent got a chance
and I really wanted to call u the day I went insane(like begining of december)
and I really wanted to call when after I read your comment
but couldn't
so I wrote here
hoping you would read this..
knowing u would read this...
I really wanted to say thanks... for staying my friend..

LOVE,
ayat

bye bye 2008
u were crazy, no INSANE..

SOS

2008-11-26T01:47:00.001-05:00

sos...
I need a friend..
someone please help
just the fact that your still reading this after no post for about 4 months proves you care...
but i just need a friend....
please!!

this is my SOS...
p.l.e.a.s.e.
...

love,
ayat

Life is an Oxymoron

2008-09-28T18:23:00.002-04:00

hi,

okay,
I know I haven't written in a while but I've been busy... Okay, that might just be an excuse. I mean, it's never stopped me before, right? But anyways... I don't know... Ever since egypt, I guess you guys should have noticed, but I haven't quite been the same. It's just things are different. I don't know how... Well, I do...

I mean, I'm kinda more determined to be raphire...
Okay... wait...

Let me rephrase.
I know I'm not raphire. Okay, but I still want to be like raphire...She is my idea of the perfect person, even though she isn't perfect. She's my perfect. And although I know perfect is over-rated, but she's not perfect.

Makes sence? I mean she has her flaws, which are my flaws and I like... But she also has some great qualities...Which I lack. And that's what I want to get. So when I say I want to be raphire, I mean I want to get those qualities that makes her awesome...

So before egypt... I was really good at that...
and then after it, I wanted it more, but stopped my training which would have let me become raphire which makes no sence, but I just did...

But now, after school and everything else, I'm even more determined and I'm going to up my training another level and make sure it gets done...

So I guess... it's just... I'm changing... And I know you guys are changing, too...

but after egypt, I just really missed you guys... I mean, the whole reason the trip happened was becuase my mom wanted to see her best freinds who she hadn't seen in 25 years...

so then I came back I really wanted to see you guys
and of course,.. I couldn't.
and then school started and I don't know... I just feel really lonely... I really miss you guys. And I know that even if I go back, you guys wont be the same the same way I'm not the same...

anyways, we are all freinds forever, just know that. No matter how much we grow, we will still be us.

okay, now enough of that crap...

as for details or acomplishments lately,
I'll just make one of my famous list.

1-I got cetified to use a power saw in Hp, aka- Huron Players which is really cool. I also use a power drill, and have been taught how to do light and sound. Pretty cool. The people there are awesome, even though some have tried to kill themselves several times, but it's kinda cool. I don't mean it's cool to kill yourself... I mean the people are..

2- I went to my first high school party and it was okay. It was for Hp, too except cooler. There was dancing but I didn't really dance.

3- homecoming is next saturday and I might wear a dress( got a cool one) but I really don't feel like wearing THAT dress or dressing up at all for homecoming. I just want to go in jeans... but everyone is telling me apparently you need to dress up so I might not go at all, but I really dont know...
but that's the least of my problems...

4-eid is wednesday.... the last day of ramadan is tommorrow... or maybe today by the time I finish writing this.. I fasted this year for a week and then on the 7th or 8th day, I almost fainted when it came time to break my fast, so I had to break it a little early so I wouldn't faint. So after that, I was kinda banned from fasting but still, I'm not eating that much since then. I don't know why. I kinda feel like I'm rotting on the inside... not just my soul, but my cells too. Like not only is my blood becoming tainted every day I do something wrong, but like my cells are screaming out in help to give them some actuall food. Like, for water, and my muscles are screaming for protien, and my brain is screaming for rest and I just feel like I am slowly killing myself which sucks and all I want to do is just collaspe and sleep and then have the bigest meal which all the water and soup I can drink with veggies and lots and lots of nuts for protien but instead I stay up till like midnight doing no homework, and eating only a bowl of cereal and when morning comes too tired, with no energy to move but I do anyways... I am positive this isn't good yet I'm not doing anything becuase of some stupid law that says if I don't do my homework, I'll get an F and that will ruin my future becuase I didn't have the time to do my homework without losing sleep which would eventually kill me in the future so either way my future is kinda doomed?

anyways, now I think that's it...
I'll start training for raphire, and sleeping when I'm tired even without doing my homework becuase I never seem to do it anyways and I always get by one way or another. I'll start eating what I want( which isn't junk) and always having a bottled water with me(maybe with a bit of lemon.. I can never drink water plain... )

oh! did I mention that I signed up for this student ambassador program where I can go explore another country for 3 weeks? I'm going to take a tour of Europe if I get in(aka-England, Ireland, The netherlands, belguim, and France) How awesome is that?! or if I change my mind, I might pick austrailia, where I can sleep under the stars near the big rock. Reminds me of brown country, doesn't it MS? and I would get to go scuba diving in the barrier reef and see the famous theater and do all sorts of stuff, but most likely I'll go to the Europe thing. But wouldn't it be awesome if I got in? It's called people to people and it's the student ambassador thing. it cost money but you can have ways of raising it such as this site...

http://www.fundingyoureducation.org/

If you go on one of these programs, you won't regret it and it will help you get into college because did you know that even if you get a perfect SAT score, Harvard still might not accept you. But even if you did not get a perfect SAT score and go on this program, Harvard might accept you. How's that sound? And it doesn't have to be Harvard.

anyways, check it out... this is the link for the website, and SERIOUSLY!!! consider this... it will be soooooooo awesome if you do and I will help you raise cash if you need it and the website I showed you doesn't only talk about door to door. there are other methods that work too.

and that's it...
Happy Eid,
sorta...

Love,
Ayat

Ps- Call me sometime, I enjoy our calls...

....

2008-09-09T23:01:00.001-04:00

I'm scared...

High School..

2008-09-04T21:52:00.002-04:00

a;o naegjvul;qwa

I'm crying...

let me start with that...
high school has started...

and nothing has gone right since...

you know those things

that kill you on the inside?
that's how I feel every day I go back to that school...

I feel like I'm dying on the inside...

I CANT TAKE THIS!

Have I ever mentioned that I need help...

I feel like running away again..

I just REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEallly need someone to talk to but I cant find anyone....

how helpful is that?
so I just decided to write...I need someway to vent...

it's not that its bad, or that my classes aren't fun or that I'm getting bullied or anything...

no nothing like that...

in fact everything has been going well... after the second day, I didn't need my schedule anymore for my locker combo or my lunch number or my classes and I have already made freinds and gotten nice teachers and no serious homework so far...

the only downside is that it's crowded...

it just feels soo... same, regular...

thats the thing... I am not a people person...

frankly, a lot of people in a room freak me out...

I like desolate... empty hallways... where I can hear my thoughts my footsteps in the halls... I can't have that anymore... or it's more like I don't have it anymore...

I need to find another place...

I just feel dead...

the first day of school was just rules and it was okay...

second day, I screwed up big... so I felt so guilty the whole day and the third and it has been non-stop dark clouds and rain ever since my screw-up... not a great pick me up...maybe I'll sneak out tonight... I haven't done that in forever...didn't think I needed to anymore...

maybe I'll just go lie in the rain and see what it tells me...

thanks for listening if your reading this...

let's hope for newer days...

Love,

ayat

Deafing Silence

2008-08-30T01:10:00.002-04:00

...

If you have ever read the book Just Listen by Sarah Dessen, you will know what I'm talking about when I say silence can be deafening.

I don't know how, but once again, I'm lost...
it was Egypt!!

I was lost before but I was finally getting the hang of things, like drawing a map, then I go to Egypt and suddenly my map is wrong... not literally... I doubt there's a smith street in Egypt.. I mean figuratively...

And it's deafening.. I don't know why, but I can't meditate anymore.. I can't take being alone with my brain... and I don't how but maybe my brain any says what I want to hear when the rest of the world is alive... but when it's dead... and silent... it's just me...

and me... I have the tendency to believe anything... to be easily influenced which confuses me because I have a lot for theories and I like them all only some are complete opposites so which do I use? PICKING OUT a theory is confusing for me too!! Like do I go with my instinct or think it through? and which do I use to pick that one?

and lately... I've been feeling like I should be a Buddhist monk, or in my case... nun... don't ASK!!! And I just feel like crying...

I don't know why...

I have nothing to complain about...
but for come reason, I'm not content... not happy...

well.. I am happy but not content... like somethings missing...

and I know if sounds selfish coming from a person as spoiled as me that I am not pleased with what I have...

but the thing is... as this may please almost anyone... it doesn't quite please me...

and that's why I feel like the monk thing...

because those guys could have had everything or nothing but once they go join the temple, they are all monks and that's all they have...the go to simplicity...

so the ones who have everything... like me... they give it up... just for simplicity...

does that make sense? and that's how I been feeling... giving all these up for simplicity...

and monks... they dedicate their lives to knowledge... to peace...and to learn as much as possible... and if it wasn't for the whole no dating thing... I might totally go for it no joke... but a price comes with simplicity

but even though being a monk seems like perfect for me...

I am not sure that would be the type of simplicity I want...

well it is the type... I just don't think it's the place..

like, I want the dedicate the life to knowledge, and simplicity, and peace...

but not with Buddhist monks... nothing against them...
but it doesn't feel like the way I'm supposed to go... something in that direction though... close but no cigar...

and no this doesn't mean I'm running off to china...

but after Egypt...

this haven't been the same...

when I would have normally written a 50 page post here... I didn't... in fact... I didn't write anything really... you still don't know if I really went to see the pyramids or sphinx and stuff... and just so you know... I did... but those weren't that great... in fact... the whole trip wasn't that great...

I don't know how to explain it...
the trip went bad... it was hot... the food was good but I couldn't eat it... and the whole trip, everything that could go wrong... did... and the people were not that nice and we spent too much money and etc.. and despite how it was dirty and polluted and crowded and the whole place was poor... I still happened to like it... love it actually... and if you ask me exactly what I loved or what happened to make me fall in love with this country... I'll say I don't know... because I really don't ... but just thinking of it is making my eyes water.... i miss that place soo bad... but while I was there... and was missing home... it wasn't the home in ann arbor that I was missing... it was in columbus and my freinds there.. aka you... and the whole time I was there, I was wishing you guys were there with me... and at night, when I dreamt of home... I dreamt of going back to school with you guys...

and it also made me realize that no matter how far apart... you guys will always be my friends...

and just as I left a part of me in Egypt without knowing it... I left a part of me with you guys in Columbus....

and when I came back... my whole world which I had here... didn't seem to matter any more...

like the computer and blogging...

and I still don't know how to explain it...

and this is all soo confusing... and me being easily distracted and without a brain, gets lost in stuff that confusing which is why I am always lost... because I'm always soo confused...

but hey...
you know when I write here... or just talk to you... things start to click and the silence doesn't seem soo deafening anymore...

and just know...

I realized why I liked Egypt...

The whole we were there... me, my brother, and my mom...We were happy....
when we were in egypt, we weren't missing that contentness I am here... I never wanted to be a buddha when I was in Egypt(that sounded weird...)

my mom, she was more happy than I've seen her in years...
she had her family... me and my bro...
and her best friends who lived in Egypt...
who she hadn't seen since high school but still loved her and were still there for her after 25 years...

and the only thing missing from that happiness was my friends... you guys...

So even though Egypt sucked... it makes you happy, at least made me happy... you could see it on our faces,... on all our faces... we were all happy...

and the thing is, most people aren't happy in everyday life like here in ann arbor becuase well, I don't know why, but we aren't...

I think we should all live in a place where we are happy so that you can always be happy and no one will be sad or mad or wanting to kill anyone and lived will be saved....

speaking of which... watch this vid and spread the word....

so besides that...

I miss you guys... I miss Egypt... and I the only reason, I ended up writing here in the first place was because I thought it was tooo late to call you (midnight...)

I'm pretty sure you would have been grumpy, and your parents wouldn't have liked...

so I'm probably going to end up writing in here less... and call you guys more...

speaking of which...
tell me when your birthdays are again so I wont accidently call you on it to not wish you a happy birthday...

( I ended up accidently calling allie on her b-day just to talk and it turned out i was congratulating her on her b-day...that's why she thought I called... because of her b-day... No... I was just bored... and wanted to talk to her....irony eh... how often does that happen... and I swear I had no clue...)

The comment box is...

well...<<<<<<------

that direction...
(sad I know... but deal with it... it's part of my package...
which I don't know what my package is or even if I have one... )

it !:44 am

I'll go to sleep now... and maybe call you guys later...

Loving and missing you,

Ayat!!

Ps- another thing Egypt changed in me... i don't really care about Raphire anymore... She's still awesome but will never be me... I'll just always be ayat, but that doesn't mean I can't be awesome...

Too Many

2008-08-26T00:52:00.002-04:00

Okay...This topic is called too many because there are too many possible topics for it, so I just picked too many.

So, one, I would like to say, do you like my new background... I finally like... sorta...

Besides that,
I am tired (its 6 minutes till 1 am...)

so I'll try and make this sweet and short(not used to those now are you?)

1-Egypt changed me. I fell in love with that country and came back here and it changed me.

which ways...

well,
1-I am going to stop wishing for my adventure... Wishing goes to neediness and desperation, and if I really want my dream then I am going to have to stop wishing and start working.

so.. that leads to #2... which is it inspired me to be work even harder towards my goal which I have been lacking...
and then I come back here and the chaos summer has caused is now ceasing and in a couple of days my normal will return...

and as boring as that sounds, it isn't....
I can tell you that because after I came back I had a normal adventure where once again, I got myself into a life-threatening mess and then think my way to safety... basically, I use my stupidity to get myself into a pretty dangerous but for me, fun mess, where I then use what brains I have left to come out unharmed, and MS already knows about this because I called her during my distress before my so called brains kicked in screaming, "I'm going to die, I'm going to die..." okay, maybe not screaming... in case your wondering what the mess is, I got my self locked onto the second story roof-top where my only way down was to jump 20 feet no exaggeration... okay, it's was a little more complicated than that because it involved two ledges one, 7 feet down from the roof and the other a nice 5 foot jump away from the first ledge and about another 4 feet lower... I was stuck on the ledge 7 feet down from the roof, and decided to climb back onto the roof(took several tries) and then scale the windows, onto another roof with about an 9 foot drop onto some stairs... and did I mention I had to turn a corner when scaling the windows?... yea... fun but scary... and I only got away with a scratch on my elbow from the a door inside the school...irony ehh...you guys should come with me next time... maybe we could builded a human ladder down... and I was sooo close to calling the cops or screaming for help... I'm glad I didn't because then I would have gotten into some serious trouble... so let's not tell anyone about this.... okay?

anyways... still tired... I'll tell you more about Egypt later... All the photos are on facebook but I'll work on putting them on a flicker site and putting the link here...

Love,

Ayat

Ps-I start school in a week... september 2nd... next tuesday...
so this is my last week of summer vacation... speaking of which... I still have e-mail friends from school gave to keep in touch with them over the summer which I haven't put into my computer yet... think it's too late?

No name

2008-08-20T14:07:00.004-04:00

...

You know there was once this guy named no name? Okay, maybe he wasn't real, but the point is no name was always misunderstood and just wanted a friend. But the other thing about no name was since he had no name he really wasn't anything, and yet by being nothing he could be everything. Everything but a friend, everything that inanimate. The only thing he could have was stuff that was real. Things that had a heart and soul, so even though he had everything he got lonely. So he tried to make friends but he didn't know how. He then found out that people liked money so he conjured up all the money in the world and look, lots of people came to him. But they weren't his friends, they were just people, who knew nothing about him, not even his name. Now he thought he had it till this one girl came along. There was something different about her. And like any other person, he went up to her and gave her money. That was his method of making friends and it usually worked, but this girl was different. So just looked at the money strangely, then shook her head and ran off. And the no name got confused? Someone was not going to be his friend? But he had money! So he got angry, and he took it out those 'supposed' friends of his. They tired to ask what's wrong but all he declared was he wanted that girl. Now the girl, she had a friend, who had been hurt, hurt actually trying to do a favor for her. And he was near death and she need a way to help him, fast. So when the supposed 'friends' found her, she wouldn't leave. So they took her away and took them to the no name. The no name again tried to make friends money and other stuff but she just refused saying she had to go help her friend. The no name got angry at her tried to hit her so she ran away, she ran and no name ran after her. But no name was as in good shape as she because of him being so spoiled. The girl, still needing to save her friend, found out before she was taken to no name that she had to go see this old doctor to get this medicine who was another city away. So when she was running away. The person who told her to go about this doctor, also gave her two tickets for the train so she was set, but when getting on the train, she looked back and saw the no name still after her so sad and then she asked him if he wanted to come along and her second ticket to the ticket master. Now this story has a happy ending, and actually it isn't my story at all. Actually this is all from the movie spirited away. I don't know if you have ever seen that movie, but the girls name is sin, I think, and no name was actually no name. And I don't know why I told you that story but I just got on here to tell you all that's been on my mind, all about Egypt and everything and the thing is I can't. I don't know why, I don't know if I'm making sense, but I knew I would have type this sooner or later but I kinda felt that once I start typing this it will mean Egypt is actually over and I kinda don't want to believe. And it would also mean that I would have to type this for you to know all about it instead of just seeing you in person when we get back. So I prolonged if that makes any sense, and if it doesn't, I'll straighten it out later, but the thing is I said, okay, I got a million things I want to type so I'll just type and I did and that story is the thing I ended up typing. Which is strange because that wasn't one of the millions of things I had in my head that I wanted to type yet there it is and the thing is I actually finally get the story. Before, I didn't get it. I don't know if you seen it, but if you look at one of the trailers for spirited away, one of them says, "everybody has a no name in their life" and I knew it was true, I just didn't really know what it meant because I couldn't really get what a no name was in the story. A person who wanted a friend? But then I just started typing and suddenly I got it. The story is about greed, and friendship, and what is actually true. How friendship can't be bought yet is most of the time, and the people who buy it are just lonely. And Opara(sp?) has this quote that goes, "You can find lots of people to ride in the limo with you, but what you really want is a person who will ride the bus with you when limo breaks down."

And there's another thing, loneliness PAUSE

Okay before I start just typing what I'm thinking, let me explain a bit. Just give you a little insight and it will be clearer when everything is said but Egypt changed me, A LOT. I fell in love with that country. I'll explain more later but the thing is I rethought things, a lot and I don't know. I'm just going to type all those re-thought things here and it will probably take a long time and I don't expect you to read all this I just need to write this and I think I've said that before but I just don't. So basically, I'm just going to type what I'm thinking and actually I won't even know what I'm typing till I read what my comes up on the screen. So I'm reading this just like you, only earlier and all of it.

UN-PAUSE

Loneliness. Okay here's a secret about loneliness that I learned from my favorite book and that is one of the reasons why it's my favorite. Here's the exact quote,
"The truth is that most of us spend a great deal of our lives physically and emotionally isolated, feeling utterly alone." Basically, Everyone is going to feel lonely for a big chunk of their lives. And many people have different ways dealing with it. Like one, finding friends. Another, finding love. Closer to family, or just being alone. And basically, it's two sides.

With someone, or without someone.

alone, or together
People have their reason for either.
Which is part of this battle I'm been having inside myself( I don't know if I told you about it?) and in truth I think we all have this battle with slight variations and different outcomes, depending on your situation, or your choices.

Like being alone so you can't be hurt,
but being together so you won't bottle everything up.

But some also don't know where they stand between the two. They think they have someone, like no name, but it's truly not true. They still have it all bottled up.
Or the people who have someone but are so afraid of getting hurt that they don't realize it.

and Here's the really tricky thing, about friendship, and love, and loneliness and of course, trust. When it's just inanimate, it's easier because it just your decision(sort of). But with those things, it's another heart, another soul, another mind, and it's their decision too, a two way connection.

I hope I'm making sense.

But here's another thing.
Depending on who you are, you situation can change.
Like those who trust so easily are easier to get hurt but generally have more friends, so are they happier.
Or the people who don't trust, are on their own, no one can hurt them but they don't tend to be that happy, do they.
And of course, their are those in the middle where most of us but I can bet most of us have this same battle.

Finding who you can trust, and if you can trust them, they can be your friend.
Trust is a bond, but it can be broken and that's how people get hurt. It's a stage.
First trust, then friends, and if stays, love...
but some people screw up on the first stage, with broken trust, or just having it be false, or having it be broken. And that's why it's sooo important.

That's why to me, the trust fall is so important. If I can't do the trust fall with you, then I don't really trust you. But here's the thing. I also don't trust me. I've told you that before but it's true. If I was met me as another person, I wouldn't trust me. And it sucks not trusting yourself. And that's why I'm trying, really trying to change, to someone I would love to trust, love to be. And that for me, is through martial arts. I know you might just look at it as a bunch of kicks but martial arts is sooo mental, probably the most mental sport they have out their. And it's like with me and the meditation and wanting my mind to be blank. Others might not get it and thinks it crazy, but think of it this way. In Eldest, the sequel to Eragon, the main character whoses name I forgot, during his training, had to go sit in the middle of the forest and try and connect with it. Meditation, right? And remember how he thought it was crazy, and couldn't do it. but after a while he got it and remember how he said he could feel everything and nothing? It just like no name. He was so nothing, so he was everything, because if your not anything, you can be anything. But no name didn't really have a soul, sort of. I do, so when I am nothing, I am everything, with everything with a soul and nothing with everything without one. Kinda like my brain. I know a lot about nothing, and nothing about everything. And I want to change that. I want to know more about everything. Kinda like those master's. Ever wonder how they are so smart. Well several things, experience which I want to gain. And that's all... Experience. They were once naive like me now. Which I want to get out of. The best don't juts become the best. They also have experience. And the true best will always be the best even after their times done. They are not just all talk. That's what I want to be. Like the old days. Things were so much easier and simpler then. If you wanted to get anywhere it was hard work. Or at least some work. Or money. Now I don't know what it is anymore, but I don't see as many hard workers these days. or the discipline and that's the thing about martial arts. It's old. It's the old ways, the old cultures. It's a totally different way of life.

PAUSE

I'm hungry, it's lunch time... I'll be back in an hour.

Signs of Adventure

2008-08-06T02:38:00.000-04:00

Shaque Mackoo?!

Okay, for those of you who actually read this, my greeting up there is arabic so It's going to be my Arabord...

So I'll start with that and get it out of the way...

Arabord-Shaque Mackoo
Definition-(it's slang... not really a really word... basicully it means Wat's up)

pron-Sha(um...it's just sha... the best way I can desribe it is pronounce it the same way Miley Cyrus does in her new vid, 7 things... you know at the begining when she says, "sha" and at the end she does too.... well just like that...) que-um...like a pigeon qoo, you know, the sound a pigeon makes... Mak-like the mac from mac and chessse) que-same pigeon qoo again.,,

together-Sha-qooo Mac-qoo

and if someone calls and say that, it's me.... or my bro prank calling you...but most likely me...

anyways... first a reply to Karina... Thanks for the trophy comment...and I know my grandma doesn't really think of me as 2nd place but whenever they are around, I end feeling that way anyways... becuase one, she usually treats them better than they ever did us(note the heaven bed) and two, they keep saying they are...

and karina... I would take a big pleasure in telling them what you said, but gladly I am not going to see them till another week becuase of that fatefull trip to Egypt... talk about jackpot...and anyways... my mom already gave us permission to use jujitsu on them... we haven't done it yet but they do insult it so if we show them a little of what we got...(and it hurts!! and I've learned nothing yet...)

but you know.. I think if it wasn't for their constant insults, they aren't that bad... I mean, they are actually making me a better person... god that was hard to type and if anyone asks that I ever said that... I'll deny it...

but they always keep up with the news and things and they always seem to know whats going on( a little to the point of obsession) but they know where all theese countries I've never heard of are so they've kinda inspired me to memorize the world map... it will be hard for my brain becuase I usualy forget but before they came, I also had a resolution to memorize the streets in ann arbor... I mean, I know how to get from one place to another but I don't know the street names... which is bad.. I want to memorize the city map, and maybe the railroad routes out of it for future use...

but besides them making me want to be smarter...and wanting to master karate faster just so I can kick their butts harder and faster... well.. that's all they are good for... oh, that and the fact they seem to know a lot about our family tree and everything so they always ask a lot of questions to our grandparents which I sometimes do but I don't know a lot... I should record them...so they also did that...

but I swear... that's it... the sad thing is they don't realize how horrible they are...

anyways...only today and the day after we come from egypt, I will see them, then poof! no more for how long till we decide to go see them...I hope next time, they will have learned to be less insultive... I was hoping that would be this time, but I guess not... I was hoping they would have grown-up of their racism and everything but apparently not...

maybe next time but if they've gone this far and not grown-up... don't know if it's even possible for them to grow-up... or maybe if i do something great(aka... adventure) they will realize I'm not a kid and not those little insultive comments they give me...

by the way.. I signed up for this program called people to people... it's basicully a exchange student program, sort of... you can go to other countries as a student abassodor... I signed up for a free meeting that will tell me if I can go to Ireland, belguim, england, etc... that are...and I don't think you need that much money...maybe none at all... but I defiantly think you need to have good grades...

anyways, it would be really fun if you could go...and of course... it would be fun if I could go... my mom has a freind whose son is my bro's age and went to egypt like two years ago...

speaking of egypt... that is what I really wanted to talk about...

well, that and my adventure...(sorry you have to suffer through another convo about that...)
but its good news...
If you haven't noticed... my tittle is called signs of an adventure

and I told you that I didn't know if I deserved it or was going to get it becuase I saw no signs and all the signs I had, said I didn't...

well, there have been signs... and I keep finding them..
like for example.. I had an e-mail telling me that my wait wasn't going to be wrong...
second, I don't know why, but I somehow seemed happier, and on task and everything and I actually feel like I am working for my goal...like, I was on track, had a tiny detour and haven't found it till know, but now, instead of going slow on this track, I'm on a roll...
and then...this trip to Egypt... something deep in my heart is telling me something is going to happen on this trip... something big... not sure if it's my adventure... I think its something that's going to prepare me for it...but whatever it is... I'm ready...

as for Egypt now...
well, I'm not taking my phone, music, or computer... so I doubt I will have internet so I doubt I will be able to post...
but I am taking my camera so loads of pictures, and am taking my journal so I'll write everday maybe even more in that and later I might type it up here... I am also taking a small jar sort of and an going to fill it with egyptian sand and bring it back...

as for egypt, no money becuase apparently there are a lot of theives and con-artists there... also, it's like 140 degrees there and did you know the electricity plugs there are different too... also in england and etc... i think canada might even have different plugs...

sorrry../

g2g...

time for egypt...

It's going to be great...

LOve,

Ayat!!

Jumbled Mess....

2008-08-04T02:32:00.002-04:00

okay...

I haven't written a post for a reason and there's a good reason...
several actually...

numero uno-no time
2-everything is being screwed up and I need to fix
three-My room still needs to be organized...
for-My british cousins are here...
and
lastly-I'm traveling in a couple of days....to eygpt....

okay...

so here's the deal...

one the brits are here...

and as I predicted, they are annoying as ever....

I took a vid but I haven't uploaded it yet so your going to have to bear with me... I need to fix my computer before I got egypt which means tommorrow or the day after which I am busy on both... which means.... no sleep?

anyways... once I get all this funk on my computer fixed, I'll upload the vid...

as for how's it going with the cousins?

well let's put it this way,...

I promised myself I wouldn't cry this time they visited and I only lasted 4 days...

That's a record...

So... to sum it up...

they cuss in front of my baby cousin( who returned from otowa but going there was bad in the first place cuz, one-now she has separation anxiety from her dad and cries a lot, and two- they messed up her sleep and spoiled her...)

okay... back to the british cuz...
one-they are always shot-gunning things...
they are always insulting us with the same insults like calling us paki's or saying that haydar is too sarcastic and that we are arognant when really it is them who are arogant becuase they think they can do everything better than us...and somestimes they cant... I beat them at monopoly and in order to "save their honor" they said it was late and said..."let's just go to bed and call it a tie..." when I obviously won...

and...they keep calling me and haydar the stupid little kids... yep... stupid all the time... they have no respect for us and expect us to respect them, which of course... we don't... so then they calll us agorgant and stubborn and selfish and spoiled....

and then... whenever I try to fight back, defend my honor, they either interupt or they say "ahh! Vegiterian! Your mind is messed up from lack of protien" or "shut up" or "shut up you stupid little kid" or "I'm not listening to you becuase you are just a stupid little kid and do you know why you are a stupid little kid? Becuase you don't listen... that's right... so why don't you just go back to your lemondade stand you little girl..."

and I can go on but basicully since they have been here, it's been non-stop verbal abuse... I mean, today they called my bro a retard in front of my grandparents becuase walks a little crooked becuase of the way his feet are...

they critize us 24/7...

and sometimes it's funny...

but today... it just hurt... and after they left for bed... my grandparents were still there and I started crying and I couldn't stoped and I had been trying to cover them up with my laughs but it wasn't working... they are that mean... the perfect bullies... wait,... let me rephrase that...

it could be worse... becuase you see,... they are scrawny with no muscles so if they had muscles they could beat us up which they probably would do, no joke.... so it's not totally bad... but their mental abuse makes up for it...

I was little choking on my tears to try and keep they back...

I'm still crying now and they left 2 hours ago...

that's how mean they are...

and my grandparents just think it's a joke... everyone but my mom thinks its a joke and that's becuase she knows how evil they are... and we haven't done anything to them... we've been trying to be nice... we don't fight back... and they still make fun of us...

at least I'm going to eygpt so I won't have to be with them for the last week they are here... only two more days...

it's a plus that's it eygpt though... I would have gone and lived in a cave with a man-eating bear instead of staying that last week with them here...

no kidding...

their are that mean...

dawn, you heard them talking on the phone, sort of... right?

well, what you heard was them when they were nice...

dawn can back me up when I say they are horrible...

I just want them gone and I don't want to see any of that family any more becuase they probably hate me becuase I cried...

Do you know why I cried?

okay, it might be stupid and I'll tell you what my grandma said to my mom about it afterword...

okay....

first, let me tell you about the bed...
my grandma has the most comfortable bed in the world becuase she spent 6,000 dollars on a matteress becuase she says that you live a third of your life in bed, so it's should be comfy...and you only spend an eighth of your life in your car so you bed should be worth more than your car... sorta...so it's really comfy and it's hers and only hers and whenever we came visit in all of our like 8 years of visiting... I have only slept on that bed 5 times...

and in the past 8 years... we have visited at least 3 times a year and then some....

those are the years from texas... in columbus... we came like 100 times a year... no joke... at least like once a month...

and in all those times, 5 times that bed... and do you know that those 5 times weren't supposed to happen...

they were only becuase
1-we had my uncle "accidently fall asleep here becuase he was tired which means we were once bed short which means someone had to share(me... and my grandma)
2-my family was talking and we feel asleep on the bed becuase it was soo comfy
3-my baby cousin was spending the nigth and she gets the comfy and I was the person who had to sleep near her when she sleeps( a person always has to be with her when she sleeps so she doesn't fall of the bed... aka... me)

and other times like those...get the pictures...

and all those times were within the last 6 months when we lived in the same house as her.... not during out visits...

not once during any of our visits did your grandma give up here bed for us, her grandchildren, even if we just stayed one day... never...

She always said, I need it for my back and I can't sleep without it...
and since she was our grandma and we wanted the best for her we never asked for it...

now my annoying british cousins who don't deserve it come, and just becuase they come from england, she gave them HER bed for a whole MONTH!! I have lived with her six months and have only gotten it like 5 times... and they come when no one invited them and get a whole month? and she has a guest bedroom...it's not like she didn't have any bedrooms...

but her argument was... I couldn't let them sleep in that tiny bed...(the guest is a full... hers is a queen) when when me and my bro slept over like when she just moved in, both of us had to sleep in that bed and she claims that she doesn't remember that...

does that sound fair to you? It kinda make them feel more special than you, huh?

well if that was the only thing, I wouldn't mind... I mean, they did come 3 thousand miles...when we fly from texas, it's only half that distance...

but, my uncle did the same thing... he gave them his master bedroom...

now I've NEVER slept in that master bedroom... as a matter of fact... while they were sleeping in the master bedroom... I was sleeping on the coach... a two seat couch...

now how's that fair?
doesn't kinda not make you feel special?

but not only that...

they've seen more of michigan than we have...

last time they came they went to this place without us and didn't tell us and I wanted to go... no problem becuase it's only an hour away and I live in the town so they can take me any day... right?

well wrong... it's 2 years... and I've been asking to go to that place and they still haven't taken me... and no one seems to care...

now all that... really doesn't make me feel special...

and when I told was telling and arguging my point with my cousin about this(I couldn't take it anymore... not fighting back to themm...everyone that I was just kidding but I was serious) and the cousins left for my grandmas bed which they rubbed in our face when they left and then I started crying instead of laughing which I had been doing during their insults to stop from crying... I also had a pillow, so now one could see me when I did cry...and then my grandma realized I was serious and apparently now I made her feel guilty which means she won't sleep tonight..which made my other grandma, mad at my mom becuase she said,"look what you've got your kids to think and influenced them and now my sister isn't going to get any sleep... shame on you..."

and I mean come on... after all that mental abuse...?
and all that not feelling special...I mean, I know I get to see my grandma everyday,

but think of it this way... I'm like grandma from everybody loves raymond... ever see that show? well... no one likes the mom becuase she's there every day and no one misses her when she's gone becuase she was there too much...

that's how I am...
that does not make you feel special...

let me put it this way...

let's say you got a bunch of second place trophies like 10 and then lets say you finally got a first place...

which trophy do you think you would like better and would feel more special...

the 10 trophies all second and third place which you got from over the years to get you to the first place trophy, or the first place trophy?

it's the first place trophy of course.... becuase those are rarer, and you don't get them very often, so when you do, you take care of them... that's the theroy...
well, while your taking care of the first place trophy, what happens to the other trophies? their still there... their still important... just not as important...becuase there's a lot, and they are easier to get...

right?

well... I'm the second place trophy and I don't like feeling like a second place trophy and you can occasionaly dust me all you want... I'm never going to be as special as the first place trophy

get my point?

so now do you see why I felt bad... I didn't want my grandma to feel bad...I mean, it's not her fault I'm a first place trophy...
I just don't like it and it make me feel non-special... even if you only use pledge on me and not the others.... still never as special...
and to make it worse...the first place trophy is a jerk and bullies you becuase it knows it's first place and your second and make sure you never forget...

so anyways... enough crying... I don't think any thing is going to change beside me feeling guilty for making my grandma have no sleep over something she didn't do... all she did was pay more attention to the first place trophy than the second place... nothing big...not her fault...

I'll try not to cry tommorrow...

hopefully, writting this, let me stay up so late and get such a bad nights sleep that I sleep till 4 pm tommorrow....

good night...

Love you,

Ayat

that crazy family doesn't know about raphire...

Arabord-
purtocali-something is oragnge...(orange it's self is purtocal)

pron-Purr(like the cat)-Toe(like the body part)- cal(like calling on the telephone)-e(like the letter e)

together-purr-toe-call-e

you would use this if you were saying..."that car is orange..." basicully... it means "is orange"

just orange is...-purtocal
pron-purrr-toe-call
the same as above just with the the letter e sound at the send...

okay...
that's all...

I'll probably write more tommorrow.. when I fix my computer...If I get the chance to do that...waking up at 4 and all...
3:28am...

goodnight...

Cool Facts

2008-07-30T01:17:00.003-04:00

just some cool stuff I found from my e-mail..

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos.

(If you've seen this before... just check #22... I like that one.... and it's new...)
******

COOL MEANINGS

Cigarette:

A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

***********
Love affairs:

Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five-day test.

***********
Marriage:

It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

***********
Divorce:

Future tense of marriage

***********
Lecture:

An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.

***********
Conference:

The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

***********
Compromise:

The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

***********
Tears:

The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine waterpower.. .

***********
Dictionary:

A place where divorce comes before marriage.

***********
Conference Room:

A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

***********
Ecstasy:

A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

***********
Classic:

A book which people praise, but do not read.

***********
Smile:

A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

***********
Office:

A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

***********
Yawn:

The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

***********
Etc:

A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

***********
Committee:

Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

***********
Experience:

The name men give to their mistakes.

***********
Atom Bomb:

An invention to end all inventions.

***********
Philosopher:

A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

***********
Diplomat:

A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

***********
Opportunist:

A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

***********
Optimist:

A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway See I am not injured yet.

***********
Pessimist:

A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY

***********
Miser:

A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

***********
Father:

A banker provided by nature.

***********
Criminal:

A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

***********
Boss:

Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

***********
Politician:

One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

***********
Doctor:

A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

///////////////////////

Bang ur head on the wall if u dont know the answer.

Recently a company had participated in IIM's Placement Sessions.

They asked some interesting questions to students during recruitment.

Here are some of them:-

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1. There is one word in the English language that is always pronounced incorrectly. What is it?

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2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?

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3. A boat has a ladder that has six rungs, each rung is one foot apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water.

The tide rises at 12 inches every 15minutes. High tide peaks in one hour. When the tide is at it's highest, how many rungs are under water?

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4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear?

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5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?

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6. There is a room. The shutters are blowing in. There is broken glass on the floor. There is water on the floor. You find Sloppy dead on the floor. Who is Sloppy? How did Sloppy die?

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7. How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide that has been dug with a square edged shovel?

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8. If I were in Hawaii and dropped a bowling ball in a bucket of water which is 45 degrees F, and dropped another ball of the same weight, mass, and size in a bucket at 30 degrees F, both of them at the same time, which ball would hit the bottom of the bucket first?

Same question, but the location is in Canada ?

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9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.

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10. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field?

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11. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?

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Scroll down for answers..... .......

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1. The word "incorrectly. "

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2. 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.

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3. None, the boat rises with the tide. Googly ;-)

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4. White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the North pole, and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear.

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5. Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if you follow the mathematical orders of operation, division is performed before addition.

So... half of two is one. Then add two, and the answer is three.

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6. Sloppy is a (gold)fish. The wind blew the shutters in, which knocked his goldfish-bowl off the table, and it broke, killing him.

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7. None. No matter how big a hole is, it's still a hole: the absence of dirt.

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8. Both questions, same answer: the ball in the bucket of 45 degree F water hits the bottom of the bucket last. Did you think that the water in the 30 degree F bucket is frozen? Think again.

The question said nothing about that bucket having anything in it. Therefore, there is no water (or ice) to slow the ball down...

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9. The time and month/date/year American style calendar are 12:34, 5/6/78.

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10. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.

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11. The temperature.

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thats it for now... kinda tired... but heres the site if you want more..

http://funlok.com/index.php/fun/bang-ur-head.html
love ayat

And smiles to go before I weep, smiles to go before I weep

2008-07-29T00:42:00.001-04:00

Good Lives

2008-07-25T12:51:00.001-04:00

Okay, this is a song in my favorites playlist,the one with two hundred songs... and this one is like 189 or something... so if you even attempted the playlist, I doubt you got that far... anyways...it talks about a promise... you don't have to watch the vid, it's just kingdom hearts, but I was wondering if you could listen to the song and promise me what the song is asking you to promise....

here's the song..

You don't have to, but I promise you that I will promise you that promise....

I swear...

Love,
ayat

Sticka...

2008-07-23T02:01:00.001-04:00

just testing... if this works... it will be like Icarly... I can start webcasting to you guys... cool, eh?

Univere- another message

2008-07-22T15:41:00.001-04:00

this is just one of my daily messages from the universe...

That you are in their life, Raphire, that you are helping them, was part of the plan... though they cannot see this, either.

god... I wonder what he would say to ayat...?

Drowning...My home trap...

2008-07-20T13:47:00.002-04:00

Nothing is left to chance, Raphire.

That was my message from the universe today...

There was more but...

God, I'm drowing... Did I ever tell you that?

I can't stand being home, I'm drowning...

It's killing me...

No matter how nice my room can be, it's killing me... especially at night...

I can't stand being indoors... I can't breathe... and I'm seroius... I mean I can't... but I don't feel like it....

I only know I am breathing becuase I am not turning blue but I am convinvced it is not enough...

I couldn't take it anymore... LAst night... being trapped... not being able to go outside...

I know this sounds crazy, but I would rather sleep in the grass any day than in a palce bed with bed warmers and a fireplace and everything... I'd rather be outside... I don't care how cold it is... I can't it!! being inside anymore... It's killing me.... I used to have my window open... or go out on midnight walks but I can't do that anymore...

or maybe... I can...
I'll tell you my plan later...

Anyways,... I can never stand sleeping in my bed... I'd rather be outside...

and I can't stand that I can't even open the curtain... they say it's dangerous...

I DONT CARE!!

what I care about is not drowning in my own home

not feeling trapped in my own room

thinking my own santuray is a prison...

my home is a trapp and I can't breathe...

it was killing me...

yesterday night, I went "crazy"

I took down EVERYTHING on the wall...

you know my wall I was braggin about... gone... my headboard... my pictures... my decoratiinos... and out of sight... I even cleared my book shelf and all my countertops... all you can see is my bedspread, my phone charger and my lamp... and booke that I had to keep out... my room looks blank...
before it was overwhelming and stuffed I couldn't breathe and I thought that maybe if It was empty I might breathe better... so I took away everything... now It's just gone... it's just a room... nothing special about it... and I still can't breathe...

last night I could sleeep... I got scared... I get more scared in my bed than if I was outside...

I'm telling
it's not safe for me to keep living on like this... not breathing...

every time I take a shower, I turn off the hot water off and keep the cold water on... and everytime I do... after 5 seconds in the cold water I set back and breathe... when the water hits me... I just start gasping... I can breath in cold water.... not warm... the cold water wakes me up...you should try it sometime, maybe you are drowning too...

But thanks to this post... I got an idea... on how to breathe...

Now you guys already know all about how I used to sneak out at night... i know all sorts of tricks... I know where not to and where to walk... so the floors wont creak....but in this house... the doors creak... so I can't go out them... but I can go out on the deck... at night... but that's not help becuase that's as far as I can go... usually... luckily for me... I know to climb up and down the deck... I can sneak out... just sneak out onto the deck like I always to do, sneak down and bam!! there I am... freadom...

I'll try it...

maybe i wont drown after all....

heres I a song I heard on the radio and knew but forgot... It's called walking diaster... you probably know it but still....

thanks...

trying not to drown,

Ayat... and raphire... but she doesn't need to stay here like me so she doesn't drown...

Arabord

Shemus

def-sun(it's the sun...the yellow one...)

pron-Sh(like the sh in shed) e(like like uh...)mus(like the mus in must consider the t being silent)

together-sh-uh-mus

Nights

2008-07-15T23:07:00.007-04:00

In order to your reply, yes I know his, but I forgot it... i asked my bro what it was and was confused again... I'll try and sound it out and type if here for you...

ha-man-tha...

except reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally... fast... so I'm not sure... but I'm positive I'll see him again... nad hope I wont scare him off if I ask him for his number of e-mail but he doesn't seem like the type of guy to get scared like that unless I shout, "GIVE ME YOUR NUMBER!!!" in the middle of a crowed street... that might scare him off...

anyway, I haven't posted a picture up here in ages... here are some recently...

The pictures orders are from bottom to top by the way... Its becuase of the way they uploaded....

The first picutre is of alli and zein... the people who got the dog... ali is in yellow and zein in green and white....

the second picture is of haydar and lily(lily is the dog..)

the 3rd is of just lily about to climb the steps...

and the fourth was the lucky apple... my mom made me throw it away but i kept it for 2 weeks... through the flood and everything.... 2 WEEKS!! plus some... this is how it looked 5 seconds before I threw it away...

the rest are of the ann arbor pre-fair... none of that guy... ha- whatever his name is... the pre-fair was really fun...

that's like 6 so, that should make up for the past couple of months....I got more I'll upload later...

now for the actually post... first, I want to show you what my daily e-mail from the universe said today...

it said:
If you just whistle every now and then, Raphire; skip every thousandth step or so; skim the odd stone across the odd pond; go dancing on the occasional blue moon, if only alone in the dark; dress up sometimes, even with nowhere to go... for simply stirring up some little bit of hope, no matter how silly or disconnected your actions seem to be with the rest of the world, magic flashes in the unseen, friends are summoned, connections are timed, stars are aligned, opportunities are crystallized and serendipities are calculated, creating possibilities for new realities that cannot now even be imagined from where you presently stand.
Shazaam -
The Universe

thats it.... the thing is... I already do all that... I skip in the hallways, I don't whistle but hum, and I pick all sorts of odd things from weird places(and yes they are clean) I dress up nice to go to the park, or just for no reason..and I dance in the mooon and then it mentioned magic and I'm like the universe is phykic!!!

either way, it's good advice and when I was there, I did all that stuff all the time and you did it with me... but here, no one does it with me... which took me a while to get used to... I thnk I became the weird new girl... I was like a soar thumb in that school...

anyways... did I tell you my new resolution yet? it's to wear my heart on my sleave... which means no secerts... which has me a little confused... sometimes secerts are good... I mean, if I don't to tell anyone.. then I don't have to... but if someone asks, I'll tell, and I will be proud about it... I think that's what it means...and it also means no lying to others or myself, even simple lies, and speaking my mind...and I've been doing this for a week and I've beeen really pleased with it... it's whats making me ask that one guy to ask for that number... it's what i want to do, so I will... make sence? it's actually really cool... I feel like a totally different person...

but I'm not... I'm just more open which means I haveno bottled up feelings...and sure I can get hurt but I get hurt anyways... you just don't seee it... you might as welll... it will make you feel guilty but if you hurt me you deserve it don't you?

and now, enough of that... that my main topic... it's one of those I've been dying to talk about all week...it's about nights...

So, I was just thinking, what if there could only be only daylight or moonlight.... just sun or moon... which means, it's either night 24/7 or its day 24/7 and if I had to pick which one I wanted, I would pick the night... night is much more beautiful... plus there would be no sunset or sunrise... just sun...and sure it can be scary at night but I love the night... and I hate being inside during the night...if I could, I would get my blanket and sleep in the grass( i need a blanket since it's cold and the grass is wet...) and I would have the stars as my roof... I would love that...

and I love the night, which is a problem for me... becuase, people sleep at night, but I don't like that... I don't like the idea, of sleeping away when something as beautiful as that is ticking away... and I mean, we have less night than day, why don't we sleep during the day... theres more of that... I don't like that if I sleep at sunset, I'll wake at sunset... that means I'll miss night completely which I hate... which cuase problems for me becuase I stay awake at night and sleep in the morning till afternoons... and apparently that's not how the world works which is a problem for me... I mean, why should I care how the world works... I should be able to pick the way I want to work but I cant so therefore if I want to fit in I would have to give up nights which I could never ever ever ever ever do.... I would rather sleep from 6pm -4am and work during the night... I wouldn't mind that... but apparently I can't sleep at six... but I like sunrises more than sunsets, though I always miss them... maybe I should do that... 6 is when gilmore girls ends so I'm done with t.v.

yea, I think I just solved my problem... sorta... I sometimes do activities at 8...stupid set up world... 8-6am? but that's normal... doesn't work... 7-5...that might be better...maybe I'll just be sleep deprived my whole life and live off naps......

I'll try that though... sleeping at 6... but heres another problem... it's hard for me to sleep when its not night... but then again... if I am really tired, I just sleep... and music helps... hey!! this will let me drift off....

okay, I'll try it, and I swear, this is the first time I have ever thought of this... but this means I can't stay up late which I don't really mind just as long as I don't miss night completely...6-4....school doesn't start till 7 which gives me a 3 hours for homework... after a good nights sleep.... I'll try it...

so my problem was I was sleep deprived... becuase I sleep at night and wake up late but soon I'll have to start waking up earlier... I think the 6-4 will work... if not for people wanting me until 8... I'll see... why do we even have to sleep at night?!

anyways... that's all... I love nights, can't give it up, and am picking it over sleep which is slowly killing me but I'm dying slowly so... it's all good... I think...

that's all for now folk...

love you all,

ayat, and raphire

raph loves nights too...

PS-I think I might try to get people to call me raphire in high school... instead of ayat,.....what do you think.. my uncle did that same thing with his name...his name was hashim but he changed it joe....

PSS-I forgot the Arabord...

um... today's is...

Shuno

def-what

pronountcaition(I'm going to start doing pron for short now...)

pron-shu(like shoe except with an u... like a shue) no(just like no...)

together-shue-no

Eygpt

2008-07-15T02:48:00.003-04:00

Hola,

Arabord of the Day,

Hellwa-pretty

ex:he-ya, hellwa
means: she is pretty

pronounciation-Hell(like the opposite of heaven) wa( like "wah! you scared me! it's has the same a sound as you have when you go AHH when some one scares you... but its short...)

together-hell-wa

Now for me...

I don't know if I have informed you yet, but I am going to eygpt this summer for a week which is going to be reeeeeallly cool besides the fact that it is going to be 150 degrees and you can get a disease just from the water... ( I am going to need to take shoots to go there so I won't get their diseases)

Anyways, I read a book about eygpt, well about kids who went to eygpt. It was a good book so I ended up staying up till 5 am finishing it but when I was finished, I realized... god... eygpt is beautiful... all the arabic countries are beautiful.... especially at night...cuz... those countries are pure desert.... so there are no trees to block your veiw, no other lights... just the sand and the stars.... and at nights... it's the total opposite of the day.... it's freezing.... and the cool thing about seeing the stars in the desert is the night sky is sooooo dark against the brown sand.... and those stars.... they are beautiful, they are magical.... you know, the arabic countries are known for their stars? and the beautiful eyes.... the girls have been known to have big beautiful brown eyes... I don't have them....

either way... I was just thinking and I realized, I missed the arabic culture... you have no idea how beautiful it is.... The language it's self is sooo beautiful... so much better than english... have you ever noticed how english sonuds stupid? at least the american english? The british english sounds smarter than the american... and it's all so beautiful...english is a prettty simple language to speak...and there's nothing really fancy about it....no rolling your r or speaking from the throat... yea, in arabic, they speak from the throat....

or maybe it's just me...but seriously... don't deny your hertiage... it's really neat... and you know... my parents are getting on me about not being able to speak or read arabic... and I feel really guilty about it... I mean, it's is such a beautiful language... I shouldn't give up becuase it's complicated( it has 5 t's and th's and there is a slight difference between all of them...)

and I want to learn... that's why I'm trying... Me just moving here, I've learned more arabic... becuase I speak it with my family and my family speaks it with each other and i understand... I just repsond in english... but some of it, I don't understand but that might just be becuase of the topic they are talking about which means i wouldn't understand in english anyways...

anyways... it's a beautiful language and I just realized how goood this trip to eygpt will be for my family and everyone... we are leaving the 8, I think, for 10-12 days... I'm not quite sure... it's been changed a couple of times... but my mom has some of her gradeschool freinds there who now have kids my age and I am going to meet them which will be really cool and I am going to see the pyramiads and most of all, the stars... I am really looking forward to the stars...

which brings me to my other topic...the stars... I keep looking at the stars here and i don't know why but they look dull... not the same as they did in columbus....the stars here are dull... it's too big a town, even if it is enviromentally helpful and all.... it's still too much fog...

Columbus had great stars... don't take those stars for granted... I think I might have.... I mean, I always enjoyed the stars... I actually would open my window so I can see the stars from my window becuase I can't see if from the angle looking out my window but I can looking straight up.... I also used to sneak out at night from the basement or the deck and go lie in the grass even though it was wet and just look up at the stars... the moon... almost everyday... it was my escape... I told you about those didn't I? I almost ran away one of those nights, but my dad ran after me...he;s the only person who actually ran after me when I ran away...my mom never did...but that's becuase she knew it's what I needed and that I would come back... besides, I always took my cellphone, but not that time... I only got to the park before I stopped to cry... I think I climbed the tree but then decided it wasn't far enough... so I just stood there and cried.... and I was still on the street... and I saw my dad coming out the house and coming towards me but I didn't move... I could have ran away, even more... I don't know why I didn't...I just stood there, crying and let him walk me home... when I was home, I locked myself up in my room...I ran away becuase I had a big fight with my dad.... my mom wasn't home... ironically, my bro started the convo... i finished it... and then it became between me and him...I'll even tell you what it was about... it was about us, me and my bro, not being him.... like me not being perfect... see that's the thing about traditional arabic dads...aka, mine...they are religious and always right.... even if they are wrong... and very close minded... only one way, their... and they want you to be perfect... aka... them... and I wasn't...I didn't pray... I didn't sleep at the right time...I talked back... I expressed my opinions.. I had midnights snacks.... all un accpetable... they are very strick on rules...actually, if I was back in iraq, I would get beaten for speaking back.... they think it's okay to beat their kids but my parents don't... they've americanized that far...but talking back to your parents is vvvvvvvvvvvvvery disrespectful and you can always see the anger in my dad's eyes when I do... Whenever I do, I always end up hurting his pride... becuase traditional arabic families, the father rules the house, meaning his word is golden and the wives cannot convince him otherwise... they are also allowed to beat the wives... a bad thing about the arabic culture is that it is very sexist language.... women can't get jobs, they have to cover up completely, hajab and everything, and they have to stay home and watch the kids and if they get raped by the men, it's not the men who get in trouble... it's the women who supposedly 'let them'... sometimes they even get killed for that... for disgracing the family like that... I think it's called an honor kill.... they can also be killed for getting a divorce...Arabic people in general are stubborn and it's taking them quite a while to change... but they are genius when it comes to math and sceince.... they invented the number system... 1,2,3,4,5, etc.... and algerbra is arabic... and the guy who invented calculus is arabic... at least I he was... they were also great astronomers.... but like every other culture, they had their faults..."aka...their sexist language, they like to gamble and drink even though the quaran says its wrong, their stubborness... and their closemindness and they kind have big egos...becuase a loong long long time ago... we were the greatest nation but they are in denial that we aren't anymore and still believe that they are the greatest... they think if we go back to the old ways, you willl seee how we are great... aka... they have a hard time adapting to mordern technology...

okay... that's enough about that... I love the culture and everything(beside their meat obession.... arabs looooooooooove to eat meat, especially lamb... my grandpa tried to feed me the stomach of a lamb onces.... but we even have bread made with meat....) but when I got started talking about all that I forgot my intro...

well, I haven't really written much in the past couple of days and weeks which was killing me becuase I have soo much to talk about and I just finished talking about one... arabic culture... that's one out of 8 and as you can see it's pretty long so this is going to be a pretty long post.... I forgot to warn you about that... anyways.,... I didn't tell you about reality yet....

1-(monday)I went to a fair today... the ann arbor pre-fair art fair... ann arbor always has an annual art fair and today I went to the pre-fair to the fair which is supposedly knew... it was cool... there was a robot definition book and I got to make up a definition for what "robo-boogie means..." I let your imaginations think of what I wrote....and I got to make a hat that spells hat out of junk and watch a guy make a loop become 3, 4, 2, whatever... pretty cool... and there was music and food and I saw this guy I met the other day... he's number 3 on reality....I tell you more about him later...

2-(sunday)yesterday, we spent the day at a freinds house who is rich by the way, so their house is huge...their names are ali and zein and ali is four days younger than me and zein is 11 or 12... don't remember but i think he's younger than haydar... it's hard to tell.. haydars so tall.... they are both guys and a little chubby and like genius and apprantly athletic... they got a lot of trophies for sports and are going to play tennis next year which I found out two days ago which is went we went to their house... plus they got a puppy!!! she is sooooooo cute.... her name is lilly and she is nine weeks old and she is a beagle... and I got to hold her and play with her and she loves to bite since she is teething and we went to a park and played tennis in which we lost at and baseballl which is was too hot for but great anger mangaement and then soccer but the feild was too big... then we went to the playground but brought lily with us then( she was with the moms who were sitting while the four of us were playing...) where I was assulted by little kids coming to pet the puppy so I basicully didn't then while the guys played monkey tag and I was answering questions from the girls... and then we went back to their house( we were at a nearby park which actually had a skatepark but I didn't have a board and waasn't that good but it would have been great for parkouring if there had no been so many skaters already occuplying everything...and when we went back to their mansion of a house we walked lilly feed her and play risk where the guys had to team up to try and defeat me and we were in the middle of a big war when we had to go so we said the next roll wins and by chance they won so...by chance...and that was it... but we get to baby-sit lily next time they are out of town...
3-okay... i lied... he isn't number 3... I think he's number 4... I tell you who he is when I remeber becuase I am basicully counting the days backwords here....
so 3 days ago...Saturday...me and my bro went to our jujitsu class( the gental art which isn't so gental... it's hurts a LOT but doesn't kill so... it's cool... it's hurts a lot though... my bro nearly broke my wrist in that class....)
4- and friday...I went and saw ugbaad for the last time this year at the new library( they built a new library 30 minutes up hill biking from here) so me and my bro bikes uphill to it for 30 minutes at like 3 which sucked becuase it was hot and uphill but the library was totally worth and seeing ugbaad was too... she is moving to nigeria tommorrow or today... whatever( its 3:51 am on tuesday. now....) and it was nice seeing her before she left.. and I got to see some of my other freins too, who I hadn't seen all summer... so it was nice....
5- now this is the guy.... but let me start from the morning first... he's at nightish....
In the morning I went to downtown rented a bunch of book from the downtown library then went to my dance class and then went back home by bus( this may sound simple but it took a total of time from 2-6) I got home at 5:50 so I had 10 minutes to eat before I went to help my neighbor who is 11 or so learn karate becuase he is getting beat up in school... I can;t blame him... he screams like a girl...but he's good at basketball... I play with them and the other nieghborhood kids( which consists of all guys who are all my bros freinds... it ranges from high-schoolers- kindergranders.... I'm the only girl... fun ehh? but I get bored...) anyways... his name is see-han( he's indian and very skinny... like verrry skinny.. he eats, but he;s just naturally that way...) so anyways... he has a younger brother who is the kindgardner and they are both good freinds of are but they are moving which is sad... but we used to play with them for at least 5 years becuase we've been playing with them ever since we've been visiting my grandma which is since I was 5... but I tihnk maybe not that young...) anyways... his younger brother is named vee-han and he is 6 or 7... I don't remeber... anyway... they had freinds over which consited of 4 people... two guys, two girls... the two guys were brothers and were cousins to the two girls who were sisters but they all live sort of together(same apartment complex) so they were like one family but not really... the two guys were 14 and 9 or 10... the 10 year old was COCKY!! I mean seriously... they 14 year-old was a black-belt in some koreon sport I don't know the name of and good at serveral others... he showed me this new kick which was really cool since kicks are my thing...and there is no way I am going to tell you names becuase I cannot pronounce them to save my live... all I know is that two of them have names that start with a k so I called them the kk family... now, the two girls... one is 12 and apparently a math geek and the other 7 or 8... little... and her name I acually remeber... it was the first I learned.... kithima... hard, right? hers was the easiest.... anyways they were all indian and all very fast runners so first, instead of doing karate since apparently the oldest guy(14) already was a black belt... we decide to play tag instead... it's like 6...so we played and they are scary fast... and I finally gave up( I was slow and just came back from three hours of walking downtown with books and a dance class... tiring!!) so i just sat there and they finally cuaght on that I wouldn't move so they stopped tagging me... ( by the way, in case you lost count, in total there are 8 of... the two of us(me and my bro), the two neighbors, their two guys freinds, and their two girl freinds who were also the counsins of the guy freinds... 8 total...2,2,2,2... 4 sets of two... okay, enough math...) so we got bored with tag so after that we play capture the flag, in which the 3 oldest kids were against the rest.... aka... the 14 year-old, me, and my bro... we only played two rounds and lost the second one... the first one we decided not to leave our side of the border... so they came to us in which we all tagged them...but it took them forever to come and it took us likd 30 minutes to think to play capture the flag and pick teams( no one wanted to be captian and they wanted the bigs kids to be captian but they all agreed i was too lazy and voted me off, then the 14 had a thing for being captian which left my bro and one of the little kids which cuased problems so they kept asking the big kids to be captians and etc...)anyways.. I got some good questioning which I found out his age, his school, and what sports he did... I think track... he's fast... and of course karate... and his school is some local school that starts with an F.... I'll have to google it...but during that time, I didn't get his name... I wouldn't have remebered it anyways... usefull ehh? anyways... after capture the flag we went and played monkey tag in the park and then gave that up after a while and just busted some karate moves and teased each other and it was really fun... and this is were all the guys got rough and kept tackling each other were the girls just sat and watched and made fun of them... which is what us 3 girls did and that's when we started to become freinds... after that we climbed some local trees.... and moved across the street to the bottom of the hill to climb in this old tree me and the neighborss used to climb alot but hadn't in a while... that's when I found out the oldest of the little girls couldn't do a cartwheel and became determined to make her do one... which is also where I found out that she was the math geek becuase apparently everyone was laughing at her(aka... the two cousins, mostly the smaller one with the BIG ego... he's mean....) and became determined to make her do one... it took some covincing and she didn't master it but i got her upside down a couple of times... I held her feet two... that was also around the same time the guys wanted to play football and I mentioned that I was hard to tackle( I am...) and THEY became determined to tackle me when I wasn't looking... they got me twice but only becuase they all ganged up on me and took out my leggs first... after that we went back up the hill and into the street in front of our house and played some 500 then football(touch) in which the guys lost and another one of the neighborhood freinds of my bros joined... it was me, that freind( whose name is chareles,) and my bro, and one of the little girls( the oldest)against, the ego kid, see-han, (the older of the two neighbors) and the 14 year old... after a while of my team smoking their, the 14 year-old lost his cool and went inside(aka... didn't want to admit he lost to a team the consited of two girls...) it was also about that time the two girls decided to take a liking to me and call me their big sister that they never had which was sweet and all but I haven't seen them since and only saw them for 3 hours in the first place anyways... then the boys played basketball while I taught the girls to skateboard which I was the only one out of everyone minus our older neighbor(see-han) to know how to skateboard....

then they left, and the 14 year-old said hi to my bro at the fair( he was there) but not me but my back was turned and I was dressed with a ribbon in my hair, a dress, and heels and he probably didn't know my name... and an alarm to wake up just went off...

okay... i haven't even started talking about what I really wanted to talk about but I got time... I wrote it all down and it's late and this is already plently long...

I'll just say a couple more things... it's about the 14 year( you saw this coming...) no I don't like him and he isn't really that cute( but he is strong.. bet he has a six pack...) but he would be a really cool freind since he is sooo good at karate...and unfortunetly... I forgot to ask for a number of e-mail and I thought I would never seee them again, untill today but he only said hi to my bro, my back was turned and I was ordering something, so by the time I turned around he was gone which made me mad becuase I would really like to keep in contact with him and his fam( the girls too... I could do less with the big ego one but he's kinda funny...) so next time I see him, I am determined to ask for an e-mail and/or number becuase I don't want this to be one of those see them one time then never again things...I have a lot of though which could have been avoived if I just asked for a number of e-mail....

anyways... that it's I'm still working on my room and got a lot to talk about... so the next post will be really long too... the art fair also starts today too soo I'll be going to that...

that's all folks...at least for now...

love,

ayat and raphire...

still the both of us...

Ps- I am working on my running.. that guy said something about running that made me determine to run track... him and also what MS has been saying about track... it's in the fall so I have plently of time to boost up my endurance... and if I learn parkour, I'll also be good at the jumps....

Strong, weak, saving lives and everything else new...

2008-07-08T02:30:00.004-04:00

first...

I'm cold...

Ani bardana....

and for those of you are who are going "what in the world?" to the 3rd line, it's arabic and means, "I'm cold..."

give me a sec... going to get my lucky blanket..

back.. and warmer...

Okay, first... I'll give you life... then I'll give you my brain...

LIFE:
1-My room is almost finished... just got to make sure the stuff on the wall stays on the wall, and get more tape... it looks great but this has to do with my brain...
2-my mom left to san deigo for the week
3-my dad's still here
4-My grandma got a big screen tv... were next... ( I say it as if it's a bad thing... who know?)
5- I got an Idea for my blog...

Now first, I want to tell you my idea which has to do with the "Ani bardana" thing... I am going to have an arabic of the day thing from now on... at the begining... I will give you a word or phrase... tell you how to prounoune it and tell you what it means...and it will be called "Arabord" which is prounounced... AIR-ord... like the end of word...ord... the b from the whole thing is silent...

so today's Arabord
"Ani Bardana
pronounced-An(like the article an which is related to a) e( just e) Bard(like the preist of preacher or whatver...)an(an the article again) and then na(like no with a na...)
together- An-e Bard-an-na

definition-I'm cold...

sound good... I'll give you a new one every post and before you know it, you'lll be speaking arabic...

but besides that...Nothing really big has happened...... stayed home the last few days, got a book case...my room's finished.... I'll take pictures and send post them once I'm finished which should be tommorrow...

now my brain...
(this is going to a real treat, a nice long treat....)

okay,

first a outline list...
1-crazy
2-strong and weak
3-adventure
4-dream
5-journey...
6-how to save a life

Those are all related kinda like a snake... one snakes to another, which brings me to my first topic, CRAZY,...

Yesterday, I talked to cyril... He's always one at night and he messaged me..."I'm bored amuse me..." which would be pretty funny in daylight hours but it was 2 in the morning and I was awake becuase I was finishing my rooom which made it even more funny... I hadn't talked to this guy in a while, but last time I did, he was on a bad track and he got onto a good one so things were going great for him...

So me being me, how else did you think I would react? I started ' amusing him with crazy thoughts and somewhere in the convo I ended up including, a coin, an instruction manuel, his death, not death, death, not death, him having a tail, him not having a head( I think.... still not sure...) that whales are big... and I think something about monkeys...oh, and of course, my wall..."

So here's the part where I start sounding like my mom and start guessing myself...(my mom goes under another topic which I'll talk about later...) and what I am guessing is my characteristics....

but see, here's the thing about me...I am clueless.... okay... this is going to be hard to explain...

SEE, I am soooooooooo clueless, that I don't even know any of my other characteristics for sure and I'm not even sure about my one characteristic I know I have...clueless ness....

does that make sence...I am sooo clueless about everything, that I'm not even sure I am clueless becuase i don't have a clue on how an actually clueless person would be....

and that's how I am with all my characteristic...clueless... I don't have a clue what the line is for defining whether you have those characteristics or not so I never have a clue about anything, even me...

make sence?
see,

sometimes, I think I'm crazy....
but then again, people hang out with me...
but then again, I don't say much becuase what I would say would be crazy, or at least I think...

I mean, some of my conversations are about completely random like last night with hawkeyes or cyril or whatever...but I don't know if that actually qualifies as crazy....

I think it does becuase he's laughing, but then I am also joking... but sometimes I am also partly serious...

I mean, one of the things I seriously wonder is about what fish think about... becuase i dont know if you knew, but they have a 3 second memory span... so every 3 seconds, does another thought appear, or do they only think the same thought over and over and over again every 3 seconds?

Is that crazy? SEE, to me it sounds crazy but if I was crazy then it would sound normal so does that make me normal?

AND THIS!!! is why I am always confused... becuase I am always sooo cluesless....

and the thing is, I like my cluelessness...
and I like my craziness, or at least the thought that I am partially crazzy( is that crazy?)
and I like that sometimes, I speak my mind...
but at the same time, I don't!

or do I? becuase, with people I don't care about, I don't... or at least, I think I don't.... I think my minds too crazy for them... but then, when I am with people I know, and care about slightly more than dirt, then I can speak my mind...like my mom...but I don't know if that counts... or am I just parniniod and I actually always speak my mind and never know it?

Hey, I wonder if my mom is clueless too... MAybe that's why she always asks all those questions about her personality... I am just like my mom!! Is that good...

or maybe I am not like my mom... I mean, she's great and amazing... and I have a lot of work... and she makes fun of me, but I make fun of her and my bro so does that make us even? Do you see how I turned the topic of characteristics into confusion? That what I mean, when I say the topics are related...

so speaking of characteristics, I was talking with this other freind like half an hour ago(its 3 in the monring by the way...) and he was talking about strong and weak and here's the thing...

I am also clueless about whether I am actually strong or weak... and I might be strong in someone else eyes, or maybe I'm not... maybe it's just my ego.... do you get my confusion?

Anyways, sometimes I think i might be strong in somesones eyes but that could just be my ego and it doesn't matter because I think I'm weak and I don't care if others thinl I'm strong becuase I don't think I am and I am going to try becoming the type of strong person I want to be but does that mean that I am mean for thinking that?

I don't know!! I'm soo clueless!! and the thing is, I also trust people... people all seem genuine to me... So when someone tells me something, I believe them... and then my freind, might tell me something else about them i didn't know becuase I am soo clueless...

and anyways... did i tell you what I thought was sttrong... and it's who raphire is and in my mind, I wish I was her with all my heart so that's why this summer I'm trying to become her but for some reason, no matter how bad I want it, I can never get myself to really commit to it which is a problem becasee Raphire commits... hard...

anyways... raphire wears her heart on her sleave.... you can see her emotion but can never guess what she is thinking becuase she is so random... but she is also a genuis and she is nice and she speaks the truth, what no one else wants to speak...and she is strong, and agile... she knows parkour and she know jujitsu and is smart and knows how to think on her feet... and she comes up with the strangest solutions... but they work and they are simple for the most part..... but they are hard sometimes...and she is alot like luffyy and naruto only I don't want to become one of those people only dream.... I am going to be one of those people who actually does something... and other can laugh, but it's my dream and I'm serious and I'm going after it...like naruto, "Believe it!" but that his motto and I'll get my own...

Anyways, once I become raphire...I'll go on my adventure, I promise,... amd I'm not going to wait for anyone or anything to make the adventure for me...

which leads me to another topic of my clueless ness... adventures... I do a lot of adventures for an average person but for me, it's nothing...

like on the last day of school, I snuck onto the roof of our school building through the window of my spanish classroom... we had a window that leads straight to the roof... and I always wanted to go out on it but the classroom was always locked but we had a sub that day so I checked it after school and it was open so I went out and there I was... I didn't stay long or go far though... people would see me and my dad would be waiting...and I've been on a railroad track bridge... multiple times...so I have adventures.... just not enough for me... but what's sad is no one is ever with me on my adventures... and occasionally, I convince someone but they have one look at my adventures, think I' crazy, reluntintly do them, and then swear to never have another one again which leaves me to find someone else... which is okay with me... I don't mind having no one... you can go faster..... unless they are braver than you...but it can get lonely though... not having someone to share that adventure with... if you read the stories... every adventure has people... you may start out alone, but people join and my adventure is going to be no different...but here's the thing... most adventures also have a goal... my goal is just to have an adventure... during most adventures, you have to find something... luffy, it was one piece... naruto was being hakagoe which meant the ninja missions, and inyuasha had the shards of the jewel... of course those are alll manga but tally was looking for a cure for all those diasseases... and harry potter had to find the deathly hollows... and defeat voldemort although he didn't have much chioce... but if a destiny like that was upon me, I would be happy... in a way....

which leads me to something else.. an adventure is my dream, but what's yours... my room was also a dream of mine and I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo(how many more o's should I add?) happy that I got it... and it wasn't even my main dream but do you know what it's like to have dreamt about something and then finally have it in reality...and your bigest dream, that's the best...you get happy just at the thought of it...that's how I feel with my adventure... being a traveler... just saying it makes me floatie... that's what I want to do... you have to travel to have your adventures... I'll be a traveliing adventurere in search of a goal I don't know yet... maybe one of my freinds who will occopany will have one...
but, the my last year of high school, I am going to graduate early and take the year of and be a traveler or also be a backpacker... i'll be living out of my backpack...and I won't have any electronics... no laptop, tv... maybe music... no... you need to charge it and blah blah blah...

I'll have a pillow and a nice warm blanket... two set of comfy clothes(my favorite outfits...)
a flashlight
and journal and pen/ pencil
soap
money
a lucky charm...
the book tommorrow, my favorite...
matches...
bread
passport
fold-able skateboard?

I think that's all...pretty simple eh... I don't need a sleep bag... I can sleep on the bare foor... I actually prefer it...I need a blanket for warmth sometimes...But I can live of that, I can eat bread for ages and I am working on not needing a lot of food for a lot of work... I am also working on my stamina, parkour, and jujistu... but the time I'm 18, I should be done...

fun, ehh?

but in order to do all that I need to be stronger and I'lll have to be raphire by then...

but here's another thing... people who are strong can also save lifes... I mean mentally... Get people off the wrong paths... and I want to be one of those people...A person who can save a life... Luffy, and Naruto, save lifes, and in a way, they inspired me to do the same...

But here's a thing about luffy and naruto... They are naive and they make stupid mistakes, but their freinds bail them out, and they may sound worthless becuase they make such stupid mistakes, but when it comes down to it, when they need to, they will fight till death for their freinds, for their dream( and since one is a pirate and the other a ninja, it is kinda envitable that fighting will be involved) but they also know what to say to those too weak to fight... cuz in their world, being the best means, being the best fighter... and they are... but I don't need to be... I just need to be good... I won't fight much... and when it comes down to it, when they are fighting for their life(and I know how cheesy that sounds...) they know just what to say to those people who are watching, who they are defending, to give them hope... and they thing is, when fighting the bad guys, they are never alone... their freinds help them out... which just shows the imortance of freinds...

Anyways, I wrote a bunch and I think I am finished.. I still need to do my ritual to get strong for the day which will take half an hour but o well...my fault...

later...

love,

Ayat
and a little bit of Raphire...

PS- now when I talk, It's mostly ayat talking but raphire is still there and I still want to be her, but I'm not so I won't lie to myself...

Questions

2008-07-07T01:19:00.003-04:00

!-How many licks does it take a yoshi to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

2:14

2008-07-04T02:14:00.001-04:00

It's 2:14 am... maybe I should sleep...

Happy Fourth of July!

Love,

Ayat

PS- Here's your song MS... It's good... Thanks...

Paper Wings

2008-07-03T03:20:00.002-04:00

"Between each smile there is a tear in your eye..."

That's is from the song Paper Wing which is from the band Rise against.... you probably already knew them... I never really knew them but I've always loved their songs... See, their songs are the popular for parkour vid's so I watch the vid's, and love the songs, but didn't know the band... don't know why that mattered....

anywways.... that line caught me, and so did the other chorus which is...

"There's a train leaving town in a hour. It's not waiting for you, and neither am I..."

By the way, if you haven't heard the song,... here it is, and this one has the lyrics....

You know, it only mentions paper wings in their once but the song still fits... I also love their song give it all, if that's one of the chioces....

anyways... that lyric, the one about the train, it kinda reminded me about my adventure... becuase if you listen or read the lyrics at the begining of the song, it was about somebody who had adventure, who flew the world on paper wings. Then they got careless and their wings burned... So that's where it ended up... It's like, even if diaster strikes, time won't stop so you better get over it soon....

which brings me to another topic, ... endings....

cuz you see, things never end, never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever evever! And I could add a million more evers to that but it's still that same... Nothing ends...
The only thing even remotely close to an ending is death and even then, it doesn't end...It might end for you, but the world will keep moving...

I guess that's why I don't really get sad when things end... like school or even my grandma's death... Becuase, no matter what, as long as I remember the memories, then nothing ended, it's just a new begining... and I think that's what scares people... beginings...it's not so much endings, as begining... Becuase you can always guess an ending, but you can never guess an begining... Well, techinically, you can, but you can't be sure, but then again, that's the point of guessing....

Anyways, do you get my point? It's like, beginings are more uncertain than endings....

And endings actually never really come... it just, as a I said, a new begining, a new begining that doesn't star the same characters from the last ending... make sence?

What I'm trying to say is... people come and go... but no matter what.. their story keeps going on and so will your's.... it's just that your paths no longer cross....but it never ends... even when most people think it does...

There is only ending that might be even considered an ending and that, is as I said, death... that's and ending...or maybe, it's a new begining, no ones come back to tell us so we can't really know...

Anyways, That's one of the things I wanted to write about... but before I tell you what I really wanted to write about, here's a link... My dad sent it to me in an e-mail... it's funnny and nice and has good advice....

http://www.frontiernet.net/~jimdandy/specials/life/life.htm

and after you come back there, I'm telling you my newest rotuine(sp?) for the new me which is prefect...

It's 3 things, 3 simple things... I just have to do them every day and vawla! a new me... I'll start becoming like raphire except instead of being raphire, I'll be ayat...

1-5 minutes of bicylces crunches
2-100 arms twists each with the 3 weights...
3-meditation...

meditation is actually the hardest... It's easier to do when you are listening to music but when it's silent, I can't do it... I can't even do it when there's music in my head... I don't know if you get what type of meditation I'm talking about? I'm not talking about the 'ohhhhm' type which also works but isn't me... meditation is just clearing your head of thoughts... you can be in any which position you want but sitting up straight is the best for it's good for your health or something.... and you just listen to your thoughts and try and empty them... it's hard than it looks... and right now, I'm at a block...

see, right now, I feel, I'm tainted... my mind is poisined with all this junk I don't want but is addicting.... like t.v.... and youtube...

either way, I feel my minds all tangled up and jangled and I want to untangle it... it's harder than it sound( which I don't know how it sounds but it is very hard)
either way... my problem is that I can never seeem to find a thought... it's jumbled up in such a tight ball, that I can't seem to get a thought loose... So even though my mind is filled with thoughts, I can't think of a single one of them.... which is sometimes why I write becuase when I write, the knots start to untangle but I have a vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeerry big piece of string so I can't untangle my mind in one mediatation or one post and sometimes I get scared that i won't be able to untangle it at all... I mean, there are people who go their whole lives without untangling it and they are just fine but I have a feeling that if i don't untangle my mind, I'm going to go insane... but I'm going insane trying to untangle it!!

and most times, during meditation, I just think of a huge ball of yarn that is my thoughts and it's like 20 feet tall and has a radius of 10 feet so it's huge and there I am standing, a mere 5 foot whatever in front a giagantic knot. And I'm not unknoting it, just staring at it... becuase, I don't know where to start...

Immagine doing that... trying to untangle a 20 foot tall knot...

not so easy ehh?

and to make it harder, i got to untangle it mentally... no help of my hands... well, maybe, if I had a play ball of yarn, and tried to untangle that during meditation... that might help.... yeah, I think that will!! and I just happen to have yarn!

cool....

anyways... now do you get an idea why meditation is hard? It's not just closing your eyes and saying ohm.... See, once the a string is untied, it vanishes into my mental bookshelf where in stead of my thoughts being kept in files, they will be kept out in shelfs so I can see them and look at them and use them at my will.... and it will be completely organize and there will be a lot of spavce where that knot used to be and that will be where I can think about nothing becuase I will pull down the white curtains (my mind is this huuuuuuuge white room ... well not so much white as grayish... like a reeallly clean gray... like namine's room in KH2 but not that fancy... just the color... and one wall, the bigest, the one opposite the door( my mental room is like 50 feet tall by the way....) and on the big wall, will be a bookshelve...the same color as the wall the exact same size as the wall, and you can't even see that wall.... that wall is a book shelf.... about 20 ft wide and 50 ft tall and it displays all my thoughts but as for the rest of the room, it's blank... it's that same color.... you can see black lines along my room though,... on all the edges... it's what keeps things from being straight...

so in my mind... once I untie the knot, which is dirty from dust and grease all jumbled in their, once I seperate the bad thoughts that I want out of my mental room and the ones I want to keep on display for forever, and then I will clean out and polish and shine all my thoughts but first I got to untangle them all, them I will have this huge mess on the floor and then I will have to sort all my thoughts and then I can organize them on the huge shelf.... and throw out the thoughts I don't want... and then I can finally think about nothing.... but it's rrrrrrrrrrrrreallly hard to think about nothing when you got a huge knot taking up all the room in your mental room and you can only think about the ball and not all the thoughts becuase the thoughts are all jumbled up....

anyways, if that made no sence, don't worry. Your not the only one who thinks I'm insane... but either way, that's what I got to do... It will take at least a year for me to do it which is why I got to meditate for like an hour a day...

anyways...the other stuff I wanted to talk to you about is... rabbit rabbit day was yesterday, I won't see my baby cuz for a month... she is going to NY to see her mom them canada to see her grandma.... my bro is going to be gone for a month with my other british cousins who are coming... ugbaad is coming tommorrow and we are going to hang out for like the whole day which is going to be really cool... I am still making the same wish and I am still determined that it is going to happen.... just watch me... you can come along if you want.... but if you hesitate, it will be just like the song...

"There's a train leaving town in a hour. It's not waiting for you, and neither am I..."

the train's my oppurtunity. I'm not going to miss it. It now or never... well,... more like then or never... either way, when that train comes, I'm going to be ready and I'm going for it...

I got to go now... in august I'mgoing to egypt for a week... don't know if I told you already or not... it supposed to be suuuuuuppper hot there and it's apparently costing my mom a fortune so we are like saving right now but still...

she says it will be worth it becuase in 4 years I will be off at college and she won't be able to go on trips with us anymore, not like that....

It's four in the morning...
I'm tired...
going to go sleep
and wake up at noon
and have everyone be mad at me
for waking up so late
as always
becuase I stay up soo late....

later,

love and all,

Ayat and a little less of raphire....( she says hi!)

Parkour vid

2008-06-30T01:28:00.001-04:00

In case I haven't already shown you, this is a parkour vid... it's actually one of my fav's becuase of the song... Anyways, we can do some of the bar stuff but not any flips yet.. we are working on it...

love,
ayat

this is purely from ayat

Losing Yourself...

2008-06-27T18:11:00.001-04:00

Ever know what it is like to loose yourself?

Like look into a mirror and see someone else, or a stranger?

I don't know what I'mtalking about. Reallym just blabing.. Don't even know why I asked you that. It's not like you really care right? I mean, I'm telling you everything about me, but I don't know if you really care about all of it. And sometimes I just feel selfish...

argh!!

You guys care, right?

I hope so..

But sometimes, I reverse it, and think, if you were telling me all this, all your secerts... would I still care? I think so... but I don't really know. I think that's when real freindship shows....

again, just blabing...

For all I know, you might not even be hearing all that. Don't know why it matters though...

It could be something or it couldn't....

Okay, even though, you might not care, but do you wonder why I'm debating between Raphire and Ayat? And I know that no matter how much I can deny it, I will always be Ayat, and never Raphire...

Which annoys me. Becuase in truth, I hate ayat. She is the person I DON'T want to be.

and I love raphire. Raphire is the person I've always wanted to be. Which makes me angry that I can never be raphire and am stuck being ayat...

If you don't get what I mean is, imagine this...

Imagine the person you've always wanted to be. She can be alien, she can be bold, she can have a temper, she can be strong, she can be weak, she can be anything... It's like the perfect person, the person you've always wanted to be....

For me, that's raphire, not ayat...

And I want to be raphire. Raphire is everything I'm not. But not only that, but she deserves an adventure. Ayat doesn't. That's why I want to be her. She is bold, and daring and doesn't care about fear. And she's nice. Not hypicrytical...She's athletic... can run for miles and miles... and she's just her. She gets angry at injustice but not at people...

and it's not like she's an alien. She human. Completely human... So that's what I'm trying to do, the type of person I'm trying to recommit myself to be..

But I know it takes time. Any great person, didn't become great over night. No change like that happens in a day... I got to train.

But even while I train, I can't help but feel pathetic. But I guess I just have to get over it....

Anyways,

Ms.. lol..your comments do that to me...

I know you love doing that, and I know it's different for every person... but do you think you could give me your opinion, tell me what door you woud go through? So that way, I can see why?

The notebook-the movie

2008-06-27T01:48:00.002-04:00

roar
rawr
rowr
roawr

I didn't know which way was the right/write way to spell it.

Anyways...I just finished watching the notebook the movie, LM suggested it to me. She said it was her favorite and I had heard that it was good and it is but still not my favorite. Pretty close though. I can see why it's your favorite...

So me just being me, just had write something about. I don't have to write it here, I can write it anywhere, just write. I don't know why, but I have to. and if I don't write it, I forget it, and I mean forget it. I mean, I'll never think about that again. It will be pooff! gone. So in a way, that's why i write. SO I won't forget... Not that you'd care...

I mean, I do a lot of crazy stuff... If I could, I would just go sleep on the deck right now.. Don't even need a blanket... I think it's even raining but it will be nice all the same...

and while I am thinking this, I am also thinking, what's stopping you?

See, here's the life... Life's simple.

There are people who will hunt me down, and skin me into peices for saying that, but it's true. If you really think about it....

Becuase no matter how much you try to deny it, it's true. You can still deny it, still believe I'm crazy. But it's true, no matter how much you deny.

See, life is basicully a yes or no question. Scrath that... it's a bunch of yes or no questions. But the thing is, when comes down to it, it's either yes or no. And you can't say maybe. Maybe will get you nowhere. The question will still not have an answer. Some people, don't like the question, so they just run away, try to find another question. Sometimes they excape it and get another question, and sometimes they don't. But each question, has two sides. The hardest questions are the questions of the opposites, or the questions of the same, which in truth, are opposites. Acually, I think the questions that are the same are the hardest.

See, becuase the questions that are oppsites, like yes means stealing and no means not stealling... basicully, that's good or bad. There are a lot of good or bads, or wrong or right, or good and evil, or whatever else you want to call it. But i think the hardest are the ones that are both right. There is nothing wrong with either, it's just you can't have both. Or two wrongs. Becuase you don't want to do either, but you have choice...

and that's just what life is, chioces... it's just a string of yes or no questions.

And the reason it seems so complicated is becuase the strings are attached to stuff. If you say yes to a string, if you pick that string, you get all the stuff of that string, good and bad... Some have only good, some have only bad, some have more good than bad, and others have more bad than good.

But whatever string you decide to take, you get everything that's with it.

And that's what's soo hard about life... deciding what string to take. It's just a bunch of chioces...

And another reason why it seems so complicated is becuase not everyone has the same idea of good or bad... it's not all the same... and not all want more good than bad...

And you don't have to think of this as strings. You can think or it as doors. Your in a room and there are only two doors out, and you have to go out becuase of time. Behind one door, is option A which involves this and this and Behind door two, is option B which involces that and that.

and you can never take back a string or go back through a door. It's a one way tunnel. and you always have to keep moving. Time makes sure of that. It's what pushes us forward no matter how much we want to go back and it's also what keeps us from going back...

and after every string, every door, every path, or whatever else you want to call it. There will always be another pair or strings to choose from, another door to choose from, another fork in the road...

If you want an example how everything is yes or no well here...

My last door was

"should I sleep?"
or
"should I go online and write"
and I choose write. Other might have choosen sleep but I couldn't. I always have to choose the door to write. That's just me. Even if behind that door, it means I'll lose hours of sleep...

but behind the other door, was forget all this and I would rather have that, than more sleep....

and life is just yes or no questions, no matter how you look at it. Maybe there might actually be 3 doors instead of two... depends how you look at it. Maybe, if you look hard enough, when all you see are doors to doom, you will find a hidden door to hope...

Which leads me to my question,

What is stopping me from just sleeping on my deck. What is making me choose this door?

Q-Should I go sleep on the deck?

Door 1-Yes
Reasons-I like sleep outdoors, it would make me happpy, and it's so beautiful out.

Door 2- No
Reasons- My dad would get mad, I could get i sick, it might rain, there might be somebody out there basicully, it's dangerous...

So I chose door #2... but the main reason I am not going outside is my dad. Besides him, danger like that really isn't a factor...

it is when it comes to falling though....

So do I make sence? I'm not saying you have to veiw life as a yes or no question but what I am saying is don't do like the girl in that movie...

She was asked a very hard question and when asked the answer she said, " It's complicated"

All I'm saying is, it's not. It's yes or no. But she had to think about it. Thinking about it isn't bad but sometimes tricky with people becuase it takes time and time is pushing people forward so by the time your done thinking, that person might be gone, gone forward through another door and no longer behind the door you chose..It's not wrong, it's just tricky... which is sometimes, why you have to be patient. Becuase if your not and you leave the room, and that person shows up, you coulda missed out big...

Do you get what I'm saying?
If not, no problem.

If you do, then maybe this can help you solve your problem...

and that's what we sometimes call those questions of which one to pick... problem... becuase your stuff still you can figure it out...

Maybe i should use my yes or no questioning skills to answer my adventure question...

maybe... maybe not...

But not today...

See, I just went through the door that said not to answer that question today, but to answer it someday....

and I promise you, I will...

Love...

Raphire or Ayat

Still a question...

and the answer can't be both...

Ps- MS...you didn't answer my question on the crying. you just restated what I already knew except better(how'd you do that?)...You didn't tell me whether it was okay to cry or when it is okay to cry for that matter... Just wrote what I already knew about crying, that it could help, and sometimes does, but didn't say if it was okay...

Here's another question....

Do you think it takes more strength to not cry after an enemy hurt you and not so fear
or
Show you enemy exactly what you are feeling? Cry after they've hurt you and let them see you heart even though they might hurt you more...

Basicully, hiding yourself from someone you hate so you won't get hurt, or showing your vulanbilty to someone you hate even though you might get hurt?

Fairy Tales and Happy Endings

2008-06-23T22:01:00.002-04:00

Once upon a time...

okay, So I've been thinking (big shock there!)...

I've been thinking about fairy tales and happy endings...

Just in case you didn't already know, I am kinda obssessed with disney and the princess and fairy tales and all. I mean, I love reading the books and I was just thinking about it and...

Did you know fairytales are sterotyped against? All stories like with a princess and prince are sterotype to have a happy ending.

And that's all people think about, the end. And they say, it's all lies becuase it has happened yet.

But have you ever thought about the begining of the stories? Any one of them...

I mean, rupenzel was trapped in a tower since birth. No school, no freinds, no tv.

Same for sleeping beauty, I mean, she had to live in the middle of a forest for 16 years? With no people near-by. Made freinds with the animals... And then, when someone did come, she finds out she a princess and can't stay? Her whole life was kept a lie from her her whole life and then when things in the life she has finally perk up, she finds out her real life. Not only that, but in her life, she is purused by an evil witch? How would you feel if you had a curse set upon when you were a baby and weren't told about it but were forced to in live in the middle of a people-less forest instead?

And think about Snow white... I mean she was a princess by birth but had a mean aunt so she was forced to wear rags and clean all day.

And Ariel, she wanted a dream that was impossible so she had to give up her most prized possession for it...

And belle, her father was taken captured. She was forced to live with the beast. How would you like that?

If you went back to ANY disney movie, they all cried becuase they were all at their lowest low. It's not like they just got their happy ending...

I mean cinderella. Her father dies when she was 5 and she was really close to him but instead of mourning, she is forced to clean up after people who aren't even her family. And when her hope of going to the ball comes, her family ruins it for her. Thank goodness she had a guardian angel. It was her only glimspe of hope since she was 5! 11 years!!

All these girls, all their lives have been trapped. Years... Jasmine, forced to marry someone she hates, trapped inside the palace. Not ever seeing the outside world.

Okay, get my point? Their happy ending didn't just appear. They suffered, and they were at the end of their rope...

and a little bit of hope came

but it came when diaster was there.

SO my point is, maybe happy ending aren't as obsurd as we say they are...

And it doesn't take much for a happy ending... it doesn't even have to be an ending, just happy...

So basicully, think of this, think of your goal, and think how much you want, and think how happy you will be when get.

So that's it...

That's your happy ending. Once you reach that goal, that goal that will make you so happy when you get it, that's your happy ending.

Now all that's left it the detials, the path in between. Your going to have to work hard to get it. Or maybe you won't. But if it's truly worth it, then most likely you will, but if you reallly want it, then you would be willing to work through it all.

Okay, here's a quote I found yesterday and it struck me. It makes sence...

"If things aren't perfect dont give up, because in the end everything will be ok. If it's not ok it's not the end.. "

I expecially like the second part..

If it's not okay, then it's not the end.

But that's the thing, if you end there, then it is the end. By the happy ending, is there(no duh!)

either way, hope that makes sence and if not, well you just wasted 10 minutes of your life...sorry or maybe I'm not...

Love,

Raphire, or Ayat

still deciding

PS-MS. Your answer, in a way made sence. The last part did... The first part, not so sure. I'll have to read it over again but here's questions #2...

2-Crying.

Is it good for you or is it bad for you? Becuase I read somewhere the crying is actually good for your soul but at the same time it solves nothing besides getting your emotions out which isn't that big a deal, or is? But if crying is okay, when do you cry. Becuase my low here would be a high for anyone in africa or a soldier in Iraq. So does that mean, I only cry when I reach that point becuase anything above is just being spoiled or is it different per person becuase I'm not a person in Africa and this is my life and when I feel low, maybe I should cry

But then think about the people in africa and if they cried what would it solve for them? They would still have disease and no home and war and everything so they don't cry and even if they did it wouldn't solve anything except how you feel which I don't know if it actuallys needs solving?

And does not crying mean you are strong or just alone becuase you won't let anyone see you cry?

It still confuses me...

MAybe you have an answer for this too MS...

Smiles to go

2008-06-21T14:14:00.002-04:00

okay,

I can't pick a word right now becuase it so irnoic but just me saying that this is irnonic is ironic.

See, yseterday, I hadn't read for a long time so yesterday I just sat down and read the books I got from the library. I only got through 2.

the first I read started in the morning when I woke up and then didn't stop till I was finished.

That book was the new book in the maximum ride series called final warning. I saw it at the library checked it out, read it the next day and am going to return it today. It was good. But it only made me wish for my adventure more. Also made me realize that I am in a HORRIBLE state to have an adventure. Which is why I got to intensify my training.

See, I don't want the reason i can't have my adventure is becuase I'm not in shape. So that's what I am doing. Whipping myself into shape. I am going to start by running a mile everyday. Right now, I can run a mile but I have to stop. For some reason, if I don't stop, my heart starts beating a million times faster and then I can't breathe. That's only becuase I'm out of shape and have a horrible lung capcity which I want to change. Plus, I am also going to take some classes. Jujutisu and dance. I have already been taking dance but my class ended so I am taking it again. It's really cool becuase I learn cool tricks and also how to be more graceful and light footed and all becuase let's admit it, I'm a major clutz. When it comes to dancing, I am a blob and am very frigid and my moves don't flow. So I need to work on flowing more which also means becoming light footed which I would need for my adeventure. I also need to higer my stamina, which sucks right now. There are a lot more things that I need to do ao that's what my summer is going to be spent on. Also, I told I have to get a job. Well, I found an opening at the library which would be perfect for me!! It would be soo awesome!!

Anyways, The other book I read is also a knew book by jerry spinelli. Jerry spineelli is SUCH a good author. He always makes me think and that new quote I added at the top, smiles to go before I weep. It's from his book. One of his characters had 'remade' one of robert frost poems to go from "and miles to go before I sleep" to " and smiles to go before I weep" and that's what the book is named. Smiles to go. " it's a really good book.

So by the time I finished this book, becuase of my slow readin skills, it was way past midnight, probably like 2 in the morning. This book had made me cry and me being me just 'had' to write something. See, I had just founded my journal, the one dawn gave to me for christmas which I sorta forgot about becuase I had the blog and my penmanship kinda sucks and 2 it was packed. So today, I have bought some stuff for my room and had started unpacking and found it and it made me REALLY happy becuase it macthed my new room color sceme which is black and white with a pop color of orange. and the journal is black and white. So I put it on my new nightstand. which is not really a nightstand at all. (typical... typical of me) see... my room is hard to explain. Once I get enough money to pay off my mom and then buy a new camera charger or if I just find the old one( I haven't seen it since the new york trip. See, we came in late and it was in my school bad so in the morning, I just dumped out everything on the floor where I usually put my stuff(which to my mom is the middle of the hallway) and I just left it there becuase I was late. When I came back, my mom decide to 'clean' and that included my clothes so I didn't know where anything was. So I wasn't really worried. And then us moving just added more things and etc, etc. So anyways, I haven't since and my camera is running out of battery so I don't really want to use it which sucks becuase it's like the world is torturing me becuase I am seeing such beautiful potential pictures everywhere I go which as I said, sucks, becuase moments like those only come once and if you are really good, you can catch them with your camera. That's why they say a good photgrapher always have their camera becuase you never know when a moment is going to pop. But once it does and you don't have your camera the moment is gone and so is that poetential picture which sucks for someone who loves catching those moments.

Anways, that book made me cry and as I said me being me just 'HAD' to write something becuase the thing with me is I can't cry for me. I can cry for someone else so easily but when it comes to me, I can't. Unless my heart is breaking which sometimes happens when I am talking to a freind or my mom or dad and the conversation isn't going well. That's another thing. My heart has kinda grown weak. I used to not be able to cry so easliy but now, it can take the littelest thing to make me cry. and I am not talking physical pain. Physical pain won't make me cry. It's emotional. I told you, I'm an emotional wreck. Either way, once I get started crying for someone else, then I start crying for me. Like once I am going, I'm going. So I had to write about. So I wrote like a page and then I went and read my previous entries which made me cry becuase, me being me...

It's ironic and me just saying that word is ironic which I said before becuase even back then, I somehow knew who I would be in the future which is freaky, in a way, but that just proves that maybe I'll always be the same. See, I went back and read it and all those emotions I was feeling, I had been feeling all that time. By that time, I mean, within the last 6 months. I only had about 5 entires but boy do I pick the best and worst things to write during those times. One of my entries I was writting furing Mr. Darlages class which was about, guess what? It being over. It was 3 days before the end of school for winter break. and even then I was scared. And this was before I had my blog. You know my original idea for a blog is written in there. I have at the top, written in a square by it's self, " here's a crazy idea. How about I start a blog?" and then next to it, sometimes within those last 6 months, well actually 8 now, but during those months I wrote next to it after I gotten it, "It's not such a crazy idea" which is ironic becuase that's what I think everytime I look at that statement, even now, and I wrote that statement months ago. Just proves I still think the same way I did back then. So those emotions I was feeling at the end of the school year then, we're the same I was feeling at the end of the school year a week ago. Still me. Guess maybe i haven't changed. I still think the same. And me being me, during my entries. Left clues for the future, becuase me being me, knew that I was going to read this again, so I wrote things I would probably forget by then becuase I only write in that journal when I am like at my lowest which is a long time. March had been my last entry. Guess what day? March 14? My lucky day. I had also refound my journal then. And I wrote all about my adventure at 14. and how it was going great which I had totally forgot about. Well not totally but ... It's hard to explain. It's just I forget the way I do. ME just being me. I told you, I'm a wreck and VERY hard to explain. That's just me. Sometimes I don't even understand me. But anyways, me just being me, left clues to myself, like hiding the name I had come up in a place in the book and then forgot I even had named it. Then when I was reading it, I had slipped in my hiding place and went and look and what do you know, there's the perfect name I had for the book hiding in the place I had thought and forgotten. And imagine if, me not have been me, hadn't slipped that in, I would have forever forgotten that perfect name. And I also wrote some things not to forget like the first time my family came to columbus, we ate at the outlet mall, MAx and Erma's and I remember it was a tuesday becuase becuase the magician was there and he made me a panda, my favorite which I kept for like 3 years till it finally broke, like right before we moved. It had disinflated(if that's or a word). And we had a sunday bar and it was awesome. IT was just me and my mom and my bro and we got to eat desert first becuase we wre hungry and my mom alowed us which was funny becuase I told my mom, no we should eat food first, and she said, no your hungry and the ice cream is ready so go eat. becuase they had an ice cream bar which comes with the kids meal which sometimes even my mom orders. Yep, my mom also loves kids menus. I tell you, you won't ever find another mom like her. Never. Sometimes, it sucks, but most times, it rocks.

So anyway, All those emotions I was feeling that day, I had felt in all those day before...

I had 8
1-scared
2-happy
3-sad
4-forgotten
5-ironic
6-confused
7-lost
8-craziness

8 was the newest one and so I came back to irnonc becuase it's ironic that even 8 months ago, I was still feeling the way I did even though the situation changed so I also added #8 which is craziness becuase that's how my situation had become, crazy. Which is alright for me but verry comfusing which again, leaves me lost. And me getting so caught up in reality, I sometimes forget me so I feel forget but me being me knew I would get lost in reality so left clues to remeber what I forgotten and I told you, it's crazy and ironic. But also sad and happy, becuase I'm sad that I forogt but happy that I knew me well enough to remind myself. It's like I leaves clues to myself and then forget about them and then find them in the least likely places. Crazy right?

and that's just me...

and the ironic thing is that I still think this is ironic.

anyways, I think I wrote enough. I don't know if any of you guys ever writes notes to your future self, hide in them in a place you will forget about but will find later when you need it or if it's just me. I told you crazy. But if you do, then maybe I am not crazy....

Who knows?

Maybe my future self will know. And you know, sometimes I feel the same way when I got back and read my past blogs....

Love,

Ayat,

or Raphire

Still trying to figure out which one is me...I did that in my journal too, even back then, I signed Raphire, but now I am thinking maybe I'm not her and just me...

PS- I got some questions for you. And they are complicated puzzles and my freind here read them once and said, "good questions" but didn't give an answer which makes me wonder if there is an answer... so here are the questions. IF you have an answer, could you pleaze tell me. I have been thinking about it and both seem right...

1-Okay, let's say you are a totall jerk, b***** but you know it's wrong to be one so you keep that in the inside. For example. Some who you secertly hate says something that ticks you off and inside you are fuming and want to tell them off but you know it's wrong so you just ignore it becuase they are a good person but you just happen to hate them and they don't deserve that. So you just keep it inside. Does this mean this person is nice becase they know right from wrong and are keeping the bad on the inside, or does it mean that they are a liar becuase they are lying to the world?

And what about the people closest to the person, the freinds and family. Do they deserve to know the true persons insides even though they might get hurt? Becuase if they don't, then it's like they don't really know the person. But if they do, then they might get hurt and alone and everyone might hate them.

And back to the person. Can you really change your attitude or are you just lying to yourself? Are you just stuck with the attitude you are born with? So if this person is just a jerk by brith does this mean she is doomed to become either a jerk or a liar? Jerk for showing her trueself or a liar for not showing her trueself and keeping it inside but not hurting anyone?

That's more like 3 questions so I'll leave it at that for now. If you got an answer, could you please tell me? Becuase I can't figure it out. And I got a million more questions like that, except I can't remeber them right but when I do, I'll tell you. I told, my freind saw the question and still didn't have an answer and neither do I so....

That's all folks

This too, will pass

2008-06-15T12:57:00.003-04:00

lol,

sorry MS, But what you said was funny becuase the parts I couldn't figure out were true and the parts I already knew were right...

Yea, peyton was back, but not at school, at EMU and graduation. EMU was what we called our graduation party becuase it was at East Michigan University(E-M-U).Emu was thrusay night and graduation was friday morning. Toner, that kid who I used to like that one, the one in band who plays the sax. I can't figure him out. Did you know he like the smartests guy in school? I had no clue. I found out from the yearbook. In a school full of asian genuises, he's the smart one? and he doesn't even act like he is. Anyways, he is also very nice and hugged everyone after school which made me crazy becuase if he was hugging people, people like me, then that truly meant it was over and I have huge trouble believing things are over, HUGE TROUBLE! I don't I actually get it ever. I don't really get the meaning becuase in truth. It's not over. It's just never going to be the same. See, school is like a normality. It's your samness and it gives you some sort of peace knowing you have some normality. Well when it's over, as much as I hate normality, I can take that it's over. That I will never have that same normal again. And that normal canges for person to person. It includes your teachers your grade your assignments, after school activies, evening the routes you take to your locker.

So that was my last ounce of normality becuase I would never be at that school again and there he was to ruin it by doing something not normal as in hugging me. which just proved, things already started changing.

And then peyton, grr... He, I was planning on never seeing him again. I mean, I hadn't seen him since, what?, march?! and then 4 months later he shows up out of the blue to just ruin the plan to never see him again. See I was barely getting used to him being gone and I ad finally had it down, and bam, there he. I told you it took me a long time to get over things being over. And I thought peyton was over but turns out NOOOO...

and as for my fmaily my faimly, you hit the mark. Sometimes even my freinds too. I don't know how I do it, but most times, when I talk, no one listens. You know how in the movies one person asks someone a question and the person replies with a good answer? But the first person isn't listening and then says, "what if..." and just repeats what the person they asked just said and you know how that person, depending on whether they are used to it will say something like, " Why didn't I think of that," or say, " I just said that!" Well I am that person. I swear. When I say something, nobody listens and then they just repeat or ask a question to which I had just answer in the sentence before. I am not exaggerating either. and it annoys me soo much to be that person that sometimes, i don't even speak at all. Becuase no one is listening. It may seem like a talk a lot but in truth, sometimes I go so long without talking, I forget how the sound of my vioce sounds. So I talk to myself just so I can hear myself speak and I hear this vioce that is all cracked from going so long without talking. Ever heard of a vioce like that. Or sometimes, when I don't talk I don't even open my mouth. So just so I can get my mouth open, i just sigh. So I can know how it feels to just open my mouth.

Anways, life is sooo crazy which is ironic since I am just sitting here on the couch in silence. But the only reason I have this peace is becuase I was forgotten and my mom left the house without me which left me alone in the house. I called her and she said she wouldpick me up in another 1 and a half. So i had an hour and half to kill.

Anyways, summer is going to be crazy. I still can't believe it has started. This is my first monday of no school and I feel like it's still sunday. Wait, it is sunday, isn't it? I wondered where my other day went but everyone was asking me yesterday if I had school tommorrow and I told them tommorrow was sunday but they still asked(example of no one listening). I asked if it was sunday and still no one replied making me believe they were right and I was wrong... Teaching me to doubt myself. I can count!

Anyways, I did a horrrible thing yesterday and have been grounded for 500 days. i also have to make 500 hundred dollars to pay back my mom. Yep I screwed something up that involved 500 hundred dollars. No offence, but I would rather not talk about it. So I am officially grounded for a year and a half. But no worries. My mom's grounding is the honnor's system. Which means i can do whatever I want as long as I can live with myself after doing it. basicully, guilt. And I am not to have 'too much fun' over the next 500 days. actually, 499, now...I still don't know what that means becuase my mom is still taking me on a familu vacation to egypt and that is supposed to be really fun. Plus she offered to take us to a movie yesterday... I love my mom's punishments. Anyways, I still have to have a summer job to pay off but I was planning on getting one anyways. So, I was googling summer jobs for teens and I found this article. Basicully it says, it's harder for teens to get summer jobs becuase of child labor laws. So if a teen was really interested in a summer job, they suggested, work at home jobs which I didn't know existed for teens but they do and they are pretty easy. Just check out this link. It tells you all about if and if you are looking for a blogger site for the money thingie, we can use the peacingtogether blog. I think it would be great if that could get some more people.

so heres the link. It really cool. Just read it. It's pretty simple, although, I would stay away from e-bay. It reminds of what got me into this 500 dollar mess.

http://www.pcworkathome.net/jobsforminors.html

and as for other things. My cuz got a cat and is looking for names. Any ideas, just tell me. I suggested princess...

Breathe

2008-06-12T23:09:00.002-04:00

I CANT BREATHE!!

I just typed everything and it;s gone and it was all crap and what's really important is that I can't breathe...

not literally... I am getting air and everyhint but my mind feels like a fish out of the water...

I can't breathe...

it's over, it can't be over,... stupid hug

and peyton, the idiot, no me the idiot and EMU and my mom and my dad

and the stars and basketball and the wind....

yea, the wind... the wind kept me from getting lost today. told me which to go and basketball on the deck with the stars and I didn't know I was going to have to give up that and the computer makes me braver becuase you can't see my face or more I can't yours so if you dont reply or dont give a good face i wont know becuase i can't see it so I tell you so I have to tell you in person and see your faces becuase the look in your eyes would kill me...

and I climbed on the roof and over a bridge and for a second I could breathe but then I couldn't becuase it was over and...he was there, he shouldn't be there, I was supposed to never see him again, that stupid jerk

and that other stupid jerk gave me a hug which made me finally realize...

IT'S OVER!!

and I wanted to go up to him and say no, dont give me a hug you idiot, becuase it's not over... IT's not over, its not over and even though it is I keep saying that in my head in hoping that in some way it might become true becuase it cant be over, IT CANT BE OVER!!!

I cant get over things... and
Im crying...

they're leaving, it's over, I can't breathe, he's back, it's not over, and then my family with the agruments and the not listening and being ignored and too independent and no supposed to be this much independent for this age but I am and there is nothing wrong with being weird although there is for me cuz then you're shunned and I can't live being shunned although everyone ignores me anyways so I guess I am already being shunned which might explain why I can't breathe...

WHY CANT i BREATHE?

its so easy...

but i cant do. I dont know how to do it properly. I always feel like I am being suffocate.. unless my heart starts beating 10 faster, I cant breathe

and that means

adventures,
moments, and
cold water

the also includes running away

and that's why I do some of those stuff becuase if I don't i can't breathe and then I suffocate....

it's over....

over and out,

( I dont know whether to put ayat or raphire....)

Dawn, you're not the only has two personalities...

2008-06-06T16:35:00.002-04:00

okay...

Here's my idea of the funest thing we can do in Columbus....'

Downtown...

Get to know downtown... it is so awesome and has all these cool little shops and I bet they are all really awesome... So I want to take you all on a tour of downtown but I don't really know downtown that well myself so it will be completely sotanious and just whatever.... what I'm wondering is will your parents let you walk around downtown with just me alone or does my mom have to be there? Either one is fine but I think it would be more fun without my mom....

Second, I want to know how good of an idea you think it is... you guys don't have school saturday, do you?

thirdly(hehe...)I want to know how long you can stay saturday becuase I think at least two hours downtown and then a movie would be awesome? If I could, I would stay till night then go to millrace park and climb the firetour when it's all dark and all you can see is the city lights... I think that would be beautiful...

fourth... if you can even come at all and yes, at what time...

I would like you all there, including you, LM, if you are reading this... and you too King Kat... If your health allows it...

If you can come,I'll be in Millrace park around noon... still don't know becuase we have to drive first,but I'll be on those big steps... and I'll be wearing my signature brown hat... you won't be able to miss me.....

love and looking foward to seeing you soon,

Raphire...

Little elves...

2008-06-04T16:53:00.003-04:00

Hello Mad World,

okay, here's a little story that I made up and told myself whenever I lost something...

If you know me, then you know how I lose things... constantly...

I have lost like ... everything, but usually, I find them...

usually...

As for what I don't find, I am comletely and utterly convinced that they have disappeared into thin air...

but of course that is immpossible so I came up with this more practical solution...

elves...

There are little lost and found elves, or at least, that's what I call them.... Anyways, there are these lost and found elves that STEAL your stuff when your least expecting it... They just run and take it and then THEY disappear...and so does stuff... and that explains why stuff disappears..

Lost and found elves steal it...

and THAT is why I can't find my camera battery... The elves stole it...

BUT sometimes, they are nice or just don't like the stuff they stole and bring it back BUT they put it back into ANOTHER place THAT you haven't looked soo you will think that's where you lost even though that's just where the elves hid it....

and SOMETIMES they don't even brother stealling it and just hid but they hid in the place you would last expect which is why you shall find the things you've lost in your brothers shoes...

SEE!

They have fooled us! and tricked us all this time... They are soo tricky!!

little evill elves...

I wonder what they do with the stuff...

ARGHH!!

the elves have stolen me!!

You're stolen freind,

Raphire...

!&* posts...

2008-06-02T19:52:00.003-04:00

hola

those are the symbols above the 1,7,8 which put together, 178, is the number of posts I have on this blog so, the number of bundles of information i have writtent to you since i have left... and just think, I have been gone longer than those 178 days becuase I don't write todos los dias(everyday en espanol)(PS- I have been having the suden urge the last few days to only speak spanish... it's quite cool... well, just anything but english...)

anyways, news you will care about...

I am coming this weekend so make no plans for saturday becuase I want see you all and I'm only coming sunday then leaving sunday... so it's my only day...

I'll call you all and tell you about my plans... maybe around 6...

anyways...

news you won't care about

- my dad came which is awesome...he makes the best food.
-I lost my camera battery charger so I won't be able to take pictures till i find it or by another one...
- peyton still hasn't come back to school.. been two weeks... I hope he's alright...
-and I only have two more weeks till every thing will start over again...

let me explain that...

I have about 5, 6 freinds... and NONE of us are going to the same place next year so there is a %5-%0 percent chance of me every seeing them again..within the next couple years...

ugbad- is going to somwhere in the middle east
hafsta- going to skyline
kayla- moving to ohio
amalie- going to community,
and then i have no clue where the rest are going... so this is my motivation to go to that boarding school in jordan...

anyways, this should be the time of my life but for some reason my heart feels heavy and i don't know why... i want it to be gone but i don't know what's cuasing it so...

okay, here's something I've been thinking a lot and...

I used to have these arguments with LM a lot but after they were over, we would always say sort of sum up what went wrong and say our lesson becuase we both knew true freinds never really break up, at least that's what we thought.... so they were always like life lessons, but after a while these annoyed me becuase... here, I'll tell you this quote from shakespehere which I actually said in my play and then I'll explain it but it's prettys easy...

"...Remember it's why things happen, but what actually happens that matters."

So basicully, it means stop looking for the meaning of things becuase it doesn't matter... or at least i think it doesn't... It's quite confusing becuase sometimes, meanings can help and others, like the meaning of life, people wonder THEIR whole lives what it is and instead just end up wasting it... but after i did that I just got all soo confused becuase I've sort of been trained to learn my lesson which are the meanings and now I;ve just confused my-self becuase I don't want to waste my time learning them, but at the same time, I feel I'm getting no where without them and this has just left me sooooo confused...

anyways... I haven't pictures in a long time, so i put those pictures up, and next, I put up a video playlist of all my favorites songs and videos... there's 73 of them so only listen to them if you have time... other than that...see you soon

hasta luego,

Raphire,

aka, you're freind in desguise...

uPDATE

2008-05-27T21:32:00.002-04:00

Weel,

just an uPDATE.

um...well, life's not horrible, but it's not great either but I am actually doing stuff so it's working a little better... and this summer i have BIG plans and nothing is going to get in my way okay? I'm coming to columbus sometime within the next 2-4...my mom wants to go RIGHT after my dad comes but we have exams that week so we don't know... anyways, my mom stressed, grandma still in black and still no food in the house(nothign big...)

bright side..

I am actually waking up earlier to go walk to school which is a big deal for me. I am working on waking up to see the sunrise... never saw it before and we have beautiful veiw from our deck...

i have been working on parkour and everything else harder than i have and i am REALLY committed to it and hope to master the basics this year...

still working on those applications to jordan which dont sound too bad right now...

by the way, did i mention i failed? that is something else that happened last week and it left me guilty all weekened... you know that people nice papers i was supposed to do... i didn't and i now i feel horrible about them... maybe i'lll ACTUALLY finish them this summer than e-mail it to everybody and those who i don't e-mail to, i will do something else with...

maybe... but i already screwed up and...

anyways............

that leaves me with a problem becuase i am afraid to talk to Mr. B to write something about my aplication if i can't get that done which is very reasonable and sounds very stupid..

anyways, cool project, i have to make a graphic novel for english and yes, i am still in school...

g2g...

Crash and Burn

2008-05-26T01:31:00.002-04:00

hola,

that's the name of one of my favorite songs which i used to hear when i thought I was alone and suicide was a frequent thought in my head...

by the way, did you know i am an emotional wreck?

Did you know I am a crazy lunatic?

look, here's a quick 5 questions for you about me...

My biggest secert-

I am a giant lunatic

My biggest fear-

That the world will find out and shun me.

My biggest wish-

I will one day either be able to just be that lunatic and not care about everyone shunning or be proven wrong, that they won't shun or maybe have someone break though this barrier of a wall i put up to keep the craziness in and out of sight so I won't be shunned. Most of all, someone to prove me wrong... that I won't be shunned, or laughed at, or called crazy or excetera and that someone will just accept...

how much of a lunatic are you?-

well, I talk to wind,

I constantly have a war in my head over whats right and wrong

I cry at movies when an animated character dies but not when my grandma who i had actually met and known and was close to died.

I think hitler had a point.

and that the world is going to hell
or at least, that's were we are headed

but i also believe that there is a way to help that...

I believe that you can fly

and i believe people should sleep on the grass
instead of beds

I don't see the reason for school being so long

or the social satuses

I want to walk barefoot EVERYWHERE

and I want to catwheel in the hallways

I want to wear all the red ribbons i can find in my hair

I want to run and not have to stop

I want to jump of a cliff

and I want to prick my fingers

I think emos are better people than jocks and preps...

they are even better than the rejects

I want to throw away the social cycle, but at the same, i get scared when i can't see..

I am the biggest hypocryte you will ever find

and i just insult people becuase i think it's good for them

I want to climb a telephone pole
and I want to talk nonsence all day

except its only nonsence to those who don't listen

I want to go back to the old days

when there was no tv

and if you wanted to make something, you had to make it yourself...

I want to go back to the days when everyone creative

and cars with global warming wasn't an issue...

I thing guns are the stupidest idea ever
and should be banned

I think that achohol should be banned
and forget the mooonshine
that will only go on till all the acoholics are dead

I want every tabacco plant destroyed
and the research about being able to go to mars stop

I want us to fix this plannet
and in a way,

I think i'm perfect, always right and the world should bow down to me when i know i'm wrong, a hypocryte and can't even do anything right...

that is only the part people have seen...

I think crazy stuff in my mind all the time which people call random but actuall wonder me..

like what does a fish think about in it's 3 seconds memory span

I mean, every 3 seconds, it changes it's mind, unless it just forgets what it was previously thinking and just thinks the same think... and how do they know they have kids when they only have a 3 second memory span?

and who invented door knobs

or ceilings

i mean, someone had to...

who thought of pillows...

it was after cleopatra becuase she slept on stone

and just random stuff like that...

stuff that people think is crazy, stupid and etc..

except mine is much worse

i wish i could climb onto the roof of some building
and i wish i could stop wishing and actually do something with my lazy butt

and did i mention the constant war i have in my mind?

did i mention that i never know what to do becuase i've heard SOOOOO many stories about each side and how each side had it's own story and i have no clue where i am or if i need a new story and who decides those things anyways?

and i heard this quote which made a little sence but in a way it doesn't...

"advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't."

and i can see where that makes sence but right now, i got a millions answers and i'm wishing i had none becuase then i might have a clue what to do and i don't know what answer to take becuase 5 of them are the right path i just don't know which path goes where

and i want everything

i want to be in every story possible
i want to be a pirate and a ninja

i want to be a popstar
and lead a double life

i want to dance on stage

i want to be the genius that solves the problem to alternate fuel
and go live in the hotel in space

OH !

did you know i have a dream of going to the moon... a reall big dream..'

did i mention i want to be the main character in every story imagined?

I want to have gone to hogwarts, but not only that but be harry potter or herminone except instead it would be ayat amin or even better, raphire becuase raphire is me, the person i wish was me

she looks just like me except for the fact that her hair is still long and it's easier to deal with and she is a pirate and the bravest girl you can ever imagine.. she can do flips and she's every thing i ever wanted to be except she's not real and in a way she is me but the reason she is not is becuase i'm ayat and that's all i'll ever be and did you know i am typing this very fast becuase i am frustrated and these words have been going on in my mind a MILLION times before and i always come to the same thing where i'M NOT RAPHIRE, I'M JUST AYAT, AND IF I WANT TO BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN HER, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO DO IT AS AYAT BUT IN A WAY I CAN'T, BECUASE IT'S SOO MUCH EASIER WITH RAPhire and i'm lazy and did you ever wonder the name of my blog was lost-in-raphire? it's becuase i'm always lost in this person i call raphire which is me, but the better me that i can never be unless i try but the thing is, she is in a way, my dream but i don't have a dream, i have a million dreams, so i have no clue what to do and that's why in reply to LM's comment, yea, i have to take things fast becuase i'm slow with time and yea, i know i'll my town but you have no idea how much I know of my town right now, i take the bus downtown, and most times i don't come home till 7 becuase I'm out there exploring and I'll never get down which leaves me sad becuase i have to move on and i am typing even faster becuase the music i am litening to is loud and fast and it is my favorite songs which i haven't listened to in A LONG TIME!! becuase i have been to FREAKIN busy to CARE!!

and i dont want this anymore..

i haven't wanted this in a long time

but then i tell myself well, my brother doesn't want asthma, now does he, but then i say, well your not your brother are you, this is different, and then i wonder if actually is and i wonder whether it's good to cry or if i should just suck it up becuase every thing is different for every person and if a problem is big for you, then cry but this problem isn't big compared to the people in africa but then again, i'm not them and they don't have my problems which i bet they would take any day over mine

and it just keeps going and i don't know what to do, where to go, what i am doing and i just want to run away...

leave this all behind

hoping it will all disappear

and do you know what my biggest dream, my biggest wish which i keep hoping, i KEEP HOPING, but did you also kknow i hate hope becuase it just crushed me EVERY SINGLE TIME!? and now i am crying becuase this is my heart or brain or whatever that i am pouring out and my mom is oblivious to this like she always is becuase she is in the same room but she is asleep in couch and yes, i am in the living room and did you know that my biggest dream is TO HAVE AN ADEVENTURE?

you can't tell but i typed that slowly and i am typing this slower but still pretty fast and my deepest wish that i wish with all my heart to come true and i have wished on every shooting star, ever first star i see at midnight, every dandlion i blow on, and i never told a soul becuase you aren't supposed and i told myself that it will happen when i was 14, i would have it when i was 14 and i also wished on every rabbit rabbit day for almost a year now and it still hasn't come true and i am really, REALLY, afraid that it wont ever come true becuase i jsut told and becuase i am such a horrible person and plus that i have already been 3, or whatever month past 14 and nothing has happened and that's why i have to go to all those places becuase that would be creating my adventure which is my biggest dream and that's why i HAVE to go to a boarding school becuase the girl in quaran host club did and so did harry potter and they both have stories about them and stories only come from adventures or journeys which i'm not having and i'm crying again, harder this time but still silent..

by the way, did you know my tears are always silent, so no one hear my silent screams for help? to help me with this... i keep giving out silent screams for someone to come free me from myself becuase i need to be freed and di you know that can also be an adventure? and i hate this...

i HATE IT!! HATE IT!! HATE IT!!

AND I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT i hate?

becuase i'm a spoiled brat and have nothing to hate

but myself for putting my stupid self into this situation and now i am crying even harder and you can ever start to hear my tears but every is still asleep and i can even barely hear them becuase i have the headphones on like 10 wihch is VERY VERY VERY loud for me and i have no clue why? becuase i am always so silent and that is jsut so loud and did you know for sometimes i dont talk for so long i forget the sound of my vioce or the fact that i dont really miss my dad in iraq and i dont know why becuase i was and am so close to him and the last song just finished and another started which is photgraph by nickleback and it talks about school and i think of central and i want to be there with you

and did you know i am typing my mind right now. just seconds after i think the thought and it would be faster except for my crappy typing skills and this song is about memories which always makes me cry becuase i am a horrible fool

i need help and i dont want a therapist.. i know they can help but that would meean having to tell my mom and grandma and they thing i am prefect... by that i mean a prefect imprefection which i used to have but i dont anymore becuase i am actually a horrible wreck and there is nothing prefect about being a imprefectly nrevous wreck and did you know i had these break downs and nobody's knows about them but you know becuase i am typing that everything that goes through my mind in one of my breakdowns and i might not post this becuase this would prove how pathetic i am which you dont need prove for and i.. i..

i ..im crying to hard to type..i can taste my tears

i one time read something, where this grandma told her granddaughter that tears taste like ice cream so every time the girl cried she would rememeber what her grandma said and taste her tears and imagine they were ice creams and what flavor they were but one time she got mad and said it didnt even taste like anything which was when everything was going wrong and she called her grandma a liar even though she was dead and didn't mean it... and i don't think my tears taste like ice cream and i dont even know why i was thinking that. and i would laugh at that stupid joke but i am too much of a wreck to do anything and god this is pathetic...

just end it...

i think you've had enough

this is how i am...true me, me when i am alone.. totally random thoughts that leave to silently pleading for help which of course never comes but i am still stupidly hoping that maybe it will except now, my pleas aren't so silent which makes me pathetic...

so through all that, can you hear my plea for help?

nvm

later..

enjoy

it 15 minutes past the time i ended my last breakdown.

that was monday and i wrote to myself on paper and called a good freind a horrible freind and it ended at 2...

sorry about that too... that freind, you know who you are, but i doubt you are readin that after what i said...

god im horrible

later

Rest of Nigara

2008-05-24T21:01:00.005-04:00

Nig= Nigara!

okay, that was crap but o well....

I didn't tell you about the last day of niagara but I guess it doesn't matter any more... Here are some pics...

Week Of Craziness

2008-05-24T12:34:00.003-04:00

hello fello homosapians(sp?),

sorry, I haven't written anything since monday which wasn't much...I haven't really had time.. This week has been sooooo crazy, and I reeeeeeeeeeally mean it. There have been like 50 million things happening... well maybe not 50 millinos... maybe more like 20, 30.. no eggageration to that...and just warning... I am going to end up telling you like all those 20, 30 things so this is going to be rrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeealllllllllly long...

okay, let me explain...

first, I'm sick.. like with a cold and couch and excertra. I've been sick all week. But my family has been soo busy and so have I that they didn't notice till friday...a whole week, and I've went to school all those days..That's how crazy... let me explain...

monday- we were all so tired from niagara, we came back at 11:30 after 10 hours of driving and just went straight to bed not even unpacking the car...that day after school was mostly to unpack and catch up on homework.

tuesday-my grandpa died..sorta... more like my grand uncle. But I didn't know him so it wasn't that big on me or my bro. But my grandma and mom took it hard. It was unexpected and he was very close and died while visiting or doing something in jordan. He died of some heart realated thing, bad heart or something which came as a shock becuase he had surgeory on that and it was supposed to have been better but what do you know? anyways, that whole tuesday was spent planning the funeral which made my mom tired becuase it was huge and she did the whole thing becuase she didn't want my grandma to worry. The uncle was her brother... that is like the 3 sibling of hers that has died within the last 3 years...I only knew on of them and didn't even cry which leaves me to another topic later...

wednesday-my bro was sick. See, I was also sick but since my bro has asthma and allergies, it was more serious and he had to come home early. The funeral was that day and so was my final dress rehearsal for my play which I NEEDED to go to and my mom got mad at me becuase my bro was sick and my uncle had died and I was going to a dress rehearsal and she didn't call it important and called me a little selfish. which I'l explain later why I HAD!! to go.

thrusday- my play which was great... she.. the reason why I had to go wednesday is becuase the play was crap and I was a main character. I'll explain this whole thing later becuase it's going to need 5 paragraphs or something...

friday- last day of school for you, and carreer day for me. I was the sickest on this day yet still went to school where a bunch of technical difculties made me worry all day about a bunch of projects which needed to be turned in. I just wanted to go home...

okay, that may not seem like much but it is. I only gave you the outline and the most important things that has happened...

See, during school monday, right before lunch, when I had started writing my last post?, someone set of a smoke bomb at school and then someone smelt it and pulled the alarm. 5 fire trucks came and we missed most of lunch. We spent an hour outside on the grass where I tried to sleep but it was windy(not that big of deal besides that fact that I was wearing a dress) and that people came up to me asking me if i was dead or okay... I told them okay.

then when we did go to lunch, I was called into the theater room to have an emergency meeting with mrs. Fuchuchi(sp?) about the play. See, the play was crap, as I said before. We had two days to go until opening night and no one was ready. The lights were crap, there was no scenery, no one really knew their lines or cues and everybody was talking while the people were on stage. We hadn't even gone through the whole play once non-stop. So this had left everyone in the play doubting that it could actually be done and almost wanting to cancel the play. So during lunch, that day, we had a group talk and decided that this play was too good to cancell and that we would work our hardest and actually put effort into this. That's why I had to be there wednesday becuase I was the main character and we needed all the work that we could get. And it worked. We had actually worked so hard and put it together that it actually worked. It was even better than the last play I did with the war. Remember how horrible that was? Yea, this one was going to be MUCH worse and in only 2 days, we put it together and made is MUCH better!! It was amazing and we were receiving compliments on it all day. My mom and grandpa and aunt who saw the play along with my baby cuz were also suprised becuase they didn't know I could act. My baby cuz, from what I was told, everytime that she saw me, she wanted to go onstage saying 'yeti, yeti, yeti!!(that's how she prounnounces my name...)" unfortunetly, I coudn't stay for the after party where they digned signatures and excetra becuase my mom had invited guests over at 9 and the play ended at 8:50...so I had to rush to leave which was a little disappointment to me becuase I didn't even get my 5 minutes of fame when I had worked hard all week and had been ignored all week. I ended up going to bed at 11:30 that night which I didn't mean to becuase I had this project that I was working on for friday and needed a computer and didn't have time to get on one till then. And I was so tired that I fell asleep while working on it, even in my dress which I had worn for the guests and my hair was wet which from the shower I had needed from all the stuff I had done thrusday(like walked 15 minutes to my freinds house, have her mom take me to the YMCA, where we were 30 minutes late for my dance class, and then after the dance class, pack up and go to starbucks 5 blocks down, walk another 5 blocks back to the YMCA, and then walk 7 blocks to the bus stations, then walk two blocks back to starbucks for a refill becuase the bus still wasn't there, then 2 more blocks to the bus station where I got on the bus to my house by myself and then got off at my stop and walked 10 minutes to my house. where I had like a 10 minute meal and then on my way to get ready for my last preformance at the play where it went on till 8:50( I got to school for the play at 6:45. The play started at 7:30. My parents came late to see me open the play.) where then you know the rest... So I was sick and late to school in the morning and hadn't saved my unfinished 'group' project homework right which lead to my group hating me and my project not being able to be turned in along with a lot of other technical dificulties where I was late to lunch...

that was just thrusday and friday. But the rest of the week was just as busy as that, if not busier. Wednesday, I had to walk home from school which took me an hour with my back-pack becuase there was no bus to take me home and no one to pick up so it took me an hour with my skateboard which I brough(didn't really stateboard though. My backpack was too heavy and the sidewalks suck.) anyways, my computer came back wednesday so that's what I'm typing on and that's what I was going my project on thrusday when I feel asleep. That's a good thing.

and tuesday I ended up walking to the library by school, taking the bus to downtown, walking to the library there and then taking the bus back to school...I ended going home at like 7. monday, I really wanted to post, but haven't had a computer to do it so I wrote in on the computer and I was really angry and wrote something reeeeeeeeeally long that I am not going to post now becuase it is like 5 pages front and back and I ended up staying up till 2 in the morning that day just writing that which I planned on posting but I insult someone in it so I'm not so sure...

Anyways, this whole week has been a bummer... Not the greatest but I feel so horrible.never mind.. it doesn't matter...

other facts-

peyton hasn't been at school for almost 2 months now,

i don't have school monday

my dad is coming next week which is stressing out my mom

I still have 3 weeeks of school including finals which I reeeeeeaallly have to pass math

the other house is still being remodeled

we tested roller coasters on monday, the day I came back from niagara.

and there are many, MANY! more but I wont toture you with them...

have fun reading all this

Can't Talk

2008-05-19T12:14:00.002-04:00

I <3 NG

That's what my hoodie says... That's right I have a hoodie

sorry... g2g...

I'll explain later...

ps- I just came back from a fire drill, the first line up to the hoodie is when the fire alarm rang.

pss- did you know ps stands for postscript... I found that in treasure island which I am reading....

okay reallllllly have to go, will explain A LOT!!! later

love with all my heart and more,

raphire...

New York so far...(awesome!!)

2008-05-16T22:33:00.003-04:00

Cherrio!
-british people's hello(I think... )

WARNING:
l-o-n-g

okay, first, a reply to Lm's comment. Really? Nothing farther than illinios... I have been from coast to coast but that was at different times...I guess it's kinda in my blood though. Both my parents travel a lot and when my mom was little, she used to travel a lot too becuase her dad(my grandpa) was like an international business man( he started a bank(not so sure... maybe?), the kuwait bank, and he owned a franchise of them. my mom had a comercial for them based about her... pretty cool huh? she used to sing the song as a lully-by to me to get me to sleep when I was a baby... and now..) and my dad, before he was in the army, was in an pro volley-ball team for Iraq, I think, so he traveled all over the middle east with his team when he was in his twenties. It's pretty cool, actually. My dad's team actually came close to winning the nationals but lost by like on point.(You know how in the movies(the sport ones), they always have that team who the main character is on win, but it's like a reeeeeally close win. Well, think about the other team who lost by like one point? One point away from their dream, from being the best? That was my dad's team. I mean, they played great, but in the end, it was the winner team who won by one point who would be remembered most. kinda sad but I think its really neat, actually.. I don't know if he would have still been my dad if he had won the nationals.. he might have never have met my mom....)

Anyways, my point from all that crap is that traveling is in my blood, especially my moms. So I kinda take traveling for granted, but on the dull side, I do miss a lot of things at school. Like today, if I had stayed in Ann Arbor, I would have not gotten home till 9. That's busy my day would have been. I would have had a math reveiw, worked on roller coasters, then after school, I had a full dress rehearsal for my play, and then a fun night which is basicully a dance. Actually, I have never been to a fun night or like a fun night becuase I am always traveling on the days they have them... kinda ironic...

Anyways, update... first, I didn't tell you about my plan but I'll first tell you about reality.
1-we are building roller coasters this week(our rock!!(just a little note)) and you know the material we used to build roller coasters there? Well, we were supposed to make a loop out of boxes and cardboard and that was like their main material. So, from experience with roller coasters, I went out and bought the material we used, just two of them for like 4 bucks and came to school and everyone thought I was a genius. I did nothing... Just got the materiall. Everyone loved it and kept asking if they could have some for their loop becuase it's easier to make loops out of that than cardboard...

2-peyton hasn't been to school all may...just a little note... still with the jaw, I guess...

3- my play is next week(It think I told you that already?)

4-I might come for your graduation, next week.. depends on the day it is... If it's friday, than most likely not, if it's saturday, I have a good chance...

okay, I think that's it...

now for that plan I wastaking about...

first!!

IT'S WONDERFUL!! the best idea I could have ever come up with...

okay, so it basicully goes like this...

14-
boarding school
parkour
self

summer of 16-
cross country road trip
make road trip book
(I am thinking of taking you guys with me, since you have never really been to many states and this trip is going everywhere(except alaska and hawaii...well, maybe alaska....idk...mostly likely not...)

summer of 18-
finish school early(take more credicts so can skip last semester) and spend summer back-backing in Europe with money from Cd's I get when I'm 18. I will back-pack through Europe and parts of Asia and have the grandest adventure ever!!( I will only live off my back-pack(which will have money!!)) Ugbad is thinking of coming with me on this one becuase she has always wanted to do this and has the resources...

summer of 21-

do the girlmore girls 21 list except in las vegas and veto the achohol.

The numbers, if you haven't guessed already, are the age I am..The first on is from 14 till the summer of 16. All that time, I have to conquer my fear of trust(which I have something to tell you about...),conquer myself, learn parkour and piano, learn another language(a fourth(japanese!!)),find a job, finish my books collection(I'll explain some other time.. They are a whole other idea that need their own post...) and get into boarding school....

Summer of 16 I am taking an american coast to coast road trip, but I will have to start saving now with a job(library?) becuase I will have to pay with all my own money...I will also make a road trip book from that experience and many others...

the rest is pretty self explanitory...

How's that sound!! wont that be amazing?! Especially the one when I'm 18!! If I actually do all that stuff, I will have finished like half of whats on my things to do before I die...Some is sounds crazy but I asked my mom and she said yes to everything but the Europe one. She only said no to it becuase my original plan was to not go to college that year and only go back-packing but she said I shouldn't waste my year and should just spend the summer doing that. So I comrpromised with the finish high school early plan to give me more time!! but still, this plan... god, if I can acomplish it, will be amazing.. right now though, I got to focus on the 14 list... I got a pretty good way to do everything on that list though...

that is the plan... big, but my dream.., I finally have a dream!! I've never had a dream before besides moving to michigan and that was my mom's!! this is my dream!! well actually, I did. It was to have an adventure, a huge one, like in the books, and I finally found a way to make it happen...

okay, now that you know the plan, I suppose you want to know about New York...

well first, I am not in New York City. I am in buffalo NY which is next to rochester, and niagara falls which I went to see today and am going to get wet by it, tommorrow(going to tightrope it...(jk!!)).

So I'll start at the morning... left home at 7, slept in car till 9, was in ohio when woke up. ohio kinda boring...drove through cleveland(been before) and then to pennsylivania(sp?). PA was AWESOME!! We stopped by Lake Eerie at around 12 and went on this thing called something in french which means an almost island(it is a veeeeeery small pennisula but big enough for cars and stuff). We went on the pennisula which had a beach and this one lighthouse concrete brdige.. I call it a concrete bridge becuase I don't really know what it was but it takes you like out into that water...hard to explain...but here's the cool thing about Lake Eerie...it was clean. being out next to the light house, that deep in the water, I saw no trash.. zip.It was a pure green color( green might sound ucky but it was beautiful!!)
and I found two rocks. I made a wish with one and keep the other as a suviner(sp?). that was next to the lighthouse... now the beach was beautiful and I learned something about my mom... She used to live on the beach, just like the one we went to. Okay, if you never been to an ocean beach, then you wouldn't know the differece between that and artificial beachs like the one on the lake that was by my house(tipton lake beach?). IT was pure sand with reall rocks and it isn't like a river beach either. I've been on the beach by that big river and it is not the same... totall different!! one, these beachs have waves, two, they don't have as many shells and three, the sand is beautiful. The waves were cold and there were rocks on the shore, these little pebble rocks, beatiful rocks, and flat rocks prefect for skipping. Unfortunely, none of us could skip but we tried. We ended up staying 2 hours(our original plan was one) and ended up late but it was worth it. We found a bunch of rocks and put them in a back to take home to put in a jar for reminder and me and my bro digged a huge hole, then put a wall around it with the sand and called it a sand castle(I think I might get to cross off the build a fully functionable sand castle off my list... maybe...(Hey! it fit both me and my bro...I took a pic but can't upload it)) Anyways, the beach was amazing and we rolled up our pants and ran along the shore. Perfect picture family moment which we have kinda lot.. our faimly is close... and my mom has the tendency to make moments like those out of anything...

then at 3, we got back on our way to NY(we had 3 hours left and had been driving for 5(I forgot that we stopped somwhere in ohio next to the PA border to eat subway and get gas...)) we drove the rest till we got to niagara falls at 5 where we met our freinds who was having the graduation and saw niagara falls but was too late to go on the maid of the mist which is a boat that takes you under? niagara falls( i think.. you go along it or something and get wet..) We are going on it tommorrow. Then we had a picinic in the park by niagara with the family we met and it was wonderful. Great day, green grass, lots of people, next to niagara falls(sorta. You could see it but we weren't right next to it.. like a short walk to (30 secs?)). After the picinic(which was just some snacks(like crackers and chesse)) the family left and my mom and I took my brother to the hard rock cafe for the first time. I got to see Jimi Hendrix's original guitar and the waitress there was reeeeeeeally nice.. We gave her a big tip and a thank you note becuase she was sooo good... and then we came to the hotel, explored a little, found the fitness room and excerera and here I am, using the hotel computer to tell you all this...

wow... what a day...

a lot of little things happened in between but that was it overall...

I'm having a lot of fun and I hope you guys are too.

one last thing. Here's sort off a challenge thing. I've tried it before and there is no trick to it. I'll explain what it means in my next post or so..

just go anywhere and close your eyes and just walk. simple as that. Go as far as you can, no peaking and trying not to crash into anything. You can do this in an open feild, or closet. I've tried in both and will tell you about it later...

love,

Raphire

PS-A cool thing about going from state to state is when you see the sign 'Welcome to 'Wherever'' there is of course a sign on the opposite side of the highway saying 'Welcome to 'Whatever state you just left''. Well, in between those two signs is like maybe 10 yards of space? Where are you during those ten yards? not in either state. Me and my bro call it the little black line in between the states.. we love the line... try it next time... it's really cool and it does exist .

New York

2008-05-15T19:38:00.001-04:00

Shortie,

Going to New York.

Won't have no internet.

Found my symbol.
...And I got a plan.

All I can say,

Later,

Raphire

Saving Me

2008-05-13T18:15:00.003-04:00

Can't you see my pain
can't you see I'm suffering?
I need somebody
somebody to save me from...

from me...

Can't you see my pain?
No, I guess not...

I put up a wall first
but I never saw
never knew it was there
thought you could see me
but it was really just the wall...

but I still need somebody
somebody to save me...
save me from myself

a thought I had from a long time ago.. It keeps coming up..

Through

2008-05-13T09:04:00.000-04:00

I can't take this anymore...

Bye-

Raphire

New Me

2008-05-11T22:21:00.001-04:00

I am remaking me...

right now, you wouldn't reconize me.

later, I'll be someone comepletly different.

Question is, will you still be with me?

Arabic Wedding

2008-05-11T00:27:00.002-04:00

Welcome planet Mars,

wait! I'm not on Mars!!

Okay, so about my last post, well. It wasn't really a post. It was for English and I didn't have my jump drive and needed a way I could get it at school so I can print it. It was an opinion essay on if humans should go to Mars... You can just ignore it.

Anyways, today I went to an Arabic wedding. Arabic weddings are NOTHING!! like catholic or english or christian or whatever type of wedding those are. One, there is no church. It's at a hotel or something. Two, the dancing... OMG. If there is ever a time I am going to say that, its now. I am not saying its dirty dancing or anything. Its like awesome becuase it's really not hard and anybody can dance that way. And the music gets you moving. Like you know how at black churchs, everyone is jumping and screaming hallela and whatever and its all just fun and vibrant. That's how arabic dancing and music is. You just can't help but dance to it, unless you have no soul. Reming me one day to teach you how to dance arabic. It's really easy, even I can do it and you know my coordination. Just to let you know, my wedding is defiantly going to be arabic, even if I still don't know how all the traditions work. But that's the only type of wedding I know. I mean, I haven't even been in a church except for my christian freind's grandma's funeral. I mean, I'm sure its nice and all. Actually, I would have to say arabic churches(mosques) are quite boring but the weddings are fun. And I would have to say black chruches are the most fun... What's fun about christin's? bibble studies or the chruch meetings? I don't know. But either way, the wedding was awesome. At the first, I was really bored becuase at the begining you have to go greet everyone and I dont really know anyone so I dont really like that part plus in arabic when you great someone you have to kiss the one the cheek, then the other and then depending on the person, the other third cheek or just stop. That is for girls to girl. Any girl to a guy just shakes hands unless its guy guy which means they hug? I think... Im not a guy so it doesn't really matter...

But what is really awesome are the dance moves. I mean the girls got moves( not dirty ones) and they guys got some moves too. I mean, its mostly shaking of hips and legs and just swaying except more intence with a whole lot more hand movement. I know that sounds weird but I'll show you. But there are also some hard dance moves which of course, i can't do becuase it requires major fexilabilty. But anyone can really dance. It's doesn't really matter.

Anyways,

news about here...i got my hair cut today with side bangs and layered... it kinda looks like Rihanna's hair when it was short, except not really.. I would take a picture and show you but...
1-i dont want to put my pic online
2- my computer is having a veeeeeeery hard time turning on. Yea, my computer is starting to mal-funtion and when I click the power button, the lights turn on, but the screen doesn't so I can't do anything. If you can keep trying or wait or something, it might but not always. So when I do get my computer to turn on, most of my time is going to be spent backing up my files. By the way, did you know i have 145 albums filled with about 50 pictures each? plus or minus. So it's going to take a reaally long time for me to back-up all those albums but I'm working on it. So, I am not going to be able to post as often as I would like becuase of that. Right now, I am at my uncles house with his computer so that's why I can get online....um.. what else... oh! next weekend, my fam is taking a road trip to new york for my mom's goddaugher's graduation. Aka, my mom close freinds daughter's graduation... Ironically, my mom still can't say her name right...

um.. In sceince, this week is roller coasters and peyton hasn't been at school for two weeks except for one day for like one hour...um...I have a D+ in math which is good, or better... it's passing. My mom said no to the job for jordan but they still want her so we still dont know..I am still trying for that school in jordan and my dad is coming on june 15, aka, a month. its been 7/8 months... im really anixous becuase we dont know what he will think about in ann arbor. See, columbus he had to stay home all the time becuase he didn't really know anyone. he is really religous and only really goes out for the mosque. In ann arbor, deaborn is near-by which has a mosque. When we used to drive here, he would always be out till mid-night at the mosque with his freinds. What they do there, I have no clue but it has something to do with god and etc, etc... or maybe it doesn't... well at least he doesn't drink...
what else...oh! ugbad and hafsa talked me into taking this dance class at the YMCA so I am and it's really fun. It's a jazz/hip-hop and its really cool. Heres something that's really cool about. The songs we listen to is by a band that is really good but not that famous. It's the band acceptance and the song we are dancing to in class is called...take something...take down maybe? anyways, check them out. They are awesome, kinda like dashboard confessions which are also awesome...

anyways, I have to go, in case I can't get on for the rest of the week, happy graduation(that's this week right?) and that's all...

oh! last thing. My play is in like two weeks.. can't wait... and I am probably still going to come down to columbus sometime, just don't know when...

that's all folks,

raphire

ps-the ending is from bugs bunny in case you've grown up too fast and forgotten those childhood memories of saturday cartoons.

Manned mission to MArs-

2008-05-08T22:00:00.000-04:00

"We are so busy looking for life in space, that we don't notice the life on Earth"
-anonymous

I found that quote by accident but it really struck me. Here we are, people on Earth, having all these problems, problems so big that not only are we killing humans, but other animals are dying too, and we are looking for another planet to 'contribute' our success to? That's crazy. Humans can't even handle life on one planet, let alone two. When humans successfully learn to live in peace without war, racism or drugs on earth, maybe then we should go to Mars. But until that day comes, which I doubt will happen anytime soon, humans should stick to earth.

People want human life on Mars when we can't even live in peace on Earth? Imagine what would happen to Mars. Just look at the wars we are causing. How many wars have humans ever had in whole history of mankind? I'd say 100? We've had wars that lasted over a hundred years. A hundred. And what were these wars over? Land, money, or people! People! Up until just 50 years ago, all people weren't equal. And still, we have racism everywhere. The place with probably the least racism is America and that is only because of Martin Luther King. But even with Martin Luther King, there are still people in the US who discriminate against blacks. But it is not only blacks anymore, but is Arabs too. After terrorist attack on 9/11, Arabs have never been treated the same again. If humans can't even get along on earth, with their own species, imagine what will happen if we find extra-terrestials, or in simpler words, aliens? How are we going to get along with them if we can't even get along with ourselves?

If racism was the only problem, maybe life on mars wouldn't seem so crazy, but racism is only one of the many problems on earth. I would say the biggest is war. Humans were supposedly supposed to have evolved for violence but right now, right this second, there is at least 2 wars going on. That doesn't make any sense. A race that is supposed to have evolved from war has two wars going on at the same time! That is not evolving. In fact, I'm saying, humans are working backwards! They are devolving. Humans are trying to stop war, yet here we have countries trying to great bigger better weapons, to defeat the other weapons that already kill and hurt thousands. So much for peace. And not only that, but the people who are running the countries, are the people who are actually the worst people in the world. Those are the ones who are declaring the war, but the innocents are who are dying. "When the rich wage war, its the poor who die." The world still has no consideration for each other. I mean, just look at how we treat our planet. It's horrible. And that's the main reason we want to go to mars. Because humans have destroyed mother earth and if we don't do something quick, earth will die killing all humans with it. The only reason humans want to go to mars is because we don't like earth anymore. We've destroyed it and now it coming back to hunt us so we are trying to run away instead of facing our mistakes and their consequences. Just destroying stuff than running away is not the way humans should behave and there is no way humans should even consider going to mars with that behavior. It is not even a real reason to go to mars.

If that wasn't enough, humans have even more reasons not to go to mars. They aren't ready. I said before the Humans don't have the right behavior because they always run away. Well, they also don't have the right attitude. Humans are naive and think they are best but look at how we are destroying things. That doesn't seem like best to me. Humans are also obsessed about material things like money, cars, and jewelry. Humans put a value on those things and now humans think that value is worth more than anything. Humans have obscured the value of those materials to be more than they actually are and now lives are worth more than them? Lives! The attitude humans take about those objects are childish, immature and completely unreasonable. If an object doesn't have a value, we throw is away. Only objects of high value are important and those without a high value, are of no importance so we throw them away. And who decides those decisions? Humans. And now, humans have put a low value on Earth and a high value on Mars. That is not reasonable and shouldn't be fulfilled.

As you can tell, humans have a lot of reasons not to go to Mars and very few horrible reason to go to Mars. If you count up what actually matters, and what doesn't, Mars ends up not mattering, and Earth does. So instead of trying to run away to someplace else, try fixing the mistake we made on Earth and maybe we won't want to run away. Maybe if humans get their act together, and clean up the Earth that we destroyed, maybe then we there won't be any reason to go Mars. Earth is our home planet and it has been that way for millions of years. Now, because of our values and our attitudes we think Earth is good enough anymore which isn't true. Mars is just the back-up and that's all that it will ever be. Earth is our home planet and that's the way it should stay.

I'm not prefect, but there's nothing wrong with me either?

2008-05-06T22:39:00.002-04:00

"I'll never know my wits end if I hit my shins with it."

"Touchstone, that doesn't make any sence"

-touchstone and celia...

that is a line from my play, and they tittle is something that I meant to include in my last post, but didn't. Anyways, I know I'm not prefect, yet sometimes people say there is nothing wrong with me and that makes me sooo angry becuase it just proves how much people know about the real me becuase they can't see how full of flaws I am. I probably have more flaws than you, and the worse part is, I made them all myself. Life didn't just hand them over to me. I brought them upon me. Thats the really sad part. Anyways, before I contunie to complain about whatever topic my complaining would go under, I just want to give you an update on my life...

one-I'm going to a wedding(sp?) this saturday so Friday or saturday, I am going to get my hair cut into layers(or restyled. I'll let you know if I change it to anything else) and after the wedding(still sp?) on sunday, I am going to put hena in my hair and it is going to have red higlights. And if there is some leftover, I might give myself a temporary tattoo with my symbol which I still don't know( but I got to find it!!)

2-I am going to dance class thursday. Jazz or something....I didn't go at first becuase I never had a thing for jazz but my freinds tried it, loved it and said i should come so I'm coming...

3-I have a half day tommorrow(dont know what that has to do with anything. It more just to remind myself....)

4-we are building the roller coasters in sceince...ours is going to be carnival themed and have a windmill... pretty neat huh. but, I want to find the pictures me and karina took of the roller coasters and show them to the class...

5-did I tell you that my drama teacher got into a car accident becuase of her mental state? she was sober, it was daylight, and she hit a tree....anyways, she was gone for a week and preformance is in like 2 weeks so I have to work extra hard cuase of that week we missed(the sub didnt go too well...)

6-did I tell you peyton broke his jaw... a week ago... he hasn't been to school since, well, no, he has, just for like 1st period though. But he has a new jaw though and he apprently lost a tooth. Im just trying to imagine how that will work out becuase he talks alot andI dont know how much he can talk with a fake jaw...

anyways...

7-next friday, I am going to new york for a graduation(my mom godchild so like my godsister?) anyways, I am missing school friday but guess what that friday happens to be? The last fun night of the school year. Fun nights are what they call the school dances plus some. There are games, ddr, and that night there is going to be a free dj and the pool will be open. And I wont be there...you know I haven't been to a school dance yet, that wasn't during school. And ironically, it is all becuase I am always traveling and the nights I am there, I didnt know about it and my mom is too lazy to take me.... so nada...kinda sad but o well...

I think thats it...oh..our house being remodeled is almost finished. still a month or two but we ordered all the stuff and did all the work we were supposed to( i think) and now its all just putting the stuff we bought in place... its going to be an awesome house...

ps- did I mention that my dad is coming in june...I haven't seen him since october which is a record becuase he is supposed to come every 6 months and march was the 6th month...but he's coming, 3 months later but here none-the-less. God, i miss him. I wonder what he will think of ann arbor... he has always liked this place...I think its going to be great and this summer will be great too...

anyways, its 11 and I still have like 5 more math problems so toodles!

tooddles,

Raphire

Ps-I can see the sunset from here, what about you? If you can too, then I guess we aren't that far apart after all...(remember the outsiders)

Lucky

2008-05-04T21:13:00.003-04:00

"How many legs you got?"
"Two"
"Then I'd consider you pretty damn lucky"

-Don't remember(or me...?)

You know, most times, I forget how lucky I am. I mean, I have it all, seriously. I have nothing to complain about. Nothing at all. So I don't have a freaking clue why I think I have problems. My parents aren't divroced, I live next to family, I am not mentally or physically disables, I have the strongest imune system in my family, I get the sick the least, I am smart and get things easily, I am not fat, I can exercise. I don't have a high blood pressure or a low blood pressure or bad blood or a bad heart, I have two funtionable feet, two useable, arms with all their fingers, My parents aren't drug addicts and don't abuse, and they spoil me and take me traveling and I am a bitch.Sorry, but if there is anyone I am going to call that, it's me. I am a spoiled bitch.(by the way karina, I cuss in my head all the time too but I never say it...I have words waaay worse than bitch going through my head in 3 different languages...you a good person...)

And an idiot...I am a complete stupid idiot. I am not even aniti-social or don't have a sence of humor where I can't laugh. I am just a spoiled brat. And here's a secert...Sometimes, I wish something would go wrong just so I can have a reason for saying life is tough. But no, I'm 'prefect" which I always hate becuase I'm not and I hate that when I say something bad about myself, people critizize me becuase they say I am making things difficult and making life worse when I actually have it good. Which is the point becuase being happy all the time sucks...And being 'prefect' all the time sucks too. Sometimes, I just wish something was wrong with me so I can have something to complain about, so I can experience pain. Than this no good prefect life I got. The worse thing in my life is that I that my dad is in the military and that I have never had a DIRECT grandpa.Now why do I say DIRECT grandpa? Becuase I even have grandpas. My family is so close, so happy be gone close, that I know my grandmas brothers and their cousins and etc. I mean, besides having to share a room with my bro(which actually just makes my family closer) and not even that is bad. There are loads of kids who share rooms with their siblings and they aren't even as lucky as me to get the master suite and a bookshelf between them...

So yeah, Here I am being a spoiled brat complaining about having nothing to complain about. How much more of a loser can I be. And you might ask, well, I wish I was prefect, or what is she complaining about? She has a great life, just be happy. Well, its suck having no excuse to be any other emotion. the only reason I would get mad is because my mom wouldn't let me go to the movies...WEll boo-hoo..Right?! So I must be freaking happy all the time...

God...It would just be soo much easier if I could have some miniscules reason giving a reason to call me messed up.

Anyways, I know I should be happy all the time, but I'm not. Actually, I don't know why, but when I am with my mom, most times I'm angry. I guess it's becuase sometimes I feel she gives me too much responsiblities and sometimes I just want some of them gone but that would mean I would be a lazy child. But whats not fair is that my bro has none of these responsibilities. But then again, I have more perks...

anyways.. I am making a new resolution to be happy, but not fake happy, really happy... and the reason Im not so happy with my mom is that she doesn't reallly know the real me becuase I dont tell her the real me or my dad or my bro or anyone really becuase they would think I am crazy... Anyways g2g.

Prefection sucks

Guess WHAT?!>!>

2008-05-01T18:50:00.003-04:00

IT'S RABBIT RABBIT DAY!!!

rabbit, rabbit days are awsome!!

you have no idea, how awsome RABBIT RABBIT DAYS are!!

okay, so what is rabbit, rabbit? well, rabbit rabbit day is the first day
of every month. what you do is scream out RABBIT RABBIT!! and then make a silent
wish. if you do this for all 12 months of the year, your wish will come true!!
but you have to make the same wish for the WHOLE year and it you can only scream
it on the 1st of the month, ONLY!!!and you will NEVER guesss how me and my bro
found out about RABBIT RABBIT DAY... actually, my bro's the one who told me
about it. we had a day off, like today, and we were watching pbs becuase thats
the only good channel we had( lame i know but what could i do? i was like 9). we
were watching clifford! and the theme for the day was RABBIT RABBIT DAY!!
stupid, i know, but it works so now, whenever its RABBIT RABBIT DAY, we tell
each other and we both scream out RABBIT RABBIT and make our wish!!

RABBIT RABBIT!!

CLOSE YOUR EYES AND MAKE A WISH!!

Guess WHAT?!>!>

2008-05-01T18:50:00.001-04:00

Windy Words

2008-04-29T19:49:00.002-04:00

If it blows, don't fight it, flow with it!

I just came up with that right now, but there is something that came back to me and I wanted to tell you. It's a secert of mine buts it not one that I kept becuase it was personal... well it is but not so much that I wouldn't tell anyone. The only reason I kept it becuase most people think its impossible and that I am crazy for saying that I have tried and suceeded.. but you guys are different. If you still think I crazy, well no big. If you stop being my freind over it, then big big....

So here it is...

I talk to the wind... and sometimes the grass and the trees and the river... I haven't really tried talking to trees much, its harder and some aren't that nice but I bet if I had the time and they were listening, I could... I talked to one on my way to the YMCA. He's 16 and likes this other tree which is 15 and she is beautiful... has flowers everywhere... kinda a girlly girl. But he's the kind of tree that's scared to make a move... plus he has some competition. There is this other tree that is strong and is 15 near-by but I don't think he has a chance... he's really cocky and thinks he too great. On the other hand, the tree I talked to is smart, he is strong but doesn't show it off, is humble and really sincere. He really likes the other tree. I don't know if she shallow or actually really kind and pretty yet, I haven't talked to her. But on my way back, I talked to him and he said he talked to her and she laughed which I thought was nice...

And then theres the grass... grass is harder to talk to becuase you don't really talk to it. See grass, when it's awake, likes to dance and is often dancing... so if you want to talk to the grass you either need to do it at night when they are sleep and you need to whisper to them like dreams. That one is tricky becuase sometimes the grass doesn't sleep and stays dancing in the moonlight. The other one is to dance with them. Dancing with them is kinda like play along with their music...it's how they talk... I haven't really had a chance to dance with them for a looong time but I have danced with them...it was a long time ago...The thing about grass is that they die every year and they know they do, so they are almost dancing all the time... except on new moons...(which is once or twice a month). That is the one day they are garrented to sleep. And in the winter, they die... no that's a lie... they freeze into a permanante dance... the thing about grass is that you shouldn't step on it with your shoes unless your dance... never stomp on grass... if you want to kill grass, stomp on it with shoes for no reason...If you step lightly, they don't really mind but not stomping... runnning is nice too... it realy just depends on the grass....

and then there are rocks which I don't talk to much becuase they are rather boring and slow and never go anywhere so they never really say anything. But the rocks I do like to talk to are the reeeeeeeeeally big ones, or the pointy ones... See the big ones, they can see everything and they know almost everything. IF you talk to them you can learn something knew almost everytime. Plus they are really fun to talk to...
and then there are the pointy ones...I like the pointy ones.. they are the rebels... the don't follow the rock 'code' and be round and dull like the rest of them... most of them are really hyper which annoys the rocks becuase they like boring...but pointy rocks, you have to be careful becuase they are not too big on saftey or brains and might hurt you...other than that, they are really fun to talk to...and not all round rocks are boring...I guess it just depends...

Then there is the brook. The brook goes through my secert place so I talk to it often. Its really nice... its a year younger than me, 13, and knows a lot but is still learning. A real nice freind. We have a lot in common. The brook is a little tainted and has some mistakes but its really great for talking to, kinda like talking to a smart 7th grader...

Then there is the one I have known the longest and that I can really trust, the wind...If there is anything I talk to the most, it's the wind...I guess becuase it moves with me... The wind, I kinda conider god... let me get this straight... I dont worship the wind( although sometimes we joke that its so awesome that I should...) or think that it created the universe...Okay, warning, here comes another secert that I mostly keep to myself becuase people will think I crazy if I told them...I don't really believe in god...I mean, I believe there is one but I dont believe in praying to him, or that he decides whether I go to heaven or hell(if there is even a heaven or hell) or that he started alll. I think of god as more of an imaginary freinds that happened to get famous and knows everyone. And he's been around for a loooooooong time..So people kinda got the idea that it created the world and controls it and everything... but its really all a lie... but since he's been here so long(yea it's a he...) he actuallys knows a lot so has been able to answer some prayers or questions and he is actually very smart... but he is very small... and very wise... kinda like a playful child... heres a secert about god... he loves jokes... hes a comedian...and he's very fun to talk to... kinda like the brook except even more wiser and even more childish...I talk to him mostly in the form of a wind, except when he's the wind he is serious boy doing doing some work for Mother Earth. He cleaning all the leaves and dirt and erosion and everything... So he is very serious when he's the wind so he isn't veyr playfull but still all the fun to talk to...I talk to him almost all the time... but only when he's not that serious... see, if he is busy getting ready for a storm or something, I can't talk to him becuase he too much into business... and sometimes its not even him... hes not always the wind... see, there are lots of other people(maybe people is the wrong word...) who have the job of the wind. God is just one of those people...I know it sound strange saying god has a job, of being the wind but I thought of changing his name but it didn't seem right. Even if you don't like your name, after 5,000 years, you kinda grow into and anything else just seems strange... anyways, whens he very light duty, like just to move some leave away from the brook, then he stops and talks and sometimes he walks and I help...He sometimes warns me on how things are going to turn out, in life and all... whether the day is going to be good or bad etc... Sometimes he's wrong but most times he's right..It's not like he's phykic or anything, he just has had a lot of experience and is telling me what his gut is telling him... And sometimes his gut is wrong but I dont blame him...

Anyways, thats my secert and if you haven't tried talking to earth yet, well then your missing out. If you think I'm crazy, becuase those things don't talk, think again... They are living, they breathe, they have been here longer than I ever will and just becuase you don't have a mouth doesn't mean you can't talk. I mean people talk with their pets all the time and they don't speak human...'but they make sounds and have mouths...' welll if you listen, the brook makes sounds too, the pebbles, the trees, the wind....

they all make sounds.. maybe they are whispering to you, telling you to talk to them... for all you know, they might be lonely... I know a lot of the girl trees here are shy, I don't know why though... they are very pretty...

Listening to Whispers,

Raphire

PS- I have never worked harder in my life for so many thing, school, my trips in the summer, my new home, the new me, the world around me.... I am so tired but it is soo worth it... Its not like I'm miserable...

Rain Clears Away Everything

2008-04-28T17:28:00.004-04:00

Rain, Rain, Go Away

I feel a little sad today... I didn't have my camera at school and there were like a million pictures i could have taken...

see, friday, i found this beautiful red flower in the hallway on the floor so i picked it up and put it on my locker, in one of those slots where you can slip in letters.... and it was beautifull...seeing all the rows of lockers, just dull and old and then seeing that beautiful flowers... then i came back monday and there was the flower still there... which i thought was amazing becuase it had wilted but it was even more beautiful... and there it stayed... then some of my classes came and went and then this jerk boy took down the flower and destoyed but, so it was stepped on in the halls but the amazing thing was, it was still beautiful, even though it was wilted, stepped one, torn apart, and in the midest of a hallway filled wiht litter.... and it still managed to be beautiful... and that just made me really happy... i would have to say that is my favorite flower.... i dont even know its name... but i think its better that way. becuase when you know the name of something, you own, it controls you. when someone calls your name, its like a spell and you have to reply... and once you know the name of an object, it suddenly loses it beauty... thats why i hate that parents pick your name... its like they control you? which i hate... if you haven't already figured this out about me, but i hate anyone controllling anything that isn't theres... its their life, so let them control is....

" it's you life, are you who you want to me...?"

and I'm just wondering but do you really get what im saying or is it just words that you are just reading to represent my life... becuase i want me words to mean something, not just crap...like... that flower..it was soo beautiful that it make me a little sad that i couldn't have captured that beauty and shared it... but i guess that if i had captured it, i would have trapped it in a cage... or maybe i was doing the opposite... maybe i was just realeasing it's beauty... keeping it forever in time... although forever is a long time...

you know if I had the chioce to live forever, i wouldn't... never ever ever in a long time.... if i could even go back in time and change my actions, i wouldn't... i have no regrets and I'm planning on living the rest of my life like that... no regrets and just being me...

hey, heres something i kinda obsess about. Normal and different... especiallly with people. Don't you ever notice how most people want to be normal... what is normal...

I tell you what normal is... normal is perfect... normal is this image that the world made up of the prefect family... a family of 4 with a daughter and brother.... brother plays football, daughter is a cheerleader. Both smart, dont do drugs... mom and dad are cool but not too cool... have jobs that make nice money and the family can travel everywhere... and they are all white... sound about right? something like that right?

well its a lie... there is not a family in the world like that... a normal family is a family with problems... a normal person is a person who isn't perfect... who has made msitakes, who has been lonely who ... you get my point... and normal, is being differnt...

anyways, i got to go.. i was just a little bummed about not having my camera... i hate it when i see the prefect picture but have no camera...

Rain cleans Away everything,

Raphire

PS- have you ever noticed how things are always newer, clearner after it rains? Like the sun shine nicer and the sky doesn't seem so polluted...

think about it...

what's it?

you decide...

Rain Cleans All Away

2008-04-28T17:20:00.003-04:00

rain, rain go away...

Do you know what Lm... SHUT UP!! okay... I've wanted to say that fooor sooooo long....

and MS, remeber what you said about if you spoke your mind, you wouldnt be the little angel you are? well im the same... I am having major cus words going through my head right now and do you know what, I want them gone...I hate this world for doing this, this stupid america for being such a stupid lie!! In my mind, i had about 30 cus words in that sentences....

and do you know what LM, suck it up. I cant take this anymore...

So much time, So little to do...

2008-04-25T16:50:00.002-04:00

Wait! Reverse that....

-Willy Wonka, the original

So so so so so so so so so so so true!! I'm have been soo busy and I have so much stuff to do that I feel soo guilty for not doing it right now but god, if I don't slow down, I'm going to lose myself again...

but truth be told, I like this fast paced... But I only like it if I am allowed to go slow when going in between places... which, sometimes, sometimes not...It depends on my timing...

Okay-New rule(for me). No running to get to places, walk...not school, not bus, not Y, not librar. CRAP!! library....

shoot... she I have so much to do I'm becoming forgetful...I have like a million things to do...

dont mind this...
I'm just going to make a list of things I need to do or have been doing...

1-Remodeling our other house

2-Jordan application(did I tell you about the boarding school in Jordan? Well, I reeeeeeeeally want to get accepted but in order to do that I have to fill out about 45 application forms(no exageration). That is just overwhelming becuase while I fill out those, I also got to do...

3-a bunch of other worksheets that have to do with those worksheets, but don't really.... and then just some random worksheets that dont have to do with Jordan but have to do with now...

4-exercise... Going to the Y is tiring... It's a huge exercise just going there. If I was to go to the Y every day, I would be soo tired and have walked a mile a day just to get there(not including what's actually going on inside the Y) and ride about an hour on the bus... not including the school buses, the buses I take to get home after my clubs, or the walks I take to get there either...

5-and just some random other junk... like pictures, parkour, writing, homework...

anyways... i got to go...

Mad World

2008-04-23T15:48:00.003-04:00

Velcome

This is a kingdom heart amv song thing. The song is called Mad World by Gary Joules(sp?). It's soft but it's nice.

I have reply to your comment LM. Actually, no, I'm not that in that position. It's quite the opposite. When I moved, if I wanted to stay in touch with my best freind, I would have to do all the reaching, and I did, for 3 years... She never once called me, or returned my calls or e-mails. The only contact I ever had with her was when I called her and she was homeand wasn't busy and actually answered the phone and when I visited her 3 years later. When I visited her, I learned she moved on like the minute I moved even though we were best freinds. What I also learned was that we were still best freinds, no matter the fact that we hadn't talking in forever. Freinds are freinds, even if they don't keep in contact. And I know that with you. I don't and shouldn't need you everyday. That's crap. I'm not their so I can't be there everyday. I can only be there occasionally. So this is what I learned. I learned, that I don't have to cross every bridge everyday, or just one bridge every day. Once in a while is nice. I mean, if I do it everyday, First, it's a long commute, second, I'll get tired of the same old sites. And if I keep going to other island, I'll miss whats on my island, right here. That's why I'm going to go with the no computer/g-chat rule. I'll keep e-mails but you know how consitant I am with those.

Besides, I'm not there, so I can't be there everyday. And truth be told, trying toget onto the computer all the time becuase it was the fastest bridge to you guys was annoying and only made me lonely and miss whats going on here. I'll keep my blog though. I love writing and I love pouring my heart and mind out. And I hope you guys do to, becuase I love reading your. Surprising, when I moved, I learned more about than I did when I was there. Besides, when I talk to you guys on the computer, I never feel like I m talking to you guys. I'm just going to give up IM. Not completely, becuase my mom goes out of towns and its a nice way to talk with her...

anyways...I did this thing at school, after math on the bus. It's one of those random stuff that just popped into my head and I like it and Im keeping it there. I ride the bus to my school, with a bunch of other middle schoolers from other middle schools who are also in advanced math. Truth be told, I think I am the only real person who is actually freinds with them from Clague. On our bus, there are kids from the middle school Tappen who take advanced math and Community which is a high school but one girl goes there for an advanced class(dont remember which one). The kids from tappen are soo nice and really awesome. I also have freinds from scarlet, another middle school. Anyways, there's this boy from tappen called Murphay and he is sooo cool. I mean, I would love to go to Tappen or Scarlet instead of clague. Clague is where all the boring people go. Today, Emily, the girl from Scarlet, told me I that I would fit right in Scarlet and I believe her and I think I would be the same in Tappen. That's becuase A2(where I live...A-- A----- = A2(2 means squared...) is a very creative town that is known for its arts, yet clague is so dull so I wonder where all the arts people are. Turns out, its tappen and scarlet and etc...

Anyways, Murphey from tappen is funny and sometimes annoying but you just cant hate him. He is very smart too. And he has this smile where he freaks out people. That smile looks like the chestire cat smile. And then I looked around and suddenly I thought what if all the kids from tappen where Alice in Wonderland and Alice and the Looking Glass characters, who would they be...

So I came up with this(theres only like 10 or them...)

Lora- Mad Hattter(with a green hat, she fits...)
TK- Dorm Mouse(sp?)
Murphey- Chestire Cat
Anna- The duchess from the 2nd book who helps alice to another square... forgot her name. Shes the one who says there is a reason for every thing( PS- anna goes to Comunity but shes the only one and fits in with the tappen kids so... o well..)
Theo and Shaon( not so sure about the names... Ill check. But they are too boys who cant be more appart( well maybe a little) but are lke best freinds... at least from what I know... That's why I don't talk to them much..) the one I think is Theo is short and blond and has kinda long hair and is kinda blunt. The other one is nicer who is really tall, has short brown hair and smart.) From their looks, they don't leave much room for any more differences. So it's kinda strange Im calling them tweedledum and Tweedledee but it fits... at least for theo....But those two aren't that bad, and are actually quite smart so thats I picked them for that...

Andrew-White Rabbit

I think thats all... not much ehh? Anyways,..then when I got to clague I start looking at clague and thinking who are all the clague students? So if clague were characters from a book, which book. I'm still working on it. It's hard to think of something fun for some place so boring... wait... a boring place... maybe something from doctor Sues?

Anyways, Now Im also thinking about what Central would be but Im still stuck on that too...I think Clague and Central are harder becuase one, they are bigger than just the 5 people I named(or something like that) but I think of something. Got any ideas, please tell if. And if I figure it out, I'll tell.... maybe something with disney?

Lost in Thought,

Raphire

PS-The pciture I took yesterday. I was a nice day and I was playing with apples all day(long story...)I got the idea for cutting a heart into it from another picture. I call it 'Jelly Filled Heart.'

Thanks Goodness for photoshop becuase my original background was a little gray and you couldn't the apple quite well... I was having some trouble with my camera...

PSS-I'm am going to start uploading my best pictures onto Devaint Art, and the rest on photobuckect...It will take a will those but I need it...

later!

blank

2008-04-22T15:47:00.002-04:00

"It's funny, isn't it?"

wow... its sooo funny... i hate it. no matter what, that motto keeps coming into my head....It is sooo true.

Okay, I haven't been on a in a while becuase life has been hectic. Things are on a roll. You don't get what I mean by that.

You know how I keep telling you how we've been waiting for Michigan for a long time. It's my mom's dream to come here. and slowly, it became ours too. Not soo much, but still, a dream is a dream. I mean, this is something that we have been working towards a loooooong time. Do you know what it's like to finally get your dream?

And not only that. Not only did we get the simple dream of being in Michigan, but we got a whole bunch of... let's call them....packages to go with it. And all those packages are a great.

Thats how I feel right now, and right now, its amazing. For like once in my life, I have been telling myself more than once that I could do this. That this could be great, and that it is great...

And, I have sooo many extra packages its hard to remember them all.

Here, I am going to make one of my famous lists....

1-We get this house, the 2 bedroom condo that we have had in our family since I was 5. We have grown to love it and it has a beautiful veiw in a beautiful neighborhood and it's all soo amazing. and we will get our dream room...

2-My room. I finally get the room of my dreams. 4 months of sharing a room, and the rest of having a grown-up room and I finally get one. I actually get 3 rooms, although I can't decorate all three the way I want. Just the one in the 2 bedroom condo. But the rest are going to be mine, too. I'll have one at my grandma's house just down the street(reminds me of raymond) and most nights, we will spend the night there. In that house( this is really like another number but o well.) that house is a 3 bedroom condo and both me and my bro will each get our own room with a beautiful veiw of the lake. How amazing is that. That's the second room, the 3rd is in my uncles house which me and my bro share but it has a computer and his house is awesome and also has the tree of life which I haven't told you about yet...(later!!)

3- its not so cold anymore. Winter here is miserable... spring... managable. (they think 70 is warm. I said 80 is and they thought I was crazy. They also said 90 was too hot....(Crazy!!(keep in mind I've lived most of my life in texas)))

4-I have been taking the bus downtown which is awesome. I loooooove downtown. We(my bro and I) have been going to the YMCA at least twice a week and downtown is awesome. We are still getting used to the bus schedule but its still awesome. Plus, right behind the ann arbor bus stop is a huge public library. I might start going there all day(having no house means having no adress which means having no library card which means checking out no books, except from school which isn't much.)

5-I get to spend the summer in england with my cousin... that means, I get to ride an international plane by myself. Something I've always wanted to do!!(sorry Dawn.... On the bright side, two of my british cousins are coming to america... fun!!(not really!!)) and....

6- I might get to go to this american boarding school in the middle east. For the next four years... If i get accepted which I have a chance of doing becuase I have such a resume. It's called King's Academy. I might take the summer thing first( only 2 weeks) and then go there for school... It's only for high school so the only big downside is that my brother can't go... a year without my brother... but I know this school will be worth it. The prince of jordan's son is going to go there next year(he's our age...) how amazing would that be? Going to school with a prince? My mom did and loved it... she has used it soo much to get connections... and if I go, (it's more a problem of if I get accepted becuase if i do (which i REEEEEEEEEALLLY hope I do) then I will defiantly go, despite the cost). that becuase if you go, people from colleges want to give you full scholoships so it would be worth it. My mom wants me to find someone rich to marry there( she wants me to marry someone rich who will inherit a business or something...( i roll my eyes at this... Ill marry who I fall in love with... (if I still believe in it...))

7-school... Im doing great.. Mrs. Link is soooo much nicer... I feel like I actually have freinds...yet, Im just me...

8-I'm me again!! I haven't been...in a loooong while... This is the me I've been striving for for a while...Im a new me but a better me...Im not there yet, but I'm working on it...

9-I've been active again... The other day I did soo many cartwheels... and I have been going to the Y( which I mentioned) and I feel soo much more alive!!

10- our house is being completely enviromental... We are helping the enviroment...

11- and I got my notebook and I am writing stories... dont know when they will be on the computer though...

I think thats it... well theres more but they are little detials that are just conforming my theroy that life is going great....

and I made a mistake, but I have a plan to fix it... that's why my title was blank...with all that stuff in my head, you want me to pick ONE tittle? Keep dreaming...

anyways....I have amde a conclusion...Im addicted... to the computer... so I'm going to stop... No more computer everyday or taking my laptop with me everywhere... just when I want to talk... I'll talk, but not online... no anymore...

I'll call you...I don't mind... and if you want to talk... call me... I'll be happy to get a call... just as long as it's not during school... or at midnight asking if there are monsters under my bed... other than that....

L-O-V-E,

Raphire

PS-LM, just becuase people don't build the bridges with you doesn't mean you shouldn't build the bridge at all... I might not like building the bridge but at least I have a bridge... Instead of just being a lonely island...

Beyond Gone

2008-04-20T00:43:00.005-04:00

"I don't look back becuase I dont even need to"

-"Getting Away Murder"
Papa Roach

First, quick note. I think I my headings should be some sort of quote or something.I hate having the same heading all the time and quotes seem like good headings...

Now onto the post...

That is a song by Papa Roach, Do or die. The video isn't that good. But I love the song. I like Papa Roach, he tells the truth in ways. The head quote(thats what I'll call them) is from Papa Roach's song Getting Away With Murder.Here are some lyrics from the song that actually go with what I'm saying. Its the chorus.

"It's never too late to live your life
the time is now,
its do or die
I can't run away more
I can't hide anymore"

Its never too late. That's exactly how I feel. Did i tell you that we got the key to the new house thursday. And today (or yesterday by the time this is posted) we cleaned is for the whole day... We actually cleaned two houses... and now we are empting this house, the one we are living in now, and moving all my grandma's stuff there. It's like things are finally happening. I am starting over and doing quite a good job at it, if I do say so myself, I am getting close to my freinds which i have never been able to do before. I called a bunch of you guys today and I had a great time talking. I really needed that. It might have been stupid and meaningless, but heres a secert that i've sorta been keeping becuase I didn't want you guys to worry, at all about me here. Remember that laugh I used to have, where I used to just burst out laughing and not be able to stop? I loved that laugh, and I lost it. I have only laughed like that once since i moved, and that was a day before my birthday in enrichment. But today, talking to you, I got it back. And lately, good things have been happening. And I dont mean life has been one huge party. I mean, that life has actually felt like life. Like I could do this for the next 10 years. I mean, being here, it's not so bad. Im getting the hang of it. And I have met and made freinds with a lot of nice people. Sherry, Emily, Lora, Tk, Jojo, Kate, Angie, Jing... I could go on, want me too? And thats not counting the people I actually call and consider being good freinds with. Get my drift? I am actually being known here. People are actually stopping in the halls to talk to me. I like that. No one ever really did it before, no offence to you guys. Things are really settling in. My mom just now, like 5 minutes ago, accepted that offer to go work with cummins in jordan. That means, I am going to visit you guys sometime this summer. That also means, I have a possibility of going to austrailia this summer. Did i mention that it's already set that I am going to spend a month of my summer in England. I have been riding the Ann Arbor bus to go to the YMCA where I have been having fun working out with my brother. I have been running at least a mile every time I go there. I am doing soooo much better at math and I have been walking to school. Do you get my drift?

Let me put it this way.

I've MOVED ON.

I know that sounds bad but I know you guys have moved on too, and that's a good thing. It's been four months. Four month is enough time to get used to a place. I might be forgetting the stupid little detials about Columbus like my locker combo but do you know what, I wouldn't have remembered that next year anyways. I am still going to remember the important things and thats what matter. Beside, just becuase we've both moved on doesn't mean that we still can't be freinds. Distance is not going to ruin my freindships. I am going to call you whenever I get the chance and if I don't, I wouldn't mind you to call to me. You got to remind me too becuase I am VERY forgetfull but I would not like to forget you at all. So remember just becuase we've both moved on doesn't mean we've moved apart. We are both heading the same direction, just in differnt place. No... That's a bad example. It's more like that example build a bridge? We are both on different islands and we used to be on the same island. No big, we'll just build a bridge. Right... Does that make sence? I hope it does. And while we keep moving doing this island hop, moving from the middle school island to the high school to the college to etc, we will still bridges. They might get harder to build but if we both build them halfway, it's easier than having one person build the whole brigde.

And that's what was hard about EP. I was the only one building the bridges. Columbus, I know is different. But please don't let me build this bridge on my own. I'll get sick of it and I will eventually give up...And then there will no longer be a bridge to connect us and I dont want that, and I hope you don't either.

So that's it. Things are going well. I am finally feeling like I have a life which I haven't felt in a long time. Oh... want to know something funny/ironic. I kinda joined spelling club... Yep, Me... It was an accident too but i like it soo...

anyways, hope that made you smile and don't worry. Since I talked to you, I got back my laugh and I am trying to spread it. Kinda hard since no one here has much experience. Ironically, the other day I was looking through a dusty telescope I found in the corner and someone told me I was funny. Not weird, funny... That made my day...

Smiles and all

Raphire

Ps-The picture is an old one. I am going to start trying to post a picture with every other post. That picture is of a poster in my drama class that I love. If you can't reson it says, "Music is a treat to the soul." I think what I love about it the most is that a student made it. That classroom is so creative. I love it...

MEM CLEARED

2008-04-16T12:27:00.000-04:00

-my calculator
…

Quick question before I start. How are you liking my greetings and endings? If you don’t like them, I’ll go back to welcome or Hi, but I like saying quotes or something like that.

Anyways, back to post.

Guess what class I just came from?

Science. Yep, that one. It’s fun but that’s not what’s made me hyper. Can you tell? I’m hyper. Science always makes me hyper. But not only that, it sometimes makes me sad too. Want to know why? Didn’t I already tell you that I’m not going to be able to do chemistry because they did the first semester and Mrs. G was going to do it last semester? Well, that means that I am doing guess what right now? That’s right, Force and motion. And It’s making me sad because we are going to build, guess what? Roller coasters…

How ironic is that? And it makes me sad because what I’m learning, I’m learning in a totally different way. So it’s like I’ve learned nothing with you guys which I know isn’t true but I feel that way. Plus, I still have my blue notebook. The one I had for science notes? The one Dawn scribbled all over? Yea, that one. And every time I read something that was written in there, I’m back at that classroom with dawn and A-cat and Anna-lanchel and with Mrs. G and the red, blue, and green cups and I miss you guess every time I go into that classroom. It’s like homesickness.

Anyways, just want you to know I haven’t forgot you (no really?) and I hope that you have had the replacement cups in my seat for so long that you have forgotten me too.

Homesick,

Raphire

PS-I didn’t start calling Columbus Home, till, well, till the beginning of 8th grade but even more when I moved. Ironic isn’t it? Just one of the reasons why I’m convinced life is funny.

Masive Pillow Fight

2008-04-15T21:35:00.001-04:00

hello peoples

heres a link i found that was cool. Its about some massive pillow fights.

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB120814163599712081.html?mod=yhoofront

enjoy

Raphire

Pink Sky

2008-04-15T20:36:00.002-04:00

Hello Fellow Homosapains(thats a complimant),

Right now it's dawn here and the sky is pink. One thing I love about this house is that it has a great veiw. Not amazing but its better than the back of the house. We have the biggest deck on the block becuase we are a corner house. What I don't like is that there are so many trees and factories with smoke in the air.

Anyways, My baby cuz is here and I just came back from the Y(aka-YMCA). I ran a mile there(with breaks(I'm suck at running)) and then did some weight training. If I want to do parkour, I'm going to need some serious muscles. We rode the bus there then had to ride the bus back so we were only there for a while. And with all the distance we walked to get to the bus stop and back and I walk in the mornings too, I think that was like another mile or half or something. Anyways today was a decent day, and... That's all. Ohh, I'm feeling lonely and you guys are no where near!! Get on or leave me or comment or call me or something. I just really need to talk to you guys and know whats up...

Mangoes and Black holes,

Raphire

PS- My name was in capitols becuase i was testing how it would look.

Catering Pictures-2nd Job

2008-04-15T16:13:00.008-04:00

Here are the pictures of the food we cooked.

The last picture is the the salad which is coucos salad.

The fifth picture is the deviled eggs which was the apetizzer.

The fourth picture is the chips and dip which we just had for extra food becuase the client didn't think we had enough apetizzer. It was also for the baby. The dip was homemade with some leftover ingrediants.

The third picture is the soup which was some chickpeas with some other bean soup which had cream and a bunch of stuff. It looks darker brown becuase of the whipping cream.

The second picture is the first entre which was an lassagna alfredo.

The first picture is the second entre which is a potatoe Duaphlin or something which is just a fancy word for cassarole.

Help me Breathe, Becuase Im Drowning myself

2008-04-15T15:46:00.004-04:00

Remember to Breath,

I can't breath....Physically, that's a lie. Mentally, it's an understatement.

I hate it when I get like this. Actually, no I don't. I hate it when no one listens. Which they never do anyways, so ... it even outs?

Something like that. Anyways, Im drowning with thoughts and I've learned some new things, that I not sure I should know and for some reason, I know, HEED me. I said I KNOW, that something is going to happen. And from what I learned so far, Im not liking where this is going. I just really need to write some of it down and I have. I got this small journal and thats just what I'm doing, puting all my thoughts into it and theres a lot and Im feeling lazy so I'm not going to copy it. Maybe later but not now. Maybe Ill send some of the pages though. Anyways, I'll tell you one thing, Its about MS. I found your twin. There's this girl at school who looks JUST like you, except for the part that she doesn't wear glasses. But if we dressed you two alike, I bet we couldn't tell who would be who. The first time I saw her, she was wearing a hoodie and she rolled up her sleeves and it was just the way you do it. And she had her hair back in a ponytail the way you do. She normally doesn't wear that though. I guess it was a one time outfit. But it happened to be the one time I saw her. She's a 7th grader so i don't know her name but she does look like you. Except a little shorter.

That's All

Out of Breath,

RAPHIRE

Catering Business

2008-04-10T18:36:00.002-04:00

Yello Freinds,

This post is a fact one. I'm not going to preach my thoughts, I am just going to tell you what's been going on in reality over here.

First, thank you Morning Sun. I promise you my heart and all the dolphins in the world I won't(don't ask about the dolphins.)

Now, as for reality, I am still on Spring Break and it is going wonderfully. I have acomplised a lot but still have a ways to go. But I need to tell you about tommorrow. I didn't tell you guys that me and my brother are starting a business did I? Well, I told LM(Livia Michelle/Lime Made) but that was only becuase she was on when I received my pay. Yep that's right. I get paid. We, my brother and I, have only done one client so far and that was our uncle. We learned a lot from it and we have our second client tommorrow, one of the guests, and a freind of my uncle.

If your wondering how this works, well, on our first job we got overpaid greatly becuase we didn't really have a budget plan and didn't really pay for the food or anything but now we have a little experience and we are working our way up. We have menus and appettizers and apparently they are fancy but truth be told, they are very easy. My uncle dug out some cookbooks that had been lost in his cubboards for years but you get my point. We are using some recipes from that and it is very fun. Hard but fun. We have done sooo much work. When we first got the idea, we had no clue how much work. I'm doing most of the paper work and my bro most of the cooking. My brother is also a good sales person so we split the profits 50/50.

Want to know exactly what we do? Well, we have to make a grocery list, then an iventory list with what pots and pans we are supposed to use. So far, we have been baking at other peoples house so we go take inventory there, but if this goes well we'll have to start cooking in our kitchen and transport the food over. Which might be a problem since we don't have the best methods of tranportation. So far, people have been driving us everywhere, but again, if this goes big, we might have to use the bus and get better methods. Anyways, on our first job we charged like $50 for like a 5 course meal which is apprently cheap and then got a 30 dollor tip, so i earned about... 40 bucks? Something like that, don't remeber anymore. Kinda spent the money. Anyways, I had to pay my mom for groceries and transportation but we still got a pretty good profit. This time I have to pay for the groceries which I did and it was pretty cheap. Only 40 bucks. Seems like a lot, but really isn't. So yea, we have to do buggeting and stuff. I got a notebook to keep track of everything, such as ingreadiant, reciets.... kinda like a journal of our 'journery.'

Anyways, our second client is tommorrow. I don't know if i already told you that or not, but oh well. Anyways, My brother and I always wanted to start a business at this age but never really how. And on my own, I never would have. My bro started the bussiness but didn't really know what he was doing and we always do stuff together so i joined and 50/50'ed the profits.

Anyways, that's all. If you got questions on how its going just ask. If you just want to talk, go ahead, call me. I'm bored. Do you guys know my cell? It's still 812. I won't put the full number on here for saftely reasons but you can just ask. I'll send you an email. Please tell me how you guys are doing. Please!!

Have Fun!!

Smiles,

Raphire

Ps-No more just plain posts. These are going to be my online letters to you,(notice my greeting) and the starting-over blog, my online letters to the world.

Let me do this

2008-04-09T15:51:00.002-04:00

okay

i am a horrible person, but let me get this straight!!

i am not them, okay. and for my standards, im horrible.

and i dont want you to compare me to those other crooks and robbers and all those other 'bad guys'. i just want to be compared to me.

I AM JUST ME.

okay
and that's all i want to be.

But here's the problem. I want to be the 'perfect' me. By perfect i mean, be the me that i would admire. Right now, i hate myself. Not hate, hate where i want to cut myself, but hate as in I'm not the person i want to be. And me, I'm a HUGE hypocrite. I tell people they suck while what they do bad, I do worse. And i consider myself good person. But i don't anymore. Enough of that crap. Right now, I a horrible person and i have my flaws, but you know what, I'm going to fix them. I am going to be a better me.

How?

Well for one, I'm going to stop critizing people and stop giving advice unless the person asked. I am going to smile 24/7 and always clean my room. I'm going to stop this procastination habit i have and start doing my work when i have time. I am going to accept other peoples opinions and actually listen to them. And I'm going to change the way I look. By that, I mean, be a healthier, fancier person. I am always going to dress nice and start actually wearing nice clothes, starting now. Right now, I'm wearing my green skirt with that purple t-shirt than has two layers(hard to explain.) I've straightened my hair which i am going to do often now and put it up in a pony-tail. I am going to add a belt, some nice black slippers shoes, take my homework outside, and do it on the deck. Simple as that. And I'm also going to start wearing those ribbons in my hair again. Remember those? They look even nicer with my short hair. That will be my signature touch, my little essence of me thats going to seperate me from everybody else.

And another thing about me is that I'm lazy, I really am.Since I've moved here, I've gained 10 pounds and you can tell i have a tummy. I have no muslces what so ever and get tired after 2 minutes of running. I am out of shape. But I am going to change that. If I am going to do all those sports I want to do, I am going to have to get back into shape. Yesterday, I went to the Ymca for about 3-4 hours. I spent like 2 hours on different machines, took brakes to get my breathe(you know you burn more calories if you take breaks and work out in short terms becuase your body was made for endurance so after a while of working out(like 10 minutes) your body goes into 'shut-down' mode and stores all those calories for later meaning you burn less.) I ran a mile around the track(with breaks and stops of course) and i worked my muscles sore. For my first reall workout, I think I did a horrible job. One- I think i worked my muscles too hard becuase all muscles are sore and I don't want that( they still are but I'm better. Yesterday I could barely walk) and Two- I got my self dehydrate horribly. I didn't drink enough water which I am going to start doing better. All my life I've been poorly hydrated and it has cuased me to get these frequent horrible headaches. I haven't had those headaches in a while(since yesterday) but I've always hated them and I'm going to stop them altogether.

So as you can tell, I'm going to change.. Big. Let me just get this straight. That girl you used to know in columbus? I'm not her anymore. My attitude, and even some of my appereance is not at all the same as it was in Columbus. That is before I deciding this. After this, I'm going to be changed even more. Just promise me that we won't grow apart. And if you can't then i guess we already have.

I am waaaaaay open to suggestions on how i can limit myself better, but other than that, this is a self change which means i really have to do this myself. You can help, but not too much.

And if you are still reading this, thanks. It means a lot.

Would You Lie Wth Me?

2008-04-07T19:13:00.002-04:00

It's funny isn't it. How i always come back to that same line and, how it fits life every time. Life's is funny. Simple as that. You have your ups and your downs but no matter what it always seems to amaze you. Even when you're down so much it doesn't seem possible it can amaze you. Or when you seem so high that it can't get any higher will it amaze you. It's like life has it's own system and it's a pretty simple system, yet everyone seems to pretend that there isn't one. It's not like it's a secret, or maybe it is.

So want to know what this 'secret' is?

It goes on. No matter what, life goes on. Simple as that.

It's funny how everyone at one point in those roller coasters we call life, knows this, yet it doesn't help. Once you know the 'secret' of life, well, nothing happens. It just goes on and nothing changes. All thats happened is now you know how the system works. Now to stop it, well you can't. Your just going to have to 'go with the flow' or against.

Fairy Doors

2008-04-06T21:44:00.004-04:00

Today, i felt like i was actually home.

I haven't felt like i had a home to call my own, since.... since... before we even decided to sell the house. I mean, it was still my home, but i also had to make it seem like it could be any body's home, so the little bit of personality that you put into your home, i had missing... it was that way for about 1/4 year. You know the funny thing is, i didn't even consider that home to be my home until 8h grade started.

Confused?

Okay, first I'll explain what I'm talking about at home, and then I'll tell you about my last two days.

In Columbus, I hated my room. See i had a reeeeeeeeeallly nice room, for an adult. My room had no kid essence whatsoever. Some people would go into the room and would ask if it was my mom's. You would not think that room belonged to a child, yet I had had that room since i was 5. I was sick of it. Actually, the orginal way i got it was by accident. We were in Texas and my grandma told my mom to get her a room in our house, knowing that my mom would go out and buy the best most expensive furniture she could. And that's just what she did. Then after a while, my grandma told my mom that since she didn't come to visit us that often, instead of letting a beautiful room go to waste, my mom should give it to me. And when my grandma did decide to come, it would be her room. Well my grandma never really did come after that and after a while the room became fully mine.

So thats how a five year got the one of the best adult rooms money can buy. Now why do i complain? Well, first, the room was still considered my grandma's so i couldn't really decorate it. I was never allowed to hand things up on my wall, so i never did.
My room never really had my essence, never and when we moved, it only became worst. Because one- i had to sell half my stuff, and two-some of it was still packed in boxes and three- i didn't really have anything to decorate. So my entire life until this year, my room had always just been a room. Until this summer when i got bored and decided to do something about it. So i put all my stuff from my magic box up onto my walls and furniture and i loved it. But it didn't stay for long, because then we had to put our house on the market, and when we did, all that stuff went back into that box.

So now, I've been waiting for a chance to finally have a room that i can finally call mine, and just mine. A room where my box can be empty and that walls can be full. But since we don't have a house, I haven't been able to do anything. That is until now. Now, we are finally getting a home that all of us, (my mom, my brother, my dad, and me) can all call home. And all of us for different reasons. My mom will finally be in her house of her dreams, in the perfect location, too(next to her mom). My dad is back to a place where they have a mosque and Arabic people that he knows. (He never liked Columbus.) Me and my brother can finally have a place to call home, our own rooms, and can finally do all those actives we wanted to.

Okay, here's another thing. Did you know that we never planned on staying in Columbus
any more than 5 years. 5 years, would way too long. It's actually quite amazing we made it to 3. So all those years in Columbus, none of my family felt at home because we all knew it wasn't going to last. We just didn't know when it would actually end, we just knew it would. So all those years, there, we never did activites because we didn't want to get attatched. By the 3rd year, we just threw that in the trash. And the place we knew we would end up, is here, Ann Arbor.

So now, my brother and I and our whole family finally have permission to settle in. Which we are and its slowly working into place.

Here's where present day comes into place.Yesterday we spent whole day at this furniture(the same one that sells the Swedish cookies) and then today, we actually spent the whole day making Ann Arbor feel like home. We cleaned like we did in our home as a family acitivity( you would have to be part of the family to understand) and then we went to see an Ann Arbor site that is only in Ann Arbor. Its these fairy doors. I won't explain them to you or even tell you where they are becuase it's an Ann Arbor secert. For all you know, there is no such thing as fairies. Anyways, the fairy door we saw was downtown and turns out theres was the april fools festival downtown that sunday. So we ended up going. It was awesome, and completly crazy. Not sure i want to tell, might take all the fun out of it. Yea, you'll have to come see for yourself. After that we stopped at this shop that was inviting people in for drinks and snacks. Turns out it was a cement shop and they decorate cement which is AWESOME!! I wanted to get some for our new house(which is closing in 2 Weeks if i haven't already told you. ) but it's out of the box and when it comes to stuff like that, she prefers to stay in it. But check out their website. Its really awesome.

http://www.surfacea2.com/

If you look in the pictures, one of the floors they did had flames, blue. How awesome is that? But it's more for lofts.

Anyways, after that we stopped at a freind of my uncle's house and played a litte with their kids(4 and half a year) and then went to meijer's for grocery's.

Now did i tell you what happened in that furniture store(i call it IK since it starts with those letters).

No, I didn't. Well, first let me explain our situation. Right now,There are two bedrooms in the house. me, my brother, and my mom are all living in one bedroom while my grandma has the other bedroom. The bedroom that the 3 of us are living in is prettty big. It can fit 2 beds length wide and still have room for a desk, and the closet door to open.Not getting the picture? ill draw it for you. Its that picture at the top. It's pretty self explanitory. My mom's bed is the bed labeled MOM's bed. MY bed the one next to her's, My bro's the one across. My Mom's bed is bigger than ours because her's is a full and both my brother's and mine are twin. the box next to my bro's bed that isn't labeled is his nightstand which has the t.v. on top of it. So as you can see it's packed.

Now, we found this other condo like my grandma's but it has 3 bedrooms and they are all upstairs(the bedrooms in this house are only 2 and they are downstairs). Everyone is trying to convince us to buy that house but no one in my family( besides my dad) wants to get that house. We all like my grandma's better. So... my grandma is going to get the 3 bedroom house only a minute walking distance from here(same neighborhood) and we are going to get the house we are curently living in. Now if you wondering how 4 people(when my dad comes this summer) are going to sleep in two bedrooms, well, my mom will get my grandma's room and me and my brother will get this room. So how's that going to work without us eating at each others necks all the time? We are going to make this one room, two! How? With the new furniture we were promised from IK. First, we are going to divide the room in two at the place where my mom's bed meets mine. We move that a line a little to fit the bookcase. confused. Okay, imagine this. Where my mom's be will be my bed, except with a different frame, same size, same dirrection. Now here's the confusing part. Next to it, will be my bookcase which will work as an arch. Let me explain that better. At IK, we found this bookcase that was designed around a window. In other words, one book case on one side and another on the other. But! on top of the window, connecting the two bookcases is a small bookcase that is only one shelf. It makes an arch around the window, to save space(motto of IK. IT was made in Sweden and they don't have a lot of extra space). Anyways, It's the same idea. The end of one bookcase will go facing my bed, then the other will go where my bro's nightstand is, facing the window(which is that red line by the way. It's actually a walk out window but none of us are allowed to use it. It therefore useless except for natural light.)
So theres a bookcase(width side) against the wall. Still confused? It's like taking the bookcase that is currently against the wall,and rotating it so its side will be against the wall. But the flaw to this plan is that its back will be there so you can see it, right? Wrong. Let me finish with the bookcase. so the two bookcase will have their sides against the wall, both having their backs towards the doors. In between the two, and on the top is going to be that same arch from the window. There is going to be a curtain in between and that's how your going to get to my side of the room. now on my bro's side, IK has this really awesome wire curtain that we are going to hang next to the book shelf to one:hide the backs of the bookcases, and two: provide him with some of his own privacy other than my curtain. make sence? and whatever my bros decide to do on his room, is fine. The only flaw, is that there is only one doorway so i would have to go through my bro's room to get out. We will have a system for that. Second, the closest, we are going to have to share but it's a big walk out closest and we are currently sharing it now so it will no difference besides the extra room from the lack of my mom's close in there.

So thats it. My room is going to have an arch. How cool is that. Now people are telling us we are crazy for me and my brother sharing a room but me and my bro are close and we aren't even going to be sleeping in those rooms half the time. My mom is going to be traveling again so we will be at my grandma's and we will each have our own room there. Plus we would go to the YMCA almost everyday and we both are going to have afterschool activites. And there is still a chance of us going to Jordan. My mom is seriously considering taking the job. The only reason we haven't already said yes, let's go, is because my mom is afraid of the change, afriad is will be too severe for us. I think it's fine, it's my bro who isn't so open. You know i have a chance to go to a boarding school in Egypt?

Anyways, that's all. Sorry about friday, it was just a sucky day. If it's a sucky day, don't listen or talk to me because i am not me and i am usually mean and i will probably say something i regret, like i did to LM. Sorry about that. Do whatever you want and just forget what i said. And I'm also sorry that the last post i had was one that made you think that I'm having a horrible time here. Im not, that was just a bad day, we have them every once in a while.

Anyways, have fun!

Spring Break 2008

2008-04-04T21:48:00.001-04:00

Did i mention that it was Spring Break here? and no, dont even ask it. there is not even a micrscopic chance of me coming. i have enough homework and house work and blah blah blah... its going to be a loooooooooong break...

What do you wish for?

2008-04-04T18:47:00.002-04:00

argh!!

stupidest day ever!!

hello by the stupid way!!

....
today was the worse... should i be good little angle and bottle myself up, or should i be whinnning crybaby and tell you every stupid detail

ill give u the outline

went to bed sick
woke up at 2 and some other random hours becuase i couldnt sleep
woke up late
got into a fight with my grandma
went to school late(which i walked to by the way, in the rain, which made my shoes wet)
was late to math, turns out we had a 5 minute pop quiz which i could have aced if i hadn't came in late becuase of that fight i had becuase i was cranky becuase i didnt get a good nights sleep
i think im back to failing math
was sleeply all day
got the hard sceince test which had the only questions i didnt know( the odds....)
turns out in drama, there are some social bulliers that think i dont deserve my part
i lent someone my green highlighter and they forgot to return it...
i spilt my plate at lunch...
missed my bus after school
and we had a doctors appointment
the only day i didnt have my wallet when i actually needed it
and ended up walking at least 2 miles today, with my back-pack for no stupid reason
got into fights with my mom
apprently i cant rule my life and my mo is laying down the rules more
and apparently have an attitude problem
and i need at least 5 band aids for all the stupid cuts ive given my stupid self!!

and ive cried at least 10 times today and i dont need anymore.. just ...
leave me alone...

let me sleep, catch up

and i hate being like this
and dont try to talk to me
cuase im in a rrrrrrrrrrrrreally bad mood
and will probably say something i regert
10/10 times

stupid headache...

so tahts how my stupid day went...

Swedish cookies

2008-04-01T16:07:00.004-04:00

okay...

here, we have this furniture store that huge(like twice the size of target(its 2 story)) and its swedish and it has these awesome!! swedish cookies. the next time i come down there, im going to bring like 50 packs... i like the lemon ones the best...

im not sure i should describe them to you... then it would take the surprise away... yea, ill keep it a surprise, and i wont tell you the store they are from either... even though i know theres not one within a million miles of columbus)

as for today, today was an okay day, not horrible or bad... just decent but im happy!! i was happy all day... smiling and everything...

and it was pretty awesome...

first, im going to tell you all the good stuff like my math grade is no londer an F
its a D now...
i know, not a big difference but at this pace, ill be passing at no time!!
and then, you know that teacher mrs. link i told you about? the one that no one likes... well we took our papers to our principal and she is going to fix the problem and be sure that we get graded more fairly... if she still doesn't, then she might get fired... but only if she doesn't improve.. dont get me wrong about this...
and fourth, guess what my sceine sub was? Mr. Bolsing, but he told us to call him... take a guess... Mr. B. i practicully laughed... and last(this is the best) in drama, i auditioned for a lead role in the play and.... i got it!! we are doing a shakesphering play, "As you like it"

heres the wikapedia link to it, i got celia!!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/As_you_like_it

its a comedy/ romance but theres no kissing or stuff like that in it...

so that was the good parts of my day, and lets just screw the bad parts...

and that was it.. just wanted to tell you the good news..

BESTEST FREINDS EVER!!

2008-03-31T21:49:00.000-04:00

I have the bestest freinds ever!!

THANKS YOU!!

Whats your personality type?

2008-03-29T23:53:00.001-04:00

You Are An ENFP

The Inspirer

You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends.

You are also unconventional, irreverent, and unimpressed by authority and rules.

Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives.

You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're quite the storyteller!

In love, you are quite the charmer. And you are definitely willing to risk your heart.

You often don't follow through with your flirting or professed feelings. And you do break a lot of hearts.

At work, you are driven but not a workaholic. You just always seem to enjoy what you do.

You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist.

How you see yourself: compassionate, unselfish, and understanding

When other people don't get you, they see you as: gushy, emotional, and unfocused

What's Your Personality Type?

thanks, OJ

and dawn, if you read this... check out this quiz... i think you might get a hundred which might please the vioces...

http://www.blogthings.com/areyouaparanoidschizophrenicquiz/?newleftcolumn=yes&order=4

100 things to do before you die

2008-03-29T22:00:00.003-04:00

okay, i am going to make a list of 100 things i want to do before i die...my journey to do them would be the bestest ever!!( and these are in no particular order... the #'s are just there to keep track)

1-take a coast to coast road trip
2-own a convertiable at least once in my life
3-get a cat
4-find a way to get the roof of some VERY high building(working on it!!)
5-visit all 7 wonders
6-go to all 7 contiments(yes, anartica included..)
7-go to space
8-make a hundred freinds
9-fall in love
10-make a 'road trip' book
11-solve a mystery
12-learn parkour
13-win a peace prize
14-own my own company(maybe a non-profit organization?)
15-have my dream house
16-learn to surf
17-sky-drive
18-jet ski
19-have a whole room in my house just for books( a huge library with manga and encyclopedias and everything)
20-get a karate black belt
21-ride a helicopter
22-give a million hugs to a million different people(wow...)
23-para sail
24-jump off a cliff
25-burn twlight(just kidding...)
real 25-live abroad for at least a year
26-learn 5 different languages(that includes spelling!!)
27-visit iraq again
28-visit El Paso again
29-experience an earthquake
30-air surf
31-parachucket
32-bungee jump
33-climb some real rocks
34-get back into rock climbing!!!
35-cover a whole wall with memories
36-help someone
37-master myself(like with chi and chakra)
38-fly a plane
39-own a motorcycle
40-find my symbol
41-have my adventure
42-adopt a child
43-scuba dive
44-visit shakespheres house
45-make my own photo journal
46-write my own personal book
47-have a library of 'thought journals'
48-run a marathon(and not chicken out)
49-be able to do a hundred push-ups without stoping
50-build a house(with help!!)
51-build a sand caslte house that is fully funtionable
52-see columbus in the winter at night, when its snowing
53-take pictures of the world all over the place
54-take a whole weekend camping trip
55-back-pack through a foreign country(that where you can only live off the stuff in your backpack!!)
56-visit japan!! (expecially tokoyo)
57-go to ninja warrior and get past 1st stage...
58-take a cruise
59-glider dive(thats where you jump off a helicopter whereing a flying squirel like suit and glude to the ground... there is a parachuet for back-up)
60-dive bomb(may cuase death... lets make it last...)
61-sculpt a ten foot high sculpture
62-own a loft
63-make my own sword
64-master the bow staff
65-work for a newspaper at least once
66-watch the sunrise in... some place special... lets let magic decide the place
67-visit broadway
68-memorize the 21 laws of leadership(basicully the whole book!!)
69-have a movie marathon weekend with my freinds
70-ditch school
71-hope a fence( a high one)
72-live near a flea markect(or like where i can go to one easily)
73-master the art of the sword
74-run away and not have a reason to turn back
75-say no when i feel like it
76-find someone who can get me...
77-watch the sunset from a high building
78-skinny dip
79-jump into a pool/lake with all my clothes on
80-get pushed into a pool
81-capture the 4 aspects of photgraphy..(texture, shape, emotion, story)
82-get a PhD
83-rewire a computer(or something just as comlicated)
84-ride a huge roller coaster(with someone who isnt scared!!)
85-go to disney's cooperate office(maybe have a job there)
86-have a beautiful garden, like my old one...
87-build a swing for a tree
88-build a treehouse, or have one... a real one
89-water ski
90-learn to do tricks on a skateboard
91-ride in a police car(hopefull not to jail...)
92-plan a huge surprise(by huge i mean life changing...)
93-go to an arts school
94-go to china
95-smash a clock with a hammer
96-learn to play piano
97-inspire someone
98-go to a boarding school(even for the summer)
99-here a lot of peoples stories, in real life
100-tell someone my full story....

wow... that was harder than i thought...
but all of them are true, so... im working on it...

Hat3

2008-03-29T00:03:00.002-04:00

okay

here are my top ten pet peeves which i actually do some/most so im a hypocrite.
(these aren't in any particular order, they are just numbered)

1- people who miss what in front of them( i hate this one even more when people can see what in front of them, but pretend they dont...)

2- people who can only think of themselves( me...)
i hate this one even more when the people do stuff that effects like 20 people and would make them all angry but dont care...

3- people who dont care

3- people who just act fake but actually aren't... i hate fake people too, but the ones that pretend to be fake are the ones that i hate the most. basicullay fakers and pretenders...

4-people who want to be someone else other than themselves

5- people who always blame everything one someone else(me)

6- people who are bossy-(me...)

7-hypocrites( me)

8- people who cuase/make trouble or hurt or dont help someone else for their own benifit

10- when people cant stand up for themselves... kinda makes me sad...

broken

2008-03-28T21:14:00.002-04:00

okay...

this is a shaky topic...

i've never really talked about...

and still not sure i want to know...

it was my strong topic... the one i never finished...

i think i told you that i used to be strong

mentally and physically

i mean, no one could make me cry... not after my dad left....

and if they did, no one would see me, and it wouldnt be for long...

and then things changed.... but i dont remeber how, i just know, i started to break

and now, im not so strong... not anymore...

okay...

and now, its easier to reach my heart...
and since i trust you, your closer to it...

and every time.... i get into an argument...
or seriously conversation

i cry and my heart breaks...

its does that a lot.. i get a lot of insults
from people who are close to my heart and they aren't those playful ones either...
and its not like i try to cry...

but i guess this doesnt matter....

just wallowing in slef-pity....

this is exactly why i hate trust....

Hate

2008-03-28T20:53:00.003-04:00

argh

okay

you guys dont get it

im going to give you a list of things that i hate...
my pet peeves...

one- i hate people who dont listen... i mean, who always have to get their opinion in... and sometimes im like this... . but most times im not, not anymore...the only time i talk back, is when im being insulted, and not even then... you guys might know me as the person who talks a lot, but im not... i actually sometiems go sooooo long without talking that when i do, my vioce sounds weird. i go WHOLE days without talking and no one notices... its crap!! you know, i've never really had anyone listen to me, and sometimes that why i talk back, to try and see if someone will listen, maybe just once... but most times they dont... usually towards the end of an agrument, i give up... i stop talking... and i just give and admit their right... cuz i dont want to deal with it, and never do... and i hate it... i hate it...

and im a hypocryte... but its not like im oblivious to that fact... its not like im not trying... but anyways, this doesnt concern you... if you dont listen, well then thats just you...

you know, this is also probably why no one knows me... no one has heard enough of my story, to know me...but thats just me wallowing in self-pity, right?

yea, just ignore it....

Stories...

2008-03-25T21:53:00.002-04:00

okay...
i want to explain how i am right now.

this is like the first time i've been on the computer in like 4 days...

i have had like no time...

havent done my exercises

its just the stupid school!!

i've never been like this and i hate it
this is susposedly suposed to be good for me...
and its not, i know its not...
and i hate it
but as long as im here
this is what i've got to do

so i just want you to know
i dont hate it here
im just tired right now
my magic has shortened a bit
but its still there
and thats all that matters
and im really starting to get the hang of it

but i want you to know, i havent forgot you guys...
i actually think of you guys all the times
i write stories to you in my head
by stories
i write way
i could tell you
whats going on here
or how i am
or some memory i just remebered
like im writing blg posts in my head to you
maybe you are getting it telipathicaly

...
naw... i dont think so....

anyways, it confuses me in my head
becuase i 'think' im writing to you
and that you already know all these stories that i wrote in my head
i know you dont know ALL of them
but i know i wrote down some of them
but i dont really remebers which ones...
and right now, your not getting any of them
becuase i dont have enough time to type

but i haven'r forgetten you guys
i just dont have enough time
any ideas on how i can spend it better?
i mean, i didnt get home from school today
until....
past 7:30
stayed at school from them...
....

oh! i got it....

ill parent control myself...
that way, i can only get on the computer at...
lets say ...
6?
after 6
but not after 9....
yea...
and ill go on a tv 'shun'
no tv for me for this month...

ill unplug them...
this way, i wont be tempted
i can go spend time outside
so nice....

Spring

2008-03-23T13:10:00.002-04:00

its spring with green grass and birds singing and the sun shinning, right?

well not in MI. im telling you! the snow here is crazy!! its soo freaking cold!! friday, IT SNOWED!! for about the whole day too. im not talking about that crappy snow that doesnt leace an impression or anything, this is snow... we could go sledding in it!! my mom actually had to shovel her car out!! which actually took some time!!

seriously!! but besides that im happy here... apprently, ive been giving the impression that i hate... well for a while i did... i was confused on how things were going to work and when i did figure it out, i didnt like it... but after my b-day happened, things changed...

first, my grandpa got his cast off and went back to his house the next day...

second, my uncle started helping me with my math and im doing better...

third, i am actually making freinds in math so im not that clueless anymore...

fourth, i started walking to school with my grandma which is fun.. it actually takes less time than a car would, so i walk up the same time i get to save energy and enjoy the veiw...

fifth, i joined yvc(youth volenteer club) and i feel like im actually making a differene...

sixth, i am understanding what type of people the people here really are...

so its pretty cool.. things are working out... and from what i hear from you guys, it is there too...

i told you that magic would come...

oh by the way... did i mention that we made an offer for a 3 bedroom condo and they accepted.. in a month, my family will have the house of our dreams.... with ikea rooms..too!!

and the offer to jorden, they gave us one, now my mom is just deciding whether it is such a good idea, which we all think it is but her...

anyways, my uncle showed me this hilarious video... its about nusery rhymes and politics. the guy saying this is a comedian and he's british.. its has one bad word in it but he says it so fast and in am apporpiate place so im allowing it.. besides, we hear more at school...(most parents dont know that though...)

anyways,.. here it is....

enjoy

Its funny, isn't it

2008-03-21T18:21:00.002-04:00

Isn't it funny? Just anything, everything.

Isn't it just funny? How life works? I mean you think you got it them bam. or how you think life cant get any worse yet it keeps coming. How people judge from others minds. How we search for that someone. It's weird. sad, but it's kinda funny, how all that happens yet for some reason we keep going, life keeps going. Its funny how sometimes you just want to break down and cry let it all out but you don't. Instead, you keep it in. Or ever just want to get away away from it all and when you do you just end up going back? Or you just say "when i'm older" Here's your solution.

Getaway, Ignore it, or Face it. Tell it to back off.

i have this box. its filled with peices of my past. everything i do, every memory, i try to keep a piece of it. and i put it in this box... but heres the thing. i hate things being in box. that way, you just forget about them... most of the stuff in this box, used to be up on my walls, or on my furniture all that, so i can remeber these memories everyday.. then i moved and had to take them down. i dont have my own room yet so u cant put them out yet so.. but in this box, i had this paper and this paper, i had writen the words i just typed above... heres another thing you guys dont know about me. those words, its funny isnt it? used to be my motto. they would always echo through my and i had written it on multiple peices of paper. what i typed above is only one example of me talking about how life is funny... i had just found this one so i typed. those are the exact words, exac capitals and exaxt punctuation marks... but there are some words, that i didnt type not yet... they are after that whole paragraph, in the middle of the rest of the page just floating on their own... can you guess the words? well, if not, here they are...

Words echo in your head
whose?
yours
-----
--
-

Reply

2008-03-19T18:20:00.003-04:00

this is a reply to Livia's comment on SAE

actually
no i wouldnt know those boys
my mom stopped being Friends with them
and if we stayed
i would have had
a new best freind
becuase right before i moved(march actually)
another girl had moved there
her name was ruth
and me and here
instantly became freinds
but then i moved
and i never knew
what would have happened
if i had stayed
you dont quiet get it do you
i had a life there
a completely different life than the one i have to day
and without it, i would be me
but im not yearning for it
and im not holding onto anything
i never did
but thats something i cant explain
and no one can understand
how i never held on
i just missed it
its a hard feeling to explain
you'll only know
when you move
you dont want it here
but you dont want it gone either
something like that
and no
MI doesnt suck
it rocks
the same way el paso did
except el paso is different
than MI
and i knew that
but i was just remembering
i was just cherishing
some memories
that i hadn't exactly cherished
in a long time
when i moved
i never really thought about el paso
or columbus
i know
how i talk
doesnt make it seem that way
but i didnt
i actually forgot
just didnt want to tell you that
becuase that would mean i forgot that too
and you know
sometimes
you can keep a secert
and that was just one of mine
dont take it personally
im still getting used to the honesty thing
and i say no use
to tell u
that i had forgotten
about you guys
for seconds
its not like i wanted to forget you
but i didnt want you be here
either
i kinda needed to move on
but still keep a piece of the old

by the way, did you guys know i was in girl scouts...
when i was in 2nd grade...
my mom was like the assistant leader
i stoped after 2nd grade...

do you remember that song?

"make new freinds, but the keep the old
some are silver and the others gold"

Strong

2008-03-19T17:59:00.002-04:00

okay

im going to finish my strong article...

and im going to exlpain it...

i used to be strong....

mentally and physically...

i mean my dad was a couch so thats where the physically came from....

but this is more about my mental strength...

i mean...

in el paso
my mental strenght was okay
but when we moved here...
i was scared....

same way i was there...

i mean, i wasn't all that popular where i came from
and i didnt have the best of attitudes...
i didnt really have a lot of freinds to support me here
just one best freind
who actually was not all that best
she never really called me
but shes still my best freind
her name is ---- but we called her kittty 2
shes another story...

so when we moved here
i kinda put up a mask
and i didnt quiet realize what i was doing
till the end of 7th grade...
if you read the begining of the read journal
i gave dawn
the one, that at the end
has all our useless converstaions in it
that one
when i realized what happened
i made sure no one would find out
with fake smiles
and all
this was all towards the end of 7th grade
actually...
a year ago....

and i was very insecure
couldnt really trust anyone
if i wanted to, i could run away and live on my own...
i know how to make money, buy food cook it
im was independent...

you know how most kids their parents took care of them?
i basicully took care of myself
didnt really need anyone to take care of me
give me a task
and ill do it
back then i would have complained
now....
its different

so after a while
i dont know
i guess i realized it was all lie
in a way
things just stopped
when i was strong
i used to stau up at night
becuase i couldnt go to sleep
and i would stay up
go outside
onto the deck
and look at the moon
just sit there
despite the cold
i loved the cold
that mooon gave me strength
then a couple of days
i didnt wake up
and my homework start pilling up
and things started changing
and the nights i did go to the moon
it wasnt there
and i guess
during that time
i kinda broke

i didnt have the mask anymore
even though
i thought i did
i tried to do extra training
make sure not to tell anyone
anything
but i couldnt do it anymore
not anymore
i even tried to train to make myself physicully strong again

that didnt work either...
so ...
i kinda stayed that way
without the mask
but i still tried not to tell anyone
then the summer came
and i nearly moved
so i told my self
i got limited time left here
when we first moved to columbus,
we always knew we would never stay
we jst didnt know how long
we lasted longer than we originally thought we would...
anyways....
the summer
i realized how lucky i was
to have you guys
so i tried to let a little in
im not exactly the most
talkable person
and never really liked talking
i dont know if you ever noticed
you guys like to make me seem as if ill never stop talking...
but there were days where i wouldnt talk at all
and hardly anyone really noticed
then
i started talking to you
about you
and realized
your not that different from how i was feeling
quiet the same actually
so i decied to let a little of it out
and thats what this blog is
im trusting you
trying to let you
what ive been keeping in that mask
im no longer strong anymore
i used to be
when someone would insult
not even flinch
like of stone
sorta
now
i might even burst into tears

so
if i seem as if im still wearing the mask
im not
if you want to know for sure
around the time i was
i wrote a poem about it
on AP
its called...
the mask

read it...
so now
you guys still dont know me
with the mask you didnt know me
and know you dont me
but your getting there
i mean with the mask
i hid about 12 years off my life
those 12 years made up me
now
im barely descirbing last year
the year i was with the mask
wait till you all the stuff
i had
without the mask
before you
thats el paso

and in case your wondering
thanks to you
when i moved again
i no longer took the mask with me
i promise you
no one here
sees me with the mask
but they dont see the real me yet either...

so i used to be strong
and then i broke
now im strong
but its a different strong
its that strong
that strong you get for trusting
so many people
im not that far yet
but im getting there...

s

2008-03-19T17:58:00.000-04:00

Missing...

2008-03-19T17:38:00.000-04:00

i miss that place soo much....
im not saying that MI sucks...
or that columbus sucks
and i dont regret moving....
when i moved...
i never really thought about the places i 've left behind
but aprently
i didnt leave that impression
with my posts...
im mean, yea i think about you guys...
but at the same time....
ive comltetly forgotten
there were things that meant my world....
that ive just forgotten
just like that...

you guys have never moved..., never... and switching houses doesnt count....

you have moved from a comepletely different state....
when i moved..
not only did my sourounding changed...
not only did i change
but everything did...

my dad wasnt here anymore...
i mean, i used to loved so much!!
i was a daddy's girl
when we moved...
it changed...
i start to love my mom...

in El Paso
we were soo good to together
he actually understood me...

god i miss it....
i had never really missed El Paso
acutually, i had forgotten about it....

i dont mean like i had forgotten ALLL about it
just most of it...
i hardly remeber anything...

you know....
i used to be great at memory?
i mean, no one could beat me.... the adults would actually team up just to try and beat me...

but they never could....

now look at me? im not even half as good as i was back then...

but back then, i never took karate....never knew a move... i was just one of those wanna bes...

then we moved... i got soo into it..

you guys dont get it...
you can say crap things like
"its not the things around you that determine you, its you."

buts thats not how it works... it seems that way and it seems like im talking crap but you wouldnt know, now would you?
i mean, you guys have never been to Iraq have you?

you must imgaine a place like, a dessert, to be horrible with all the war and everything....

it wasn't... it was the bestest place on the earth and thats a lot to say for a place that had been in war...did you know there was a war there even before the americans came? the americans only came when Saddam came to america... thats all... that war had been going on for a long time....

you just dont get it, do you...

its not the same...

you guys could say you miss me but you have everything there... you have your faimly... everything the same minus me...

here nothing is the same....
these words right now are crap...

just talking like this is going to make you see, that this place is different...
moving to another house is one thing...
ive done that already and i know its still not the same....
but its not the same as moving from states....

you know here, its kinda like el paso...
me just visiting here all the time didnt make me understand this place either...
you wouldnt be able to understand unless you moved...
but just becuase im miss yo
and that im rembering my memories

it doesnt mean...
that im missing life...
i creating a new one...
the problem was
i had completely forgotten my old...
you dont get what i mean when i say FORGOT!!
i mean, i dont even remeber how things used to feel...
i hate that...
i dont mind moving on...
but i hate it
if i forget what i left behind...

im crying
just to let you know
been crying for about hal an hour now

i dont hate this
i just hate forgetting
but im not going to forget this life
im making sure of that...

El Paso House

2008-03-19T16:59:00.003-04:00

okay, this is about my house in El Paso....

that house...

we loved that house, i mean i could seriously and literally from the bottom of my heart say that it was OUR house...

we bought that house a year before i start school, so before i was living in a two bedroom aparenment. we moved when i was four....

shadow mountian... that was the name of the apartment complex we lived in... it had a pool and it was nice...

the house was only 2 bedroom though...
and there were four of us living in that apartment...yea, i lived with my dad then...

you know he didnt start 'leaving us(the war)" till about 4th grade...?

ill have to talk about that sometimes too...

anyways the house we bought was a ranch...
all the houses in texas were ranch, actually.... unless you lived in a mansion... the mansions where a couple stories high... i actually had freinds who owned mansion with their own pool, tennis courts and owned like 3 hummers each.... yea, rich.. but they werent that nice... ill have to tell you about them later... its a whole anotehr story...

anyways the hosue we bought was made of yellow brick... it went to polk elementary school, my first and best elementary school(no offence southside...)

its adress was 845 Agua Calienta(sp)
thats spanish for hot water... i remeber never exactly knowing how to spell it..
...
I really miss that place...

Sae

2008-03-19T16:27:00.002-04:00

that has nothing to do with what im talking about

actually i dont really dont know

by the way, that tittle came from SS... i had this torn up strip of paper and i curled it to form some letters and i had an S a e and r but the r wasnt that good so im leaving it out....

breath in
breath out

MS, did you finish the bet?

god im tired... im still failing math but my uncles helping me so its not that bad...

okay, im going to tell you some of my memories, ones you dont know... from Texas... where ive actually spent most of my life( the first 11 years)...

okay, first ill tell you about my 6th or 7th birthday party...
it was my worst b-day party ever...
funny thing is i dont remeber which one it was...
in texas all the birthday parties were the same so you cant really blame me...

anyways...
this b-day party was the worst. it was at my house and we had gotten one of those jumping ballons, the inflatable ones... yeah those...
anyways, in texas...

wait, you have no idea what type of freinds i had in texas, do you?
*smiles*

well, i guess theres a lot you dont know about me then...

anyways, in texas, most of the freinds i had were rich snobs... ill explain them in detail another day... they were mostly my moms freinds children...

anyways... this birthday party, i had gotten mad at my mom like a couple days before becuase she invited someone to my birthday party that i didnt want invited. and i was right not to invite them....

see what happened was one of the people i was 'debating' whether to invite becuase i did like her too much. her name was salma(spanish). her mom was sorta freinds with my mom so my mom said, go ahead, invite her... she was sort of a freind of mine and inviting her wasnt that big of a deal so i did....

well, the week before(like saturday or something)we went to play at the park with another 'sorta' freind of my moms...

wait, you dont know about the park, either... do you...

well, well....
what do you know?
ill have to tell you all about el Paso later(the town i used to live in...)
its...
well see for yourself...

anyways...
my mom's 'sorta' freind form the park had 3 kids... 2 boys, one girl... the girl was between my brothers and my age and the boys were older... maybe 10 and 13? i dont something like that... but they were mean!! i hated them...

anyways, at the park they brought a kite and i wanted to fly it... them being the mean people they are, said no and just laughed at my face which made me cry. i cried becuase we didnt have kites and this would probably be my only chance to fly a kite(which in a way, it was... so far...)they just kept on laughing and the girl didnt really care... anyways...i went to my mom to stop crying( i was like 6!!) and eventually they let me fly the kite but not for long and they still made fun of me... i never wanted to see those guys again...

so what did that have to do with my b-day party? well, it was only a week and after that, i was defiantly NOT planning on seeing them ever again, let alone invite them to the party. but remeber that girl, salma, the one i debated inviting? well, aparently her mom goes to the gym and while she was there just happened to run into my mom's 'sorta' freind, the mother of the kids i never wanted to see again... salma's mom ended up telling that mom about my party and that mom wondered why she wasn't invited...so she called my mom and after some pathetic excuses, she was invited... along with her children i never wanted to see again...

and i got mad. from then, i KNEW they were going to ruin my birthday party and they did... the party better than i expected till the boys decided to start teasing me... we were jumping in the jumping ballon (it was a green dragon... not to self... remeber bracelt!!!)(those notes were only so i wont forget these detials...)anyways and those boys started teasing me about how i cried over the kite, which i only did becuase 1: they wouldn't share(everyone but me!!) and 2: i never really flown a kite...

so they did and they wouldn't stop... i put up with it for about 15 minutes before i gave up, ran out of the jumping ballons and went to my room to cry...

my mom came to comfort me, said she was sorry for inviting them and then she had learned her lesson.... i remeber one thing she said to me in that room was... "everyone is wondering whether the birthday girl is crying..." something like that( i have bad memory!!)... anyways...

i went out, ignored those guys, their mom made them apologize and said she was sorry but i dont think those boys meant it. good thing was i never saw those boys again, and i never want to....

so that was my worst birth party ever... you got to admit, having your mom invite some bully boys to your party that you didnt even want them there in the first is pretty bad but it better that i have a party....(or maybe im just being over dramtic and my party really was better than i make it out to be..

anyways, the reason im telling you about is becuase a couple days ago i woke up and thats what first came to my mind.. that party...

i had completely forgotten about it...

anyways... this is the start of a new era... cant believe ive never told you anything bout EL Paso... you wont believe all the stuff their... i mean you know those videos we watch in spanish? how strange the houses look? thats how my house looked....

oh god that house....

Strong

2008-03-18T15:30:00.002-04:00

okay, i haven't replied in a long time, not here at least...

but its not like ive forgetten. its just...

okay, let me explain it this way....

remeber my first like 10 entries?

they were about me being lost, when i first moved here....

and then you got mad at me about im over here complaining about being lost expecting you to always be there....

well let me explain. im going to explain 3 things actually but only the first 2 have to do with what i just said... the third has to do with my tittle...

the first thing, the reason i was lost, becuase i was lost...
okay, it might not seem like it, but when i moved here, the terms changed. the school here is NOTHING like central and i didnt know it. i was on new terf. its like going to a foreign country. you dont know anything about whats there, and truth be told, i didnt know much period. so when i moved here, i was trying to figure out how it all worked and where i would fit in, if i ever did. and i has to change, becuase me just being me wouldnt have cut it. now change into what? i didnt quite now. so as you can see, i was lost. sorry for worring about that and sorry for pestering you so much... thanks for still reading though... just so you know, im not lost anymore, but im probably not the same person you knew either. and you probably aren't either....

the second thing is about when i asked you guys to tell me stuff besides 'nm'(nothing much...) or ceiling or all that crap.. i hate that crap. im going to explain that now... okay, i've always been behind and ahead. like with reality and what people always care about, behind. news, any type, would always be the last to reach me... i dont know why. maybe i have something on my forehead saying 'tell her last!!' or maybe its just that im not a sucker for details... and the stuff that i usually miss out on is stuff like, 'oh. breda went home from american idol last night' stuff like that, that people make such a big deal out of but im like, so? and it always persters me cuase sometimes thing actually do happen like a tornadoe in a arkansaw and i usually dont know about it tell everyones forgot about it and im like when did this happen. and i hate but i guess i cant prevent... and in a way, im clueless... completely clueless... but here comes the part when im not so clueless, when im actually ahead of everyone.... its stuff that nobody really ares about anymore... like serveral issues in countries like afghanstan(sp). its like , i might hear about it last, but i really look into and look for what it really means while other people just look at the surface... and it annoys me that people look under the surface for things like 'hannah montana' but not about the invisible children...and i actually dont know much about the invisble kids which annoys me.... but unlike other people, im going to find out....

speaking of which i found a site that deals with this and it tottaallly awesome. its called startarevo.org as in start a revo.com.... i think revo short for revolution. its really awesome. heres the link..

http://startarevo.org/

and here is a link to the invisble chidlren. its just some videos and pictures but check out the videos. they'll move you...
http://www.invisiblechildren.com/media/videos/detail.php?id=1084921234

okay, now ill tell you about what i was going to talk about 'strong' later(my 3rd topic) and talk about this idea that i got that had to do with this topic....

okay, do you know why things like google prosper? google and yahoo and all that? i mean we are just finding stuff... its becuase we are getting educted. we are searching for information to let ourselves know this stuff... becuase the more insight you have on a topic, the more you can talk about.... but most people dont know about problems like this for lack of information... so heres an idea. take it to your principal... im taking it to mine... how about having an 'eco-day'(name could use some work...) where the whole day, your classes tell you about the problems going on in this world like the invisible children. the invisble children is just one problem. there are still many problems. and im not talking about wars...
wars are for losers... you know that link i gave you with the videos, look at this video, its on peace.... its called invest on peace... then check out the video called 'who we are' its about the invisible children...then see the video called ' give peace a tri.' it gives you some ideas about peace and gets you inspired.... actually just see all the videos... you can lose nothing but time...

okay, back to the eco-day... the whole day, you just learn about issues going on in the world, GET EDUCATED!! and then you learn how you could do something about it. nothing big... just tri and give a small effort. you never know what you could do...

ill talk abotu strong later... its not important but seriously think about the eco-day and issues thing....

and dont say, im just one person...

"I am only one, still I am one. I can not do everything, still I can do something."
-helen keller...

Reply

2008-03-16T19:37:00.002-04:00

hehe...

this a reply to MS commment on yesterdays post...

yea, i always like feet. for like your whole life, people just look at your face and look at everything from one level... so its cool, to just lie on the ground and see something completely different, even though its not that much....

besides your feet take you everywhere
yet they never get the credict. pictures from the ground are the best becuase everything is above them. from my height, its plain normal, unless you play with the light, and from above, well, all you can see is the ground...

maybe we should take a closer look though....

by they way, i would LOVE L-O-V-E if you uplaoded some of your photos and showed them to me... any creation that you guys have made, i would love to make becuase creaitivy is priceless and just the fact that you have some is a blessing..

anyways, as to your question about my secert place...

yes it is a secert... maybe after a couple of magic visits, ill tell you where it is...

hint: its under civilzation....

can you guess where it is?

Natures Illusions

2008-03-15T22:53:00.002-04:00

today, it looked like fall, but it was really spring...

just another of natures illusions

anyways, today i went and took like 150 pics, and walked around all day... it was awesome...

*whispers*
i even found my new secert place....

remener how in columbus, the brigde use to be mine?

well i found a new one...

but im not telling anyone where it is...

not yet, at least...

*stops whispering*

remeber, you didnt here anything!!

anyways, heres my picture of the week....
it was my favorite out of the bunch...

later

Just for MS

2008-03-15T21:26:00.002-04:00

MS

im writing you a story, in fact... im writing you all a story....

im in the middle of Anna lancheles right now though... i got part of your finished too....

so just wait a while, all of you... your story will come when its ready, maybe when your ready....

but hers a questions... whose story is whose? do you think if i posted them without names you could guess whose story is whose?

lets see...

Magic

2008-03-14T23:06:00.003-04:00

*smiles*

guess where i am?

take a wild guess...
it cant hurt...
cant hurt

im out on the deck
its 11
with this laptop
which is usually hot
from so much use
its now cold, from the wind

if u look up

u can see a beautiful pure white half full moon. and around it is a college of stars
but not as many as i say in that campout

remember that MS, the day we slept under the stars

literally

im listening to shadow of the day again

this time
playing it
to full blast
no ones around
but magic is everywhere

the cold,
is awakening

i told u 14 was a lucky number...

from what i heard so far about you guys, the magic is working

u have no idea how much the magic has been working here
right now, the magic in this moment
(which is a lot)
pales in comparison to the magic
that ive gotten since i turned 14

*smiles*
im actually smiling, and laughing
you have no idea how much i've laughed today
you should try it
its magic
theres magic in every laugh
and every smile
corrections
*true smile
and laugh

you today, in the first time.....
a reeeeallly long time
i actually laughed so hard
that i couldn't stop laughing?

i used to have this habit,
of if u got me started on laughing
even if it wasn't that funny
i might start laughing
uncontrollablly
and usually i end up on a floor
literally
rolling on the floor laughing my but off
do you remember that?

i nearly did that today
just the thought
that i nearly
lost that habit
is making me cry
which i am sorting doing

im not crying
i just have teary eyes
but its not a sad
no, not sad tears
im smiling
with these tears
they are defiantly tears of joy
....
....
....
....
....
....
breath
close your eyes
and take a deep breath
breath in the magic
can you feel it?

i can...

*smiles*

Shadow of the Day

2008-03-13T22:19:00.005-04:00

this is going to be a short one(yay!) (you dont have to rub it in!!!@)

its about time

time is a strange thing...

like did u know i have about 120 posts in this blog?

or that i've already been gone for 3 months?

i've lived for 14 years...

and at times, its too much

others too little
too little time,
and taking too long in class
u wait second after second after second after second
and it just keeps on going
u can go one second at a time forever
and actually, we do
we just dont reach forever..
and all, just one second after another

and sometimes, those seconds seem so long
and sometimes they seem so short

its really weird...
but the thing is
it all passes
no matter how slow those seconds seem
they always pass
and sooner or later
they;re gone
and another has come
strange how?

heres a nice song...
its by linkin park...
its a new, i think...
magic played it on the radio twice yesterday...

=D

Shadow of the Day
by linkin park

this is a kingdom hearts video. i didnt like the linkin park one too much and this one was nice.kingdom hearts is a good game by the way, it questions the reality of whats really in our hearts, or whether its all just dark.you dont have to watch the video, just listen to the song...

think about it....

im pretty sure those words will be eching all through-out my head tommmorrow.

if u find a nice answer, show it to me...